I have the big hurt right now. I keep expecting him to log onto Facebook and send me a message. Or a text. Or something that would symbolize that he is here. And then I remember that he isn’t. That the last text or IM I will ever receive is from August 12. That there was no tomorrow for him. Just me. And everyone that liked or loved him. 

And it bothers me so much knowing he isn’t going to respond. He isn’t going to reach out. He can’t. That I just can’t wrap my brain around it. I want to search and find all the messages we had to each other. Every single one of them. I want to hold them precious to my heart, but what if those messages are what is holding me back? 

It is going to take one deep breath. One single day. One day of not obsessing over his Facebook. One day of not searching through emails. One day of not trying to find a video. One day of not doing any of these things. Remembering is okay. But not actively searching. Because I think it is harming me. I don’t know what else to do. 

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Billy Jo Colt commented on Kelli Auerbach's blog post New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood
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New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood

Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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