My husband died 17 months ago of severe acute pancreatitis. He was perfectly well one day and the next day I had to drive him to hospital with severe gut pain.3 days later we were told there was nothing more they could do for him and we had to withdraw the life support. The enzymes of the pancreas destroys itself and the other surrounding organs. They said it was caused by drink but he only drank half a bottle of wine a night. The first few months I was 0.K. Then I crashed and had to be hospitalised with psychosis. I am on medication for depression. I have 3 wonderful grown up sons who love me but I am struggling with the loss and life just has no meaning for me. We travelled the world and did everything together as 'one person' Now I am paying the price of that dependency and I'm afraid I just want to join him. I know I'm supposed to do things and join things but nothing interests me. I know I have to live for my kids but every morning I wake to the loss and the thought of struggling on for the next 20 yrs fills me with dread. He was only 71 and his mother lived till she was 92!

Views: 167


You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 20, 2018 at 1:33pm

My goodness Maria how awful for you. That must have shaken you to the core. I can relate to the Siamese twins it was the same for us and I fear I'll never experience happiness again.i would settle for contentment but how can that be possible when we've lost the love of our lives.

Comment by Maria panettieri on March 19, 2018 at 2:54pm

I know your pain , my husband and I were like Siamese twins, we were on a holiday in Italy when I woke up to find him dead beside me. My whole world has fallen down , he was and still is the live of my life. I guess this is the ultimate price one pays when you love someone so much. I too like you don’t know how my life will go on

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 19, 2018 at 6:19am
Can someone tell me how to use this site to follow people
Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 19, 2018 at 2:10am

Thankyou Karen for responding to my pain and sharing how you feel. It really is hell on earth.

Comment by Karen on January 18, 2018 at 9:40pm

I feel your pain. It has been only 7 months for me but some days I think it gets worse instead of better. The loneliness is overwhelming when they were such a big part of our world. 

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 18, 2018 at 3:14pm

Thankyou Alice for responding to my pain. I'm new to this site so not sure how it all works. I feel sure I'll never get over this loss but I'm comforted by getting a reply from you & Morgan Thankyou. It must be awful feeling the pain for so long and I wish you well


Comment by Alice Thompson on January 18, 2018 at 2:53pm

Hello Marjorie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I lost the love of my three years ago. It is hellish. Sometimes life is more bearable than at others, but the fact remains that the worst thing possible has happened to me, and it remains a fact every day. Nothing will change that. There will never come a time when it is less true. I can manage my life OK practically, as long as I stay away from most other people. Anyway, I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your grief — so many people here also understand the horror of it. With my best wishes to you.

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 18, 2018 at 1:33pm
Morgan Thankyou so much for your response to my pain You say Sunday was your death day. When was that? It really helps to share with people who understands what we're going through..Bless you
Comment by morgan on January 18, 2018 at 1:21pm

Marjorie, I wish I could offer more than just I am sorry.........I've been wishing to wake up from my own nightmare for a long time but my own predicament is so in flux all the time I can at times be supportive but other times I am simply digging as deep as I can into my hole wishing never to return.  His death date is Sunday.  There is nothing I can do to stop the pain of reliving the walk to death much less the memories I have of all the years we loved each other so intensely.  I wish I could be of more help but I am struggling along every day with indescribable anguish of what death has done to me.  I just wanted you to know though that I have heard your pleas but I have no solution.  I take baby steps still.  Every day is a challenge.  In order to even write this I had to go through a breakdown as I came here to seek some solace and I saw your pain so I needed to write.  Yet I know for me that there really is no solace other than knowing I am not the only one seeking relief.  

I do know of other women who have been able to reconstruct and build a new life.  I have sort of kept up with their progress through other people I know.  But me, I am stuck.  I have more time where I can function better than I did but it always comes back to the one thing that I cannot let go of.  Him.  

I am now going to attempt to get something to eat.  One of the daily challenges.  At least I've gone from a diet of half an English muffin with peanut butter and a glass of apple juice to being able to cook an egg or make some pancakes.  That alone is huge.  Sleep is still erratic and elusive.  Feeling grounded to reality nonexistent.  Hygiene is ok.  Dressing is necessary but not something that gives me the pleasure of looking nice anymore, no need.  

Marilyn, I can only wish that you can find someone who will listen to your pain.  Someone who will be willing to go through this with you.  We are always here and though we might not respond all the time we do hear you and we empathize as we too feel the same. It’s just we are all struggling to patch our lives together and the energy it takes to do that precludes writing all the time when we have so many people coming here to find help with their pain.  Every day more people join this site (and others) which means there are alot of people out there faking a life.  I wish I could do more but I do hear you........take care the best you can.  


Latest Activity

Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I'm glad that I was with my mom when she passed over. I was the last person that she saw and I was able to tell her that it was okay, but you bet I was haunted by all that I saw. There is no good way."
1 hour ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Actually, I am glad you did not see your Mom pass from this life to the next. I was there  for mine and it haunts me that I watched her struggled for breath. There are other things that happened before they took her away that I will never…"
2 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No she always used to say to me “you never know when it will be your time” I’m mad at myself for not being there and the reason was that I stopped at her house on the way to the hospital thinking they will have to get her settled…"
2 hours ago
Profile IconJade Rogers, Butterfly, Tammy* and 2 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
3 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I can relate. There is no definite diagnosis whether my Mom passed away from her heart condition or respiratory failure. I will never know. But there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That was out of my control. I pray that you feel your…"
3 hours ago
Butterfly left a comment for Avi
"Hi , I lost my mother on April 14, 2018. Was with her when she passed. Love if her life. It was hard watching her go and seeing the fight in her face and her knowing that was it as far as being with me again in physical body. She is now a gorgeous…"
3 hours ago
Joy left a comment for Frances Koonce
"Thanks for your message Frances. I just saw it. I appreciate your kind words. God bless you.  I don’t post on this site likebI did when my mom first died. It’s still hard adjusting to her not being here.  Her death has helped…"
4 hours ago
Joy and Frances Koonce are now friends
4 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, so glad for you I so wish I could have the same experience I finally after much though realized what it is that I am having a hard time with about my moms death.....why did she go in CA, I cry and realize that I will live with not knowing…"
4 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I have made a decision to take baby steps to recover from the trauma of the bleed in my brain. The first step I am working on is thinking of myself as a whole person who has the desire and courage to return to living a life without thinking of…"
7 hours ago
Ginger commented on Susan Dee Leatham's blog post While I was sleeping
"Thanks Susan,for this very inspiring post, I lost my daughter on Feb. 18,2018 and reading this has given me so much more peace as I talk to her  everyday."
10 hours ago
bluebird replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I'm glad I was able to help a bit.  :)"
23 hours ago
Elynn m replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Thank you bluebird for the kind words.  That's a great idea to write to our friends.   I still send Christmas cards, and birthday cards, but I should send a card once in awhile too. Thank you for the advice."
bluebird replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I'm sorry you're feeling so down.  It's good that you have your children and your sister-in-law, but no one can take the place of your husband.  As far as your friends, it's quite possible that they just don't know…"
Donna Barringer updated their profile
Profile IconDonna Barringer and Angel Moore joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Crystal K and Avi are now friends
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Elynn and Monty I have this picture right by my computer. It really helped me accept the fact that I will never stop grieve fro my Husband. I find no comfort with family and Friends, just my sweet little dog Babie J."
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"thank you Monty for your comments.  I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say.   I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends,…"
Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Elynn sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling. My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone. Luckily for me i have my sister…"

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service