Yesterday, I had to pick up copies of George's death certificates and it totally devastated me. It did not bother me when I received the copies, I pretended that it did not bother me because I put the copies face down in the back of the car and did not look at them until later that night. I have not read the whole certificate but after I skimmed it looking at the cause of death I fell apart but I forced myself to hold it together until I started sobbing while watching TV with our daughter. I think I would have been better off had I just cried and allowed myself to feel all the feelings of lose and confusion when it happened maybe I would have just felt the pain and gone on, but I spent hours fighting the pain and then when I fell apart this lasted for hours. I can not control a damned thing about the feelings, and the more I think about being without George the more I realize what I have lost. Not just my husband but what my husband meant to me and my family, there will never be another person who will love us like he did, nor will anyone know us the way he did, no one will share the memories and ..... all the other things we shared and know. Last night I did not fall asleep for rest I fell alseep to avoid pain. This morning I woke to feeling nothing at all and it is these extremes which make me think I am crazy or am not handling his death well. I shoudl feel something but I am totally neutral. I do not feel crazy, lonely, scared, calm and am just here. For now I think I need to start my day here - I may go to the gym so that I wil be around other people because I am nthe only other person who is awake in my house. If I get out maybe when the pain hits, as it always does, I will at least have left the house for the day and exercising seems to help me cope. God please continue to bless us all because we will need it for the rest our lives.

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Comment by Alin Tooby on June 28, 2016 at 5:43pm

Hello Denise,

 

I hope this message finds you well. I am very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. I pray you may find comfort and peace. I found your post to be a bit ironic as I just went and picked up my mothers death certificate three hours ago today.  My mom passed away on March 3rd, almost 4 months ago and yes, sadly it had slipped my mind because I was expecting to receive a call from the funeral home when it was ready and they did not.  Anyways, I have been having a pretty emotional and rough past few days.  June 24th was my Dads birthday, June 25th was the day we turned the machines off on him last year and July 6th will be the 1 year anniversary of his passing. This last week has been pretty painful for it reminds me of my losses and seems to pour salt and lemon on the wounds.  When my dad passed away a year ago, my mom’s depression worsened which eventually resulted in her going into a hypoglycemic shock as she was a diabetic and was not eating or taking the right medications. She went into a coma in January and passed away in March.  Now today as I was discussing with my sister about what we should do for my dads 1-year, I remembered that I still did not have my moms death certificate. I quickly called the funeral home and they said it was ready and waiting for me.   I went by on my lunch break at work and picked it up.  Like you I did not want to look at it right away, I couldn’t really.   When I was picking it up the reception actually opened the document and said “lets make sure this is the right one” and held it out for me.  I looked right passed it and nodded that it was correct… I sure hope it is. Lol.  Anyways,  I recall when I picked up my dads certificate a year ago, quickly I read it.  I knew he had passed after nearly two weeks of being off of life support but I didn’t know the official cause of death.  I remember reading “cardian arrest” and then falling to pieces.  I few nights later I had a dream that I was in the room with my father as he was having the cardiac arrest and as he was passing”. It felt so terrifying and real. I couldn’t do anything to save him. I couldn’t even wake up.  Perhaps it was my mind putting me where it felt it should have been when he passed. I had felt so terrible about not being able to go back and see him once the machines were taken off. My mind made me there for that last critical minute.    Now here I am, with this certificate which will explain exactly how my mom passed after being taken off of life support.  I just don’t think I can handle it.  I am afraid of having another dream.  I came back to work and have this anxiety building up inside of me. That is actually why I ended up on this site; I tend to come here when I am lost in my grief.  As soon as I came on, your post was the first I saw and read.  I find it to be ironic.  Perhaps it’s the universe letting us know that we are not alone in the world and our emotions are right on point.

 

I wish strength for you my friend. Perhaps I can muster some up myself.  

 

Sincerely

 

Alin 

Comment by val on June 26, 2016 at 6:05am

hi

spent my morning moving bist of furniture and thinsg as the corner of the room was like a hospital, made no difference though , in my minds eye I can see him there every time i enter , i know its a memory but so hard , then i pulled up the bathroom carpet as thats where he lay ,and laid  a new bit , I did all the DIY ,,,always doing something and i know sometimes he was annoyed as we seemed to change the room round often or did something or other and hed painstakenely be on x box chess , i know i annoyed him ,lol ,,hed be sitting there now going in his head ,,,here she goes again .....lol.... some of the memories are good ones ,i go from 0 to 60 all the time, expected after only a week im told , unplugged the x box and then the tv went wrong and was so upset ....he was so good at gadgets , so said out loud why didnt you sorth the damn thing before you went ,,,which is crazy I know,,,,,,but i also know he can hear me ......

its only lunchtime and the day is so long ...we suually wnet out latre for a ride and ended up at a pub for his couple pints and i sat there painstakenly having a coke as i was the only driver , id moan but now id give anything to be in a pub with him....son gone away for weekend with his partnet , 3 texts so far , i know he finding it hard and hes worrying about me but i have to be there for him now, or theres no point to my life ......I used to say to Mole, if it wasnt for mark id come with you ....................

Comment by Mary on June 26, 2016 at 4:14am
Denise. I understand how you feel. I feel like that - empty, like in a daze, it doesn't seem real b
Comment by val on June 25, 2016 at 12:17pm

hi

when he passed last saturday the Gp was on holiday , so no death certificate available for another week, I blew my top mildy at receptionist so another Gp rang to say sorry, felt a bit sorry for him really, he was so kind .... ,id made appointment to register it tuesday then couldnt , rang back to cancel and their lines were down ,so frustrating , rang council and finally young idiot answered, twice told her no DC tilla nother week and she still insisted on an appointment next week, put phone down in end , then GP comes back early from holiday ,,, so he signs it so make another appointment , I godown yesterday and when i go in I hear registrar whisper to collegaue LAST ONE I think charming ,,,but apparently she is retiring that day and my hubby is the last death she will register , I nearly said arent you lucky he went then.....then she hands me a box of tissues and its same green box as the last I bought him......

the day before id gone to chemist to pick up my own prescription and its empty shop except for  a guy in front of me .....she asks his name ...and its MR MOLE  and my hubby was MOLE,,,,,,she asks address ,,,and its viaduct court ,,,and my mum used to live same address another town , so I smile and thinks oh yes he s here , I suddenly feel lighter , hes with me I think,,,so I go back to car park and lo and behold im parked right under ELvis & Nixon the movie poster and it comse out next tuesday which is our 24th wedding anniversary  (he was elvis mad)  and again I think OMG hes in the car now , so many signs , he said he would and he has ........every night he charged out two mobiles at ten , they never keep charge mostly more than a day ,, its now a whole week and his phone is here beside me fully charged and i havent touched it ,,,,,,,,,,,,,is that his energy I like to think it is .........  

I count myself so lucky I have this "gift" and he knew what I had so could come back and talk wnenever he wanted and will, i feel sorry for people  who dont believe as its such a comfort .....

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