Hi Sara,  thanks for your last post.  I do tend to have a lot to say when I have people interested in hearing it.  That's what makes this group so important to me, especially right now.  I have friends that have been wonderful and understanding most of this year, but suddenly everyone has their own crisis, or are simply busy with Christmas and the holidays.  I feel angry about them not returning my phone calls, not making just a little time to talk to me...I know I shouldn't, my state of mind is not their responsibility, but you start to count on people, and at the worst time in your life, they kind of desert you.  I am somewhat terrified of the period from the week before Christmas and New Year's.  I arranged several months ago that my son and I wouldn't be home, instead we are going to San Diego and will stay right down by the ocean for a couple of days, and on the 24th head inland to stay with the friend and his family that did his eulogy and had been his best friend since the Marine Corp. 35 years ago.  They came and visited while my husband was about 6 months into the cancer, and being sensitive people, they knew right away how he wouldn't last for very long.  They were really there for me at his funeral, and were the first people that really seemed to understand I needed help after an intense year of caring for my husband alone.   However, I have some very bad moments right now...cried so long last night that my eyes were all swollen this morning.  I miss my husband SO much, it's just beyond anything I've ever experienced.  I need to do so much for Christmas, but I just don't feel like going out.  Am trying to do a lot of shopping on-line.  When I'm really stressed about something, it seems worse than it used to be.  I know I'm on my own.   I do try to do things to make it a bit less awful.  I go to my volunteer "job" at Children's Hosp., which serves to remind me that there are just so many children, from infants to adulthood that have diseases, life threatening illnesses, sudden unexpected issues, and parents who are sick with worry about them.  Like most volunteering, I find it to be the best part of my week.  At least I can help someone else, and hopefully bring a little smile to their faces.   I have been doing this for six years, as I love children and I know my husband was very proud of me doing it.  It was something he always told people about when he introduced me.

I am trying to just not think too much about Christmas itself, and the fact that I am not doing all the things I used to do...you have to feel it though.  You have to want to do it unless you have children or grandchildren.  I am always willing to do things for other people.  I just wish that everyone wouldn't forget that you don't get over loosing someone in a month, a year, or even 20 or 30 years.  I have had people tell me that they still cry on the birthday, or anniversary of their loved ones death...I hope to find some happiness though, and not feel either numb or sad and depressed all the time.  It seems strange that I never considered that my husband could possibly die and leave me all alone, and that I would spend (already) 2 years of my life crying daily, and mourning him.  A lot of people seem to want ideas about getting through the holidays, and I have wondered myself.  At this time, I don't think there are any secrets or special ways to get through it.  Like the whole journey of losing someone to cancer,  there are no real answers.  Just try to find the people who really care about you, and hug them tight as often as you need to.   Hope you are managing.  By the way, I read your bio and noticed you live in Lincoln, NB.  I have a lot of relatives there, as both my parents were raised in Nebraska and I have many cousins in that area, including

Hi Sara, ah yeah very difficult time, his 50th birthday was sunday, and lawyers and xmas festivities are all doing my head in, i wish i could stop crying, i havent even put the xmas tree up yet, which i really need to do for my son, cannot be bothered with it , how can we celebrate when we are missing him. I hope you get through it ok, will be thinking of you and the others as the days creep up closer.

Sorry for the lengthy text.  I'm finding that writing about this is therapeutic for me.   Especially someone who has been through a similar experience.   I'd like to hear more from you about how you are doing with things.  

