Procrastination is the ultimate REBEL inside us all. It´s the defying of time and the so many obligations that life imposes to us. I know procrastination here is at it´s best when LIFE has lost most meaning and that fire inside is null. It´s as if the rest of the world makes a clock to go in circles and we want out SILENTLY. It´s a plase to refuge quile refuting the purpose of the clocks. It´s a statement of stuck with the feeet right where the mind is, STILL. Looking for peace to coexist with the mind sometimesmakes all else seems unecessary. We can do that tomorrow or after and so on. In fact, over time, the to do list drops anyhow and with that some get off our backs hich is quite useful. WHAT KEEPS us in PROCRASTIMNATION? Lack of PURPOSE. What motivated us most is gone and with that procrastination seems second skin, simply because no one hits PRIORITY and not even taking care of ourselves. I went Monday to my back surgeon and he asked for an x ray and gave me a medicine for pain, since few weeks ago my car got hit by this huge bus. Wasn´t much damage to the vehicle against all odds, looking at it I think God likes me a little and spare my life and the car. Could have costed my life, was a huge impact noise. The car went spinning a couple times before stopped against heavy oncoming traffic. However when he sent me for an x ray I got home with a lot of tears coming down my face, thinking I hate set backs in recouping my back. Well, I have not done the x ray. Every single day I find an excuse to myself not to go. THe pain, the other things to do, and on and on I procrastinate perhaps under the ilusion Iwill be alright and I´d feel something if dated from the crash and the pain he is now loking at is one I already complained before. So, the whole ordeal is nuts. In any case I have to do, but I see no result will come and will be just a waste of time. But has to be done. However the x ray is the excuse daily for what others want and I don´t want to do. Ha! So I did DIG further to understand WHY procrastination is loving my x ray ordeal. And I found that I had a lack of PURPOSE. THe meaning of what I want to do careerwise and for me really, carrier in much of an esxtension of who I am. You can´t separate me with what I do. And being where I am at, whereas the regular work 8 hrs a day wont work for me anymore to keep my back doing good, means I have to sort what I want to do and build the channel of mode of operation. And each time the prediction changes, so does my course of actions and hopes to get life back to NORMAL, whatever that means. Since old parameter of NORMAL is not realistic. Living betwwen international flights is not the life I can remotelly aim at. Not in the frequency and as much as I did. Maybe one day I can do some more of it, But not anytime soon. I did think about a small own ngo or other shape to continue what I spevialized and invested over 20 years of my life and love to do, THe alternative would be to get another carreer or job. But I have worked in my mind NOW what that would mean down the road and realized I like more what I have been doing all along than other things. Would that be fear of the new? Nop, the new is exciting for me, and who knows where any road may lead. I only know now that being where I am in my life, very little has to do with money although the urgencies of life claim that from me. But how I make a living and what I want to do is more healing in so may ways that money will be less necessary and plenty either way. Money is the end result of any hard work. But what is that I want to work so much that I´d give the limited health I have to fully apply myself? WHen I thought about that...the answer was so obvious that I windered what took me so long. Perhaps the mind wasn´t ready to process that internal debate. Feels like the brains have beem quietly doing baby steps to get ready to this debate. Good sleep, feeling a little better...alll this and that. More, I don´t like the pressure and when external pressure is a fact procrastination is a natural reaction in rebelling and refusing to engage. Ah, that´s it, I had FINALLY exported pressures to HEAR MY OWN VOICE. And added to that, some aquaintances more than people allowed to dig in my body or soul for a while. Less NEED for interactions and more of positive general public sort of speak, making room in myself to heal and look past the hurt to heal. You know hell is paved with good intensions. SO many come around us with their agenda, that we tend to eventually think WHERE IS MY AGENDA? Yeah, I need to get back to me. And one day I feel a little better and I remember I have legs, the other day I remeber I have arms, and in a few days I ReMEMER my FULL EXISTENCE and then hit the puzzle of what NOW? Then when the excitement of finding out overflows in talks and conversations here and then, everyone is like WHEN? HOW? and I stare and say LOOK, din´t worry, I will be doing at least for the next 30 years or more depending how long I live. So what does it matter if will take months or years? I rather make good moves, than quick run in circles. But don´t worry. I´ve been doing my life and career over time more than anyone else, so I should know the way. There comes the pressure I now just shake it off and people to be in my priority now...hit my agenda for a change. Sight

Views: 31

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Groups

Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, Bluebell,   thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a…"
1 hour ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it. I try to be careful. I'm such a religious…"
17 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing."
19 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

What Can Help Me if I'm Depressed?

The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.What God gives to help the depressedStrength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (…See More
21 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have. I had no idea there were only a few…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices. Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi,   welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out. Bluebell"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight,…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Guys This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.  The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"
yesterday
Avi joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.   I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but…"
yesterday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. "
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We…"
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so…"
Friday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom,…"
Friday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about…"
Thursday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0 Virginia, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you…"
Thursday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service