The hidden PLACE in time and space inside my MIND

I think it´s safe to assume the mind holds the best refugee camp in the world, like an oasis to the desert. SOmetimes we forget time and space in this inside trip. And brings the same outwards. When we feel opressed or pushed or in any stress event, that hidden place seems like the only heaven we can have on earth. And times like this we connect to the people and events searching for some deeper meaning to make sense of it all. In my case it´s being nothing easy to sort out what is meaningful to what´s not. Sometimes I keep my head in the clouds and I break away from the closest ones to just spend sometime entertaining my mind in some what ifs that really don´t have much of a future, but it´s good enough for the time being. It´s so easy to bend beyond and break off because I´m trying to find my way, And the more some try to HELP, it´s by imposing their speed of life and their must do list for me is not something I remotelly opted to be in. And I quietly remove my ind and full presence from their image or illusions which add pressure that I don´t need. Sometimes it´s hard to express to people where I a at, since seems as if this grounds haven´t been known to most. And I take REFUGEE into what´s TANGIBLE and PRESENT. It´s like a relationship with this wonderful view to paradise where i am second best and that´s not like me at all, versus this short term relationship that just has absolutely no future with this great lover that has a family and children on the side and wants a great adventure. And I am right there in BETWEEN, as if I wasn´t responsible for doing both and having to face the KERK attributes to my ignorant choice. And in trying to correct where I derrailed from this first long term plan to short time pleasure, I ake demands that no one can understando or deal with from where I stand. Becuse yeah, I can hardly stand but life is not so easy, is it? Confessing to betrayal hoping to be heard then would be a sure way to hell short cut. Because now if I want back to plan A, long term, it´s like I am 1000 steps behind, and if I cloose plan B (immediate reward) I will ignore the very obvious. Then I look at all the craps and I think why am I in between the 2 choices when what´s good should not even put my guard up to consider plan B great and confessing just makes a soaopera. Thus I think my road is somehow still a dirt road, and if I want someone to pave it, I must follow and live in their shadow, But I´m not the shadow of any uman being but plan B would live in the shadows for god knows how long and that´s not too great either. Being thorn betewwn those is just a way to break away from everything and anything that falls behind expectations, Then what´s to expect? I think I will go back to the future here a day at a time, just hoping another sunny day kicks inside my window and the sorrow is gone, the pains gone too. And life is more back to normal and doing it myself. Sometimes I really wonder if after so much grief and illness there is such thing as a hand to hold that wont eventually backstab. And just to make sure tat won´t happen, I do it first, I guess we go through so much that believing in another human being is a very slow process and can be at days crel or unkind. An till I get a thier skin to the craps of people, I can´t seem to APPRECIATE their shadows as a calm place to be. Just because I am digging in myself who I am and people around guessing what shoul would or what else they planne for me seems not to reprsent where I am going and where I am at. You know when all we see is what we would like to be or have and we think it´s ok to supress self in the process, but the bending breaks way before than the previous place of breaking point. Sometimes I wonder if any free soul can ever match relationship interests. Seems like any relationship on the personal level is just another way to put boundaries and values of another being to us. Flattening the exisence to be consistent to what´s expected, making more of a resistance to grow than there is space left to just come out in my own hands and own way out. Confusing times when people that like us come with their attached CRAPS and we don´t when tey end and their crap start to help seeing their naked soul. We try to take the crap out, but they go down with it. We try to find ways to talk, but they hear only the sounds of their own voices. And all in all, most of what´s to be expressed is not in WORDS, is it? The way I see any relationship in this place and time of my life has to be GOOD to me, in whatever shape and form it comes, and pehaps one day one will mold to meet me half way, I am tired and seek to be the one to give it all and just get whatever people feel like giving. On the other side of the same frame of mind, what can anyone give better than I can give myself? And what if their road is not accepting or receptive to where I am at NOW? Just not making me crawl orfeel underneath their shadows, I think I LEARNED TODAY theat GRIEFING has a strong component, THE NEED TO BREAK FREE and be respected as a full human being no matter in how many pieces and how they are spread. It´s not for anyone else to mend, just be kind and supportive to help me do the mending and having more to offer....and meanwhile I´d like to be held and told EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, just because that much I can tell myself. And what more? Seems sometimes all so hopeless that there must be another way where we can expose pieces and hurt and be respected in the vulnerability side of it. Perhaps most don´t know how to reach us there hiding in that mental space built for one, and accepting all for what is versus all that anyone wants it to be. SIGHT

Views: 14

Tags: ui


You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Ronnie Luethy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It has been 3 months for me now, and I still say 'we'. Every once in awhile I realize as I say it, and I've tried to say 'I' a few times. But I've starting to realize that it still is 'we' not just…"
1 hour ago
Beth Swansboro and Mary Ann Troxell are now friends
3 hours ago
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have a quick question for you all.  I was talking to a friend the other day and I said "we" she said, "Don't you mean I?"  It made me realize I use we and us a lot still.  I know it has only been a…"
4 hours ago
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Alice.  I have been feeling more and more and more anger towards just about everyone I know.  I am angry they are happy, angry they have future plans they are looking forward to, angry they want to include me in those plans.…"
4 hours ago
Alice Thompson replied to Maxey's discussion Moved, but nothing changes in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Maxey, I actually do believe my love is still with me, and I have this life with him nobody could understand. I've started bringing this up in conversation with people a couple of times, but soon stopped when I heard the sound of what I was…"
6 hours ago
Maxey left a comment for Jon-Paul Ackerman
"I think John has said everything I am feeling each day. I sometimes think during the day of how many of us are out there suffering through this pain. It has been almost two years for me, so, I guess, after three there is still no relief or hope in…"
8 hours ago
Demetrius and Brenda Ann are now friends
8 hours ago
Maxey added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...

Moved, but nothing changes

I moved from the beautiful Northwest to Austin, TX to be closer to my family, but nothing seems to change. My sadness and loneliness seem to follow me wherever I go. I thought maybe a change in scenery would give me a new perspective, but, so far, nothing.It will be two years in October that I lost my husband of 55 years, and I miss him MORE today than ever. I think I am becoming obsessive since I talk to him all the time and fantasize that he is still here. I make believe we are going to take…See More
8 hours ago
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Good morning everyone and good morning Mama!  I have alot to get accomplished today so that I can bring things home from Mamas home. As always I love you Mama!"
13 hours ago
Profile IconDAWN WALTON, Julie Owen, Lori Szymanski and 26 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
14 hours ago
Suzette Laree Arch added a discussion to the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man

4 months and I can't stop crying

I knew my Best Friend since high school...we were good friends..And stayed in touch over the years - We may have gone 3-4 years before we spoke - But we knew each others situations and we stayed Best Friends - Giving each other advice - I just wanted to make sure he was home to his wife and child - As he served 8 tours in Afghanistan, Iraq and undisclosed locations - We both are parents..We reconnected face to face 2 years ago, both in bad marriages and unhappy...I was about half way through my…See More
16 hours ago
Suzette Laree Arch joined Cathy Richardson's group

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
16 hours ago
Tori commented on Laura Rozier's group Losing Someone to Drug Overdose
"I lost my best friend 6/17/16 to a heroin overdose. I've noticed for me that the happiest times are the hardest. The milestones where you find yourself able to smile and laugh again are usually the most painful. The happier the occasion or the…"
16 hours ago
Tori joined Laura Rozier's group

Losing Someone to Drug Overdose

If you've lost someone you loved due to them overdosing on drugs, let's talk about it here.See More
16 hours ago
Tori posted a photo
16 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Janie that sounds good, "I love  you mom"!!!!  "
17 hours ago
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service