I'm not sure if I'm posting this correctly since this is my first time. I joined this group today. I've been looking for a site and I found this one and read many posts and felt connected. My husband Steven passed away a almost a year ago on August 12, 2016. My first year without him is upon me in a few weeks and I feel as though it was yesterday.The day he died I went along with him. Physically I exist but emotionally and spiritually I am dead.I have no desire for anything no joy no happiness. I have family that loves me and I love them but it's not the same. Does this,can this, will this ever get better? I just don't see it happening. All I want is to be with him. I have a lot of bitterness and doubt religiously but I don't want to offend anybody. Thank you for letting me vent.

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Comment by Angela on July 30, 2017 at 11:20pm

Cynthia, as with my mom and my sister...mom died within 5 minutes of my sister stepping out of the room for a few minutes to get something.  My sister and I know Mom waited for her to leave so she did not have to see her pass away.  She was stubborn that way and always protecting us.  Perhaps it was the same way with your dear husband, wanting to protect you.

I found grief counseling very helpful and un-burdening.  I can get out everything I feel guilty about, what I think I did wrong...absolutely anything that plagues me.  My counselor keeps me focused and gives great insight into our sessions.  I feel hopeful about the future even though I miss my best friend/love of my life terribly. 

Comment by Paul on July 30, 2017 at 8:55pm
Cynthia, you had no way of knowing he would pass away when you stepped out of the room so please do not feel guilty about that. I agree with you that we are in hell. This world sucks.
Comment by Cynthia on July 30, 2017 at 7:32pm
Once again I hope I'm doing this comment part the correct way. Thank you for the thoughts? It's just so hard to accept the reality that I will never see,hear, feel my husband again. Sometimes it feels like a dream and I'll wake up and it will be back to normal.He was a very sick man for the last three years of his life. He was on home dialysis for kidney failure and had heart failure as well. He hated being on a machine every night he said it wasn't living just exsisting. I knew what the future held but tried to have hope in some sort of miracle but that miracle didn't happen. When he went into the hospital for the last time we thought he had pneumonia. It turned out to be complications from his recent bypass surgery. He had leaking around the heart. Could not forgo another operation his heart was to damaged. He decided to stop dialysis and he died within 7 days. Here's where my guilt comes in. I was with my husband 24/7 always , the night he passed I stepped out of the room for 15 min really 15 minutes and my son was with him and my other two children went home to change and get a few things since we stayed in the room with him. He took his last breath and I wasn't there. Why the hell did that happen! I go over it all the time and hate myself for stepping out.There are so many questions with no answers.All I know is I want to be with him, how do you take a lifetime with the one you love your best friend your everything and then try to go on? If this place we are in isn't hell then I have no idea what is. I don't mean to depress anybody but this is how I feel.
Comment by Alice Thompson on July 30, 2017 at 6:25pm
Hi Cynthia, I am so sorry. I remember the weeks around the first anniversary of my love's death being the very worst period of grief for me. Looking back (it's now been two years and eight months for me) I think it was because the shock had finally worn off and I had been somehow expecting things would be magically better after a year. But they weren't. I just remember thinking -- so now I have a second year without him to get through, and I couldn't bear the thought. But things have got gradually better for me since then, in that I have learnt to live with the pain of missing him, and I function well. I can enjoy things. However, life is totally different now and I can't see myself ever returning to the person I was before. I continue with my life for completely different reasons than before. I do it because my love would have wanted me to, because my children need me and because I believe God wants me to. What I want above everything, for myself, is to be with my love again, but I've resigned myself to being patient. So -- this has been my experience so far. Sometimes I do still descend into hellish grief for a while though, and I always feel disconnected from people around me.
Comment by bluebird on July 30, 2017 at 5:00pm

Cynthia,

It is very much as you described for me, too.  In a little over one month it will be five years since my husband died (suddenly and unexpectedly, of a heart attack), and for me nothing is better.  I died when my husband died, and I hope my body follows suit very soon. It is different for different people, though -- for some people their lives do get better, they feel better (although never the same, of course) and are able to actually live. Perhaps it will be that way for you. There are people on this site who have been willing and able to continue their lives after their spouse's death; I hope some of them respond to your post.

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