Greetings Everyone,
I have come here hoping to find some peace. I not only lost a daughter, but I lost my best friend. Irene was 27 year and 29 days old when she died in front of us that day. Her anniversary is coming up in June but her birthday was in May so this time of year gets hard for me. On top of that my husband had cancer and we're just getting through that. I'm feeling so alone and drepressed so I thought I'd like to reach out and see what happens. This will be the 8th year without Irene but still feels like the first. Will it ever get any better? I should be getting better by now shouldn't I? The tears aren't as often, that's good isn't it? I'm so unhappy.

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Comment by Ann Edmondson on April 27, 2009 at 11:19pm
Katherine; I lost my brother 9 years ago and my son 2.5 years ago. I will be totally honest with you the grief doesn't go away but it does get easier to live with. There will be days ahead when all you want to do is curl up and bury your head in a pillow and cry. DO IT!! There is nothing wrong with that. Crying is God's way of allowing our soul to heal. Then you will find there will be days when all you rememberis the laughter you had with Irene. Don't stop talking about her. Remember every detail of her life. Put together a scrap book if you can. This is one of the things that helped me deal with the loss of my son. Maybe it will help you too. If you believe in the Bible, God tells us that He will never give us more than we can bear. The key to that is to remember that He bore it all first and he will always be at our sides when we go through trouble times. An unknown author put it best when he wrote the poem "Footsteps in the Sand" In the last Stanza the man turn to Christ as says Lord, when I needed you most there are but one set of foot prints in my life where were you -- Christ answered saying my dear child it was in those times that I carried you.
Comment by Robert Tinsley on April 26, 2009 at 7:41pm
you cant always remember there gone sometimes its just best to remember some good times to the happy you know when she did that thing that was so funny or said that the way she did or maybe even just that she would also laugh about or enjoy try you remember sometimes it helps me and im am sorry for your pain but remember
Comment by Dj French on April 26, 2009 at 4:03pm
I lost my son Shane 13 yrs ago and I dont miss him any less than I did the day we lost him...... Hes the first thing I think of when I open my eyes and the last before I go to sleep (if i can sleep at all) It hasnt gotten better but it has become different. I just keep going thru the same stages of grief. I can say every day isnt the total mind consuming heart broken crushing pain that it was for the first 5 years but its always there, the pain and sorrow of not having your loved one with you. I have had 5 heart attacks and 2 strokes since losing Shane and have problems understanding why I lived thru this? But I know one day Jesus will call my name and we'll be reunited. hugs, dj
Comment by Christine Duminiak on April 26, 2009 at 2:44pm
Dear Katherine,

I am so very sorry about the physical loss of your dear daughter Irene. What I have learned in life as that our loved ones who are residing with God continue to see and hear us and will try to let us know this by the many ADC signs that they give us. They want us to know that they are still a huge part of our lives and that we can continue to talk to them (or write them letters) and they will hear us!

Your daughter loves it when you talk to her.

Katherine, I see that you are continuing to relive the moment in time where she passed over in front of you, Hon. This must be so painful and sorrowful for you. I would like to suggest a wonderful book that will help to change that moment in time for you. The book is Embraced by the Light by Betty Eadie, who had a near-death experience.

When you read this book, it will actually help you to follow Irene's spirit popping out of her physical body, going through the tunnel of Light and ending up in Heaven with God and the most incredible feeling of love one can possibly experience.

You will also be able to see some of the things that Irene gets to do in Heaven and will be able to rejoice with her that she is in a place of such wonder and love!

When you find your mind returning the place in time when your daughter passed over, you will be reminded that this place in time no longer exists for her. She is not suffering and she loves it where she is at!!! She would love for you to be happy for her and to reinvest in life again, knowing this fact.

Also, please be on the lookout for ADC signs from your daughter, so that you will understand she is still a huge part of your life. You can read a list of 20 common ADC signs by going to my webpage at:
http://www.christineduminiak.com/adc.html

Also, your daughter may visit you in very comforting dreams where you can talk to her and hug her!

Please know that your daughter is still your best friend and is very actively involved in your life. Love never ends.

God bless you,
Lovingly,
In Christ's Love,
Christine Duminiak
http://www.christineduminiak.com
Comment by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on April 26, 2009 at 11:57am
Make every effort to find a grief companion, someone you trust and can tell it just as it is. Also, find out all you can about grief. There are four things that will get you through your great losses: Knowedge about grief, truth, wisdom (your choices), and persevernece. Look for new ideas and insghts, perhaps from a grief counselor. LLG
Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on April 26, 2009 at 10:21am
Hi Katherine,

I very good friend of mine lost her son through a violent action 10 years ago. When we discussed the grief she was still feeling, she said, "The grief doesn't go away, it just changes into different forms." Although I have never lost a child (I have two adult children), as a hospice volunteer I've been with parents as they lost theirs. I know there are no words that are appropriate, though actions from friends and family are. And I know you daily ask yourself the question, "when will it stop?" I've found that none of the established "steps" of grieving have much to do with reality. Each person is different; each person's needs are the different. Although there are as many approaches to getting over grief as there are authors and counselors who focus on this area, I'd offer yet another starting point. And that's a self-exploration of why the loss is so painful and lingers so long? Simply, what emotions in you did your daughter and best friend generate? In my experience, I've found that knowing what emotions have been lost may be the way of regaining joy in your life. Hope this helps.

Stan
Comment by Margaret R. on April 26, 2009 at 9:13am
Oh Katherine! I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and best friend. My son Jack passed just 4 months and 11 days ago so I'm very new to this breathtakingly painful grief. I know that writing like you did, reaching out to others is a big help to me. I won't even talk to people who think I should be 'getting over' Jack's death. And I don't think 1 year or 10 years will change that!

Last month, I started going to Compassionate Friends, a meeting for parents and grandparents who has lost a child or children. The common thread was that we never stop mourning our children. Some days are better than others, some days are worse. And that was said by parents who had lost children 2 years to 25 years ago.

Jack was 20 and a wonderful part of my life. I think I cope by thinking he'll be home from college or play rehearsal or work or that he's on a vacation to India where he always wanted to go. I have heard that the longer he's gone, the harder it will be to maintain this fiction to which my heart and mind cling.

I don't know if that helps at all, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you'll share more about Irene, talk about all the things that make her a wonderful woman, daughter and friend. It helps me to write to Jack and read the letter to him. Perhaps that will help you, too.

My heart to yours from south Texas!
Comment by Katrina Moore on April 26, 2009 at 8:42am
Hi Katherine,

I'm so sorry that you are so unhappy. I don't like that and wish there was something I could do. Would Irene be 35? I am 35 and just lost my mom a month ago. I just joined this website not too long ago. I don't have much to write, but feel like, well, I don't even know. I don't have many words. My mom was my best friend too. But I feel like I'm doing okay this morning. I guess I haven't had time to think about everything yet. Some days are better than others for me. The beginning was really hard, because I felt like . Well, I think it was so hard to begin with because I had to recover from our few weeks in the hospital and watching her in ICU, and those memories and pictures in my head of watching her slip away before our eyes, and I was there when she died too. But now the good memories are starting to come and replace those and it's getting just a little better. Sorry I'm not better with words and reaching out, but I so feel for you and appreciate you sharing.
Comment by Diana, Certified Grief Counselor on April 26, 2009 at 8:35am
My brother has been gone for 8 years and I think about him everyday. Everyone's journey through grief is different, it does help to share your feelings. I'm glad you have found the Journal/blog feature. You can also post pictures if you wish.

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