Don't grieve alone; 13,500 members and growing
In general, I think I have been managing better in the latter half of this, my third year since my beloved died. How I describe it to anyone who will listen is that the first year was a crazy nightmare, in the second I forced myself to get out and try to create a new life, and in the third, I’ve been able to build on that new life — even though it’s mostly just a matter of going through the motions. I don’t actually WANT to be doing any of it. I feel like someone who has been kidnapped and imprisoned. Eventually I have given up rattling the bars, and tried to make the best of it. But in the last week, I have fallen back into the nightmare, with the constant painful fear in my heart. What is that fear? Fear that I can’t bear it and... I don’t know. I can bear it, I suppose, because I do bear it. Every now and again I give in to the pathetic sobbing and calling for him. It’s like it’s only just happened. I think he thought I would find someone else if he died. And maybe I even thought I would. But it’s impossible! I never met anyone like him before in my life, and I haven’t met anyone who even remotely matches up to him since he died. I don’t believe such a person exists. I’m only for him. It’s not a matter of principle for me that I wouldn’t pair up with another man... because I want to be happy again! But whichever way I look at it, it’s impossible. My beloved was uniquely wonderful in so many ways. Perfect. I want him back, but I know by now that’s not going to happen. This time of year is so, so hard. People invite me over for a “little Christmas get-together”. I’d genuinely rather go to the dentist. I’m grateful for all of you grievers out there, for your silent, knowing, loving company.