Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I can relate completely to every step in your day as if it were yesterday, its been almost 2 years now for me and I can say that I still go through many of the things as before, just as you describe them, but not as much and as frequently. I still see a counselor but infrequently, I lay around in bed but less often, and I do sleep through the night most often and only wake up once in a while at 4. I prefer to sleep because I often dream about my wife and i prefer that over being awake. Im not sure that's necessarily good or not, but learning about grieving I know there is no right and wrong, just what it is.
I will add that after 2 years of pretty much doing nothing I am beginning to take small steps towards doing somethings and sorting out some direction to go in from here - alone. Not much is as interesting or exciting to me as life seemed to once hold, but Im beginning to believe that will change with time as well and certainly look much different than I had once believed or expected it to look like. This reinforces what Ive heard from others, that things as we knew them once now have changed when we lose our spouse, and the question remains how will we change ourselves to adjust to that new reality.
But the thing that caught my eye of your post the most is the birds....LOL OMG, I remember that so vividly, my wife passed in June and I have a ton of birds outside, and Id even find myself shouting out the window, because I was so grateful when I did sleep though it wasn't often during those first months, I ll be damned if I wanted to be woken up, especially at 4 in the morning in bed without my wife. God, talk about misery. Well that doesn't happen as much now Im glad to say, the birds are still there, and I still wake up much earlier than I use to though not at 4, I like it now and its a good thing, which may seem strange to you know for me to add this next part, and that is I still think of her and miss her every morning, but its different now than it was then, and its ok.
Would I prefer her to be here? Of course, but God grants me the serentiy, and I accept. And here is what I thought of you about the birds, and when they are singing in the morning to me outside my window then and now....it is God's way of saying I am here, dont worry my son, I have a plan and one day you will understand, until then there still remains joy and sorrow in this life and now you simply are more aware of that pain and happiness. You wanted to know more and now you just as he allows, but with that knowledge comes pain, just as he sorrowed as his son was crucified by his own creation. We are growing and maturing in our spiritual life to become more in his likeness, but it was never meant to be easy or pain free. And those birds are just his way of reminding us and making it a little bit easier for us to endure. And now to think of it, I haven't really been hearing them outside my window as often lately as I did before...mmmm I wonder. God bless and drawer nearer to him and he will reveal the truth as needed. I love you Teresa -forever