Thank you for your post Sara.  It does sound like you and I have a lot in common.  Like you I still cannot let myself think too much about my husband, or I just lose it.  Once I start crying, it's hard to stop.   My husband was so strong too.   The day his doctor gave him his diagnosis, and the likely time frame he could live he just looked at her, and said, "so when do we start?".   I was so sad to see how once he began the chemo he became like a different person, unsure of himself, forgetful, and emotional...something I had never seen in him.  I made the decision that I would not let anything keep me from giving him every part of myself and my love, for however long he had, and I told his this.   I do believe that no one but others who have gone through this experience, which is really unlike most any other can understand the degree of love you have when this wonderful person that you have shared so much of your life with is dying.  You want it to be you...you want to take their place, or take their pain.  The feelings are beyond anything others can even imagine.  I watched it tear him down, from someone who could work hard, and he did, he was incredibly smart, and always made me feel like there was no woman in the world as beautiful and special as I was.  I always told him he was seeing me as he saw me when I was 25!  But I know I could never find anyone to match him.  I don't even want to.  Last year when he was just tired out from everything, I would let everything else go, and we would just lay down facing each other, and really SEE each other.  We would tell each other how much we really loved each other.  We took the time to thank each other for all we had done for one another.  I found out at his funeral that he had even spoken to a good friend a couple months before and asked him to speak at his funeral directly to me and our son, and let us know in front of everyone how our love and support had allowed him to go far in his career.  He traveled hundreds of thousands of miles in his job, and often he was gone about half the year.  He worked for to large companies in the defense industry, and that meant living our life a certain way.   He was told by every doctor from the start to try medical marijuana (we live in Colorado), but he refused until about 6 months in.  He was so worried that if he could go back to work, his security clearances would be taken away.  So he waited.  Finally, he knew he'd never go back, and we went through the process of legally getting the med. marijuana.  Unfortunately for him, it never really helped him, and eventually he just stopped trying to use it.  His biggest concern was for me and our son.  He worried I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle everything that came after.   I tried not to worry about it.  I didn't go anywhere that I didn't absolutely have to the whole year.  I wanted to spend every moment with him, and it seemed to give him comfort and security knowing I was always there.  I determined that I would have plenty of time after to do things.  Unfortunately, it's been hard to WANT to do anything.   I didn't realize the extent to which I was, as you seem to understand, Bob's wife...I feel like I have no real idea who I am.  I KNOW what I was to him.  He actually often talked to people about how great a wife I was, and how much he loved me.  He was proud of the little things I did.  Most of all, I always felt that he held my heart carefully in his hands.   When he was at the end, he was in a terrible way...vomiting blood, and unable to stop.  BP was 42/28, and they didn't want to give him morphine because of that.  I almost yelled at them to just make the pain stop for him.  He was still conscious, and we, my son and I said

Hi Sara, I do understand. I haven't been on this site recently, like I'd been. I do check in when I need to vent. I've been trying really hard to "move on". I don't hurt as much as a year ago, which is when I had a huge gaping hole that made it tough to even breathe. It's gotten a little easier, we've passed that  1 year date. I still have difficulty making decisions, second guess myself constantly. Recently we've had some some insurance issues re: damage to the house caused by a hailstorm(actually August 2) and I'm still waiting for house repairs to be done. I chewed out a couple of people because this is taking wayyyyyy toooooo long. I know Bill would've made calls and gotten things done a long time ago. I did call but allowed them to jerk me around. I'm not assertive enough, even my kids will tell you that.

Anyhow, I'm managing. I hope with all my heart that you are also starting to heal. In some ways, I envy that you continued to work the business. I'm thinking I have to find something to turn my attention to, and occupy more of my mind.

Hoping you and your family are able to enjoy Thanksgiving...without having to shovel out like we did today! Life....who knows what it will bring.

Hi Sara, thankyou for contacting me, and i am so so sorry for your loss, i didnt meet mike until i was about 36 but we hit it off right from the start, after being treated quite badly by men for my whole life i finally found someone who understood me, loved me and my kids unconditionally, treated me like a princess, one of his mates at his funeral said he was crazy in love with me, and i with him. Mike had a sudden heart attack at work, i didnt even say good bye to him that morning i was still asleep, it was just a normal day. how could this happen to someone as fit as a fiddle, strong as an ox...... It doesnt matter what i do i cant feel content or happiness in anything i do, i was just made full time at work in a job i love, i have been wanting it for years, but now its like whatever.... mike too was always the centre of attention, always the clown, making everyone laugh, he loved the attention, it used to make me tired!!! he was truely my best friend, truely my soulmate. i am lucky in the fact that we were both spiritual and so he has been sending me alot of signs letting me know he is still here two of my favourites being turning on the song im still in love with you and getting home to find a piece of hay ( we are both farmers) in the shape of a love heart on my porch floor. i am so lost, so confused, i am the type of person who always has a plan and knows where im going... not so much anymore. i do know that i want to move, we hated living here, hoping to maybe buy a farm ( that was our dream) and start a calf rearing unit so i can work from home and look after my son. if i do i am going to call it williams way, his last name was williams, i wish i had had the chance to take his name, but we hadnt got to the point of being able to get married. it doesnt matter how many people are around i am so lonely, i wish he could just give me a cuddle, or do his silly dance, or just be here. i think people are sick of me talking about him, but he is still a major part of my life and always will be. this whole thing is just unbearable, and still surreal. why could nt we just have been left alone to be happy finally, it took us so long to find each other. there are so many people in this world that want to live a long life, not me, i want to live long enough to see my kids grow up, i have a 10 yr old and a 20 yr old, and then i will quite happily leave this world.

