My life has change and I cannot just smash my way out of pain.

I lost my wife Jodi on June 16th. At the time it was like any night but change quickly. Before I knew it I was back home alone cleaning up stuff left by the EMT`S. It then hit me. I was like this is a dream but my heart knew.I did not know I could cry like that. Then it began the start  answers that I could not be given truly and people just asking how over and over. I could not hear there words and did not know what to do next.I knew my wife wishes because we talk about it here and there. She was 46 years old and I had no clue what to do next. The next day I am numb. I get a phone call from her son in California. He starts to ask be about money. There is nothing to talk about but do you want to know what happen to your mother. Then I hear rumors from co-workers about other co-workers talking about my wife. My wife work at a hospital and was shock by this. Again I am sad and I am so confuse.But I am alone and start getting phone calls.Not how are you doing  but what happen. Again I had to reply on facebook for people to back off.Then I am ask again about money from the son which there is none at that moment. But she wanted him to have nothing because of his issue`s. and yet I am trying to explain how this works.I have never been threw this. Then about 2 to3 week later I get a summons to court for 4 tasers they found in our bedroom. This happen in the bathroom and the tasers have nothing to do with her passing.Yet I am looking at this and has the date my wife pass. Just kick me when I am down. They are old and were left out do to a blackout. This is what the cops thought was best to do. So finally we have funeral and many show up but barley any co-workers who said she was the greatest. Yet I stood alone with my daughter. I was so angry at my wife. How can you leave me. But begging did not change outcome. So threw this nobody came to be with me just texting and calling. I was alone. She made me a better person and was my only love. I could not understand so call friends of her`s and some of mine. This is were she live for 20 years and I heard how great she was yet nobody still came to the door.I sit and see the empty bed and house. I never needed anyone. She is what I needed. I use to tell her I hate her for making me fall in love with her. Then the kids came and took some stuff and ashes and I have the rest.Then slowly they are gone and never really stay.I am alone. Then don`t make promises.I know I am strong but not this time.I broke down and told people.Yet same results like they did not want to see me weak. I wanted to smash her co-workers for being so vile. Who does that. They are cowards who hide. But why bother to make up unknown facts.I cannot defend a lie. I am left with my thoughts and see how many people just went away.I have seen death before and bad side of life. That was a long time ago. Everyone just left me alone. For once I said I need help. All I got was you will get threw it. To use distance as a excuse and we are not talking another state. I miss her so much and I cry alone and I feel my anger rising. All her kids care about was money that did not come into play yet. I sit in the home were there mother died and cannot just run away. As many know things need to be taken care of.I had this bottle up since June 16 and my birthday is only days after. She was a amazing wife and I want people to know. I waited 40 years to get married. I never wanted to be hurt. Now I have been crush. I feel weak like I should be stronger but I cannot shut it off. I love her so much. We had a great marriage besides outside forces and we got threw it. she help so many people at her job and so many thank you letters from people. My heart hurts,I do not sleep and want just to smash these fake people. I would of rather they said nothing. Then her cousin said well it was only 6 years. So I said to her do we want to debate a husband who cheated on her and beat her and she got out and left with nothing. I was not that man and she love me for it. She lay on me every night. We never not share our bed. We never went to bed angry. For people to say things without knowing is weird and how everyone just never did a thing. I just wanted to talk. My bed is empty and my heart. I was never in love like this. I like them and I left them for I believe love was for the weak. She show me I was weak for not loving. I let her in and now I feel destroy. I cannot even go to her hospital because I could hurt someone. I am well aware of who they are. Jodi change the old me. I felt her love for me. Why is everyone trying to hurt me. From co-workers to bad cops who had nothing better to do. Also I collect weapons like people collect art and tasers are all over 6 years old. What did the police have to gain by this. As I said its my wife day of her death. They have not a thing to do with her dying and also all were presents when I was younger man. They had other choices. Maybe I am crazy but I work with police for years. The pending is killing me because I need to know. I cannot move a inch until I know. The worst part people assume things as I said about rumors. But ER and our doctor said they think it was a blood clot or Anyusism bad speller. Sorry everyone rush been holding this in so long. I am alone and nobody even visit besides her 2 daughters and my daughter.  I miss her and as I said it sound strange to hear a man my age talking about first love. I was married once and it will only be her. I just did not think I be alone and people can be so cruel. Yet I could be something different but she would not want me to be the old me a long time ago. Also never been to jail LOL. I use my anger in life to fight wrongs for the weak. But also was like a black cat don`t cross my path. I have never love like I love her. I grieve her alone but miss her so much. Please I need help. I never felt this way. I hate it. I hate her for making me love her so.

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Tags: A, I, did, feeling, have, inside, me., not, really, thought, More…was, wrong.

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