Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Yesterday, I had to pick up copies of George's death certificates and it totally devastated me. It did not bother me when I received the copies, I pretended that it did not bother me because I put the copies face down in the back of the car and did not look at them until later that night. I have not read the whole certificate but after I skimmed it looking at the cause of death I fell apart but I forced myself to hold it together until I started sobbing while watching TV with our daughter. I think I would have been better off had I just cried and allowed myself to feel all the feelings of lose and confusion when it happened maybe I would have just felt the pain and gone on, but I spent hours fighting the pain and then when I fell apart this lasted for hours. I can not control a damned thing about the feelings, and the more I think about being without George the more I realize what I have lost. Not just my husband but what my husband meant to me and my family, there will never be another person who will love us like he did, nor will anyone know us the way he did, no one will share the memories and ..... all the other things we shared and know. Last night I did not fall asleep for rest I fell alseep to avoid pain. This morning I woke to feeling nothing at all and it is these extremes which make me think I am crazy or am not handling his death well. I shoudl feel something but I am totally neutral. I do not feel crazy, lonely, scared, calm and am just here. For now I think I need to start my day here - I may go to the gym so that I wil be around other people because I am nthe only other person who is awake in my house. If I get out maybe when the pain hits, as it always does, I will at least have left the house for the day and exercising seems to help me cope. God please continue to bless us all because we will need it for the rest our lives.