Sorry to take so long returning posts. I've been busy trying to get a couple of "projects" out of the way while my son is available.

I know what you mean about selling that truck. Bill had a couple of boats (for fishing/duck hunting) and a 5th wheel camper and various other items that I know I won't be using. Should I sell/keep/sign over to my son? What should they sell for? Right now, they seem like a reminder of what I've lost and they take up space and.... I'm waiting for a sign.

Hi Sara. I sent you a message. This forum is hard for me to navigate sometimes and once someone sent me a message and I didn't know where to look to find it for days.

Sara I appreciate you writing. No problem with rants or rambles. You sometimes have to pour things out all at once I think.

I don't know what is going on in Rocky's head. I know that now he is on his chemo he is miserable and having some nasty side effects that I doubt he wants to live with the rest of his life, how ever long that is. I don't know what to do or say to him. I try to keep things normal as I can and be there. I will do or go along with what ever he wants.

I wish there were no money issues, but there are and they are huge. I have no idea how I'm going to live. No life insurance, no savings of any kind other than what I manage to put away. He gets a SS check (just started) but I won't be eligible to to collect any survivor's SS until I'm 60 and I don't think he's going to make it that long and I'm a couple of years away from that.  He keeps saying not to worry, but from where I'm sitting it's impossible. And I hate that THAT has to be one of my worries. I can't get it out of my mind for very long at a time.

Then this morning he starts hemorrhaging blood and that scared him and me and made me realize he could be closer to death than we think.

I know some of us here never got to say goodbye. That would be so hard and I can't imagine how that would feel. But right at the moment I feel like I should start saying goodbye. Even though it's not time to yet. I don't know...I feel scared and frustrated, angry at how my life is ending up. And it does feel like the end for me too. I don't know how I'm going to go on. I really don't.

WOW! I am impressed. Bill had almost bought an engineering company. The owner wanted to retire. But over the past couple years, something told him that this was not the opportunity it seemed.  However just a couple months before he was diagnosed he found some land that he wanted to build on and use for hunting....40 acres...I'd consider selling it, but my son wants to keep it...so for the time being I'm keeping it. 

Bill bought a bunch of replacement pieces to a TR-3 he wanted to rebuild for me...Here it sits, rusting away(not that I wanted it anyway...it's a stick shift. I drove stick shift when I was younger...I REALLY like automatic transmission!) Again, my son thought maybe he'd work on it. It's ok, we have time. If I got rid of everything Bill was working on, my house and barn would be empty!

Have a nice weekend....

Hi Sara

I've had a busy week, a productive week. It does help to stay busy. If I have too much time to think then I think myself into a panic attack. I was just wondering what type of business you and your husband had? And that you can continue it is wonderful. 

A friend of mine, who lost her husband like 6 weeks before I lost Bill, is continuing his barbershop...but, just in the background. She told me if she tried to cut hair people would only come once.

Sara, unfortunately there is no life insurance. I could never make that man do anything he didn't want to do. Or he would procrastinate. Procrastinate is his middle name. Its why the cancer was not detected until it was too late, it's why there is no savings (other than what I manage to save from my job...but I work mostly so we have health ins.) You name it, he didn't take care of it. He is going to leave me in a huge financial mess. I already know I will have to file for bankruptcy just to be able to live.  What a mess.

No, it was a good message Sara. I appreciate it. I left a message for you. I don't know where those go.

Sara, you sound like such a strong person. I wish I had a tiny bit of that