Procrastination is the ultimate REBEL inside us all. It´s the defying of time and the so many obligations that life imposes to us. I know procrastination here is at it´s best when LIFE has lost most meaning and that fire inside is null. It´s as if the rest of the world makes a clock to go in circles and we want out SILENTLY. It´s a plase to refuge quile refuting the purpose of the clocks. It´s a statement of stuck with the feeet right where the mind is, STILL. Looking for peace to coexist with the mind sometimesmakes all else seems unecessary. We can do that tomorrow or after and so on. In fact, over time, the to do list drops anyhow and with that some get off our backs hich is quite useful. WHAT KEEPS us in PROCRASTIMNATION? Lack of PURPOSE. What motivated us most is gone and with that procrastination seems second skin, simply because no one hits PRIORITY and not even taking care of ourselves. I went Monday to my back surgeon and he asked for an x ray and gave me a medicine for pain, since few weeks ago my car got hit by this huge bus. Wasn´t much damage to the vehicle against all odds, looking at it I think God likes me a little and spare my life and the car. Could have costed my life, was a huge impact noise. The car went spinning a couple times before stopped against heavy oncoming traffic. However when he sent me for an x ray I got home with a lot of tears coming down my face, thinking I hate set backs in recouping my back. Well, I have not done the x ray. Every single day I find an excuse to myself not to go. THe pain, the other things to do, and on and on I procrastinate perhaps under the ilusion Iwill be alright and I´d feel something if dated from the crash and the pain he is now loking at is one I already complained before. So, the whole ordeal is nuts. In any case I have to do, but I see no result will come and will be just a waste of time. But has to be done. However the x ray is the excuse daily for what others want and I don´t want to do. Ha! So I did DIG further to understand WHY procrastination is loving my x ray ordeal. And I found that I had a lack of PURPOSE. THe meaning of what I want to do careerwise and for me really, carrier in much of an esxtension of who I am. You can´t separate me with what I do. And being where I am at, whereas the regular work 8 hrs a day wont work for me anymore to keep my back doing good, means I have to sort what I want to do and build the channel of mode of operation. And each time the prediction changes, so does my course of actions and hopes to get life back to NORMAL, whatever that means. Since old parameter of NORMAL is not realistic. Living betwwen international flights is not the life I can remotelly aim at. Not in the frequency and as much as I did. Maybe one day I can do some more of it, But not anytime soon. I did think about a small own ngo or other shape to continue what I spevialized and invested over 20 years of my life and love to do, THe alternative would be to get another carreer or job. But I have worked in my mind NOW what that would mean down the road and realized I like more what I have been doing all along than other things. Would that be fear of the new? Nop, the new is exciting for me, and who knows where any road may lead. I only know now that being where I am in my life, very little has to do with money although the urgencies of life claim that from me. But how I make a living and what I want to do is more healing in so may ways that money will be less necessary and plenty either way. Money is the end result of any hard work. But what is that I want to work so much that I´d give the limited health I have to fully apply myself? WHen I thought about that...the answer was so obvious that I windered what took me so long. Perhaps the mind wasn´t ready to process that internal debate. Feels like the brains have beem quietly doing baby steps to get ready to this debate. Good sleep, feeling a little better...alll this and that. More, I don´t like the pressure and when external pressure is a fact procrastination is a natural reaction in rebelling and refusing to engage. Ah, that´s it, I had FINALLY exported pressures to HEAR MY OWN VOICE. And added to that, some aquaintances more than people allowed to dig in my body or soul for a while. Less NEED for interactions and more of positive general public sort of speak, making room in myself to heal and look past the hurt to heal. You know hell is paved with good intensions. SO many come around us with their agenda, that we tend to eventually think WHERE IS MY AGENDA? Yeah, I need to get back to me. And one day I feel a little better and I remember I have legs, the other day I remeber I have arms, and in a few days I ReMEMER my FULL EXISTENCE and then hit the puzzle of what NOW? Then when the excitement of finding out overflows in talks and conversations here and then, everyone is like WHEN? HOW? and I stare and say LOOK, din´t worry, I will be doing at least for the next 30 years or more depending how long I live. So what does it matter if will take months or years? I rather make good moves, than quick run in circles. But don´t worry. I´ve been doing my life and career over time more than anyone else, so I should know the way. There comes the pressure I now just shake it off and people to be in my priority now...hit my agenda for a change. Sight

Views: 38

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"thank you Monty for your comments.  I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say.   I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends,…"
3 hours ago
Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Elynn sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling. My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone. Luckily for me i have my sister…"
3 hours ago
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have been feeling very lonely lately,  and  am depressed.  I miss joe.  Our 44th anniversary is coming up august 31st.  The friends we had together are busy with their lives.  They don't call often, so I stopped…"
4 hours ago
Elynn m posted a discussion

Lonely

I have been feeling very lonely and very depressed lately.  Old friends are busy with their lives.  Even my children are busy.   My daughter lives 45 minutes away.   She is busy with her new house.  My son is 10 minutes away.  He calls and invites me to go places with them.  I miss the friends that Joe and I had together.  They seem to be busy when I call them., so I quit calling.   My sister in law is very good about calling me.   She comes once a month with her husband to stay overnight.  I'm…See More
5 hours ago
Profile IconSamantha Jolly, Blanca Ornleas and Harris Insler joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
11 hours ago
Harris Insler posted a blog post

A Call to Arms

I am calling on anyone who has lost a loved or knows someone who has lost a loved one due to substance abuse disease.  I lost my son 12 years ago due to a fentanyl laced bag of heroin. It took eight years for me to realize I didn't want his death to be just a footnote and a statistic. I made Part 1 of a short documentary about my son which was which was shown in October of 2017. A film professor/ Director/ editor, John, who had helped me finish this film came up with an idea for a new film. We…See More
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, yes. That is the circle of life."
16 hours ago
Jediah Krajcik updated their profile
19 hours ago
Avi commented on Susan Dee Leatham's blog post While I was sleeping
"Thanks for amazing post Susan. I lost my mother on 15 May 2018 and miss her a lot. I also believe that we will be reunited again once where there is no pain, agony and we will live for eternity. "
21 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theressa I do not have IPhone so I guess face time I cannot install. Let me know if we can talk over skype, my id is avitiwari26@gmail.com Today is 3 months when my mother left for her heavenly journey. I am still not able to laugh with ease and…"
21 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I don't know if I have skype but I do have facetime..."
22 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bret I needed that laugh this morning   lol"
22 hours ago
Briana Wroten joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Avi is now friends with Frances Koonce and Brett Bowman
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I will message my phone # to you. In fact, anyone who wants to call me can. I am convinced that none of you are strung out crackheads, trolling the internet."
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks BlueBell and Brett.  Bluebell wishing that you get perfect soon.  Brett, do you have a skype Id where we can have a call?"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I am so happy for you. And you are obviously doing better with women than I am..."
Wednesday
Chanel commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I'm sorry to hear that you're still going through a tough time, Rain. I feel like some days I'm okay and others I'm struggling. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to."
Tuesday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Congratulations Avi! Bluebell"
Tuesday
Susan Dee Leatham posted a blog post

While I was sleeping

It has been 4 years since my mom died.  I still think about it every day, and can't seem to look past it.  I know I need to go grocery shopping.  I know I need to entertain my 4 year old but before I do anything today I want to share what has helped me tremendously in making my mom's death easier to live with.The first thing that helps is remembering her and being stubborn about NOT letting her go.  I don't have to let my mom go.  She already went.  The thing I do have to do is admit how I feel…See More
Tuesday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service