My life has become a scary nightmare again

In general, I think I have been managing better in the latter half of this, my third year since my beloved died. How I describe it to anyone who will listen is that the first year was a crazy nightmare, in the second I forced myself to get out and try to create a new life, and in the third, I’ve been able to build on that new life — even though it’s mostly just a matter of going through the motions. I don’t actually WANT to be doing any of it. I feel like someone who has been kidnapped and imprisoned. Eventually I have given up rattling the bars, and tried to make the best of it. But in the last week, I have fallen back into the nightmare, with the constant painful fear in my heart. What is that fear? Fear that I can’t bear it and... I don’t know. I can bear it, I suppose, because I do bear it. Every now and again I give in to the pathetic sobbing and calling for him. It’s like it’s only just happened. I think he thought I would find someone else if he died. And maybe I even thought I would. But it’s impossible! I never met anyone like him before in my life, and I haven’t met anyone who even remotely matches up to him since he died. I don’t believe such a person exists. I’m only for him. It’s not a matter of principle for me that I wouldn’t pair up with another man... because I want to be happy again! But whichever way I look at it, it’s impossible. My beloved was uniquely wonderful in so many ways. Perfect. I want him back, but I know by now that’s not going to happen. This time of year is so, so hard. People invite me over for a “little Christmas get-together”. I’d genuinely rather go to the dentist. I’m grateful for all of you grievers out there, for your silent, knowing, loving company.

Views: 144

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 21, 2018 at 12:54pm

I don't quite know what I,m doing here but I want to reply to Alice & Morgan who both replied to me having just joined this forum. I reacted to the death of my husband by having a breakdown and was hospitalised for 2 months. I am still on a lot of medication and think I have complicated grief as I am just obsessed by thoughts of my husband and the suddenness of his death. I too feel that whatever I do I'll not get over it ever. It's been 17 months now.

Comment by morgan on December 7, 2017 at 12:43am

Alice,

Its about the acknowledgement.  I feel the same way.  And then when I read the stories of all the people who are just joining this site I want to comfort them by letting them know they are being heard but I cant possibly write to each one.  I wish I could.  I just don't want to be the one to tell them that they may be like me and never get over the loss of their beloved spouse.  That all the feelings they are having at the beginning never really subside they just change the form of the attack on our psyche.  

And the worst part for me is that having gone through these years of trying to wrap my head around how to live without him my immune system all this time from the stress and the grief and crying has been doubling down on attacking my body.  I have recently been diagnosed with extensive arthritis and it is creeping into every joint.  I am in the process of trying to find a doctor that  has some kind of holistic capability as anti inflammatories just add to my physical issues because they rip apart my digestive system.  Cortisone lasted all of 11 days the last time.  It has now gotten to the point where I can walk for maybe two hours and then the pain is so intense I have to lay down and heat my leg.  Now the other leg is beginning to do the same thing.  I actually don't care in one way but don't like the pain in another.  Will see what I can do.   that the consequences for me of losing my husband have done extreme damage to me.   I saw it coming but I know there really is nothing I could have or can do about it.  I miss him.  I want him back and I know that is not going to happen so the sooner my body gives out the better.  What a way to live huh?

Comment by Alice Thompson on December 6, 2017 at 1:30pm

Thanks so much for replying/commenting, Morgan. I

do feel so alone, so it’s really nice to have your acknowledgment and company. I’m sorry for both of us. At the moment I feel as if my choice is to be in the company of other people and feel alienated from my true feelings, or to be alone and feel isolated. Neither is exactly great. Thinking of you. :-)

Comment by morgan on December 5, 2017 at 10:32pm

Alice,

I have been here reading posts and and saw yours and needed to help or maybe its just for me to get something off my chest.  I have stopped writing a lot as i have seen many posts for loss of a mother but not as many for loss of a spouse.  I cant relate as well to the loss of mother but I am deeply damaged losing my spouse.  I ask myself why.  

Why was it easier to lose my mother and my father but not my husband.  It's not as though I didn't cry and I didnt miss them but after several months it passed.  But losing the man who was my life has been impossible.  I am approaching five years in January.  Xmas Eve day he entered the hospital to find out he had stage four cancer.  My life began to end that day.  Now I cannot celebrate anything.  

I have, like you,  tried to reconstruct my life.  If I told you what I have done you'd think I was crazy.  But nothing helps.  The only thing I can say is that the meltdowns are less frequent.  But their despairing intensity is off the charts.  I still sob and cant see to go more than a two to three day span until something triggers it.  Before it was barely 24 hours so I guess that is something.

What I am struggling with is how, what can I do to stop the hatred I have for life.  I just want none of this and yet those who are around me see what I have accomplished and think I am getting so much better.  Its because I have driven myself to madness.  I do everything to distract to a maniac degree. I come here because I need to hear that no one else is getting better either.  I am so over having to live.  For all these years I kept thinking I would have a breakthrough.  That something would happen where I would want to live life again.  Something would make me.  Its not.  There isn't anything here for me.  I'm tired and now I am fighting a medical condition.  I want the medical condition to get worse.  Way worse so my body gives in.

I just want to join him wherever he is and if there isn't such a thing then it wont really matter but it has to be better than this.  Sorry to not be able to cheer you but I have realized there just isn't such a thing for me anymore.  If I cant have my old life back I don't want one at all. 

Groups

  • hi

    hi

    3 members

Latest Activity

Silke B. and Brenda Ann are now friends
2 hours ago
joe kelly updated their profile
18 hours ago
joe kelly joined Katherine Ellis's group
Thumbnail

Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
18 hours ago
Ann updated their profile
19 hours ago
M Adams commented on M Adams's blog post Super blood wolf moon - lunar eclipse happening now
"Watching it alone last night was sad but I’m glad to have seen it."
yesterday
Trina Mamoon left a comment for morgan
"Dear morgan, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth…"
yesterday
Alex is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Brenda Ann left a comment for morgan
"Dear Morgan, You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, What a beautiful picture of you and your wife and your gravestones will hold both your bodies but you souls will be united in another realm. Morgan,  You will be in thoughts my tomorrow as you try to make it through the…"
yesterday
M Adams posted a blog post

Super blood wolf moon - lunar eclipse happening now

The moon should appear at its reddest at about 9:12 p.m., with the event lasting until about 10:40 p.m.Kelly encourages people to take a look.  "You know, stop and look up and really think about [how] we are on this huge planet, moving around in space and there's very few times that we can actually be reminded and feel the effects of that," she said.See More
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
yesterday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Joe, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I…"
Sunday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
Sunday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
Saturday
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service