When does the fear and anxiety go away?

My mom and Dad both died this past Dec. There deaths were easy to accept as my Mom had Alzheimer's to the point where she no longer spoke not knew anyone.  Visiting her was like going to get funeral each visit.  My Dad was 86 and had a great life and died of natural causes. But my brother John was a shock we never saw coming.  He was a healthy man that fell down to the sidewalk and died instantly a massive heart attack.  He has 4 sisters who adored him.  He was the glue that held us together.  I keep getting these strange emotions of fear and anxiety.  My therapist doesn't seem to have a clue what I'm talking about.  He is not a specialist, I see him for depression and PTSD.  I feel lonely in my grief.  I love in NC and my sister's are in NY.  They have each other. I'm praying that I can meet someone who can listen and help. Because of the virus, all grief groups are not meeting, so I thought I would try a group online.  Thank you for listening.

Patty

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Comment by Joe von Anjou on July 23, 2020 at 2:38pm

My heart goes out to you, Patty.

My brother was killed in a car accident a quarter of a century ago. My parents were also in that accident, so I was the first to try to identify what was left of my brother. I have been seeing that in my sleep ever since. Over the years, I got used to it.

My father died five years after my brother died.

My brother and father died quickly.

My mother died this April after a five year battle with vascular dementia. It was a horrible five years. Now, on top of seeing what was left of my brother, I see the look of horror in my mother's eyes as she sensed there was something wrong but could not name it.

I have fear and anxiety too. The worst is when I am in between deep sleep and waking up. That is when I realise that she is gone, that my whole family is gone. It feels like a kick in the stomach.

Last Friday was my mother's funeral. Everyone was crying...except for me. I was too jittery, too on edge, looking over my shoulder and in every direction every other minute. My hands were shaking.

I try to exercise as much as I can, within my limits. Exercise releases endorphins, which make one feel better. For me, that works somewhat. I also tell my mother all the time that I will always love her, as long as my memory is intact. That, like exercise, helps some.

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