Living LIE....so tempting isn´t it?

I guess coming out of hell looks like everyone has a routine in life much like varius channels in one tv, none of which we can relate. Human race can be inhospitable. And we want to join, and believe in a channel here and there, but none of it sounds like true deeper inside. It´s like watching a dance whereas we are pretending to know the steps but couldn´t care less about doing it, taking part. Relationships are like a bubble and inside lives another being and the best I feel like getting close is to a glass of contemplation. Nothing there I can remotely see myself in or relate. The more fantastic it gets towards the plans people have for me, such as lets go travel a different country when my back barely allows national flight sort of thing. It seems as if people these days are so self absorved that it doesn´t matter who we really are, but the image in their heads that it´s fake from the very start. I feel they don´t listen really, they just project needs and wants they are craving daily and that´s a weird play I can´t take the part, can´t phisically play the part, and can´t understand why people choose this fantasy land when I have made them fully aware of where I am at. THen there is the people that make you the main actor as if the play never suited the least. I wonder what fantasy land is so fantastic that takes ignoring all around that is real, tangible and being said. Then there is another part of human race that are crazy for the left overs...meaning, ok now you are single or alone and I am the next best choice...what kind of crap is that? I wonder what depths of human kind is KIND to say the least. Some people really like the lalaland. They make this weird image and when I rebel after I go unnoticed into what I can and can´t be, and I say listen...I know I did this stupid thing out of despise of your laland, and I am sorry, but lalaland isn´t looking any better. Two wrongs don´t make it right, but being right in a FAKE story sucks too. People love to blame, but hate to admit they went so far in their lalaland, at the exclusion of what is the real me. And the more they got closer on their needs sucking my will, I got pissed and chose reality check and butt off. SOmetimes it´s funny how DEEP the hurt is. It´s not that I can´t deal or respected or be trusted. I JUST got SICK and TIRED of the forever exercise to fit in someone´s LALAND and tying to tell it isn´t like me at all. Because every time that part is sucking me to their needs and wants, a little part of me is NUMBED in the process. It´s not about how wonderful one wants me to play a role there, but WHAT ROLE this plays in MY LIFE HERE AND NOW. It´s like someone is playing my feelings fo a fol or some weird way to relate that is quite superficial and I have to repeat 10 times the same thing and goes unnoticed, to the point pissed is just another candy I have to chew. The reality is that hurting is a very REAL process. And the more we hurt, the deeper we need to touch to make the come back. And most people never did any digging for anything real. They just like the dragging along exercise in life. They drag their feet in the jobs, in the family, with peers, and with life. Everything lame is more than ok and plenty. And as soon as we rebel to shut the crap and get real, shaking them a little makes loosing laland and irreparable loss. But what did it meant for me to squeeze myself into their lalaland? Oh, that was nothing, and I over reacted to everything and blah blah blah...please tell me te perfect talk to make me fit again in laland and fell like a princess or something like that. They can´t afford reality, but squeezing every part of our soul into this shrinking to fit exercise is somehow COMPLETELLY ACCEPTABLE and the only REALITY they care. I wonder how many times I´d have to break my back until they realized I am dealing with pain daily and I need a calm life and reality is all I can do. It´s very stressful, annoying, and a real piss off exercise trying to fit in a SHOEBOX made for me without considering my actual size. Meaning, some people have this shoebox whereas they drag you in it calling you girlfriend, then wife, or whatever. But it doesn´t matter ewho is in it. As soon as we complain the shrinking is NOT OK, they dismiss like our feelings are nothing. But that box is AMAZING! If i just hit myself on the head enough times and again and again...I´d learn the pains to fit is ARE SO WORTH IT! Holy macarrony crap. I swear I think some people are from another planet called laland stage kinden garden. Blindness to all that is REAL and TANGIBLE is a MUST to be ACCEPTED. Come on now...do you ever feel like fitting is is just a TRIP? And you want out of the trip one way to someone´s paradise which to you is just hell to pay all the way? Yeah, that´s how I feel....been there done that and pay my my does to that dirt right there, I aiin´t fitting in simply because requires me to be smaller and at one day down the road I have anothe role...the girl that went missing...I disappear and become someone´s toy. Been then played around for so long that lost all connections to SELF, REAL, and BEAUTIFUL inside my SOUL. What´s wrong with that? Yeah for one to look AMAZING and another one has to just clap there is ABSOLUTELy no room for 2. I loook at that and think....who the hell does this laland made to this brain of yours? Must be some type of illusion of the pathetic type. I still like to think we all hurt and we all are EQUAL. But by having to even explain a whole lot is just CRAZY. But some people make us feel forever and each time ORE REDUCED or NEEDY or CRAVING their shitty presence (never enough and forever making it seems more than what it is). The best measure is HOW CONTENT WE FEEL in their absence...yeah, right after their wonderful presence. Kiss my ass for all I care, some people are just damaging any way they come...and most often the SAVIOUR and PROTECTOR shield are the best front for the biggest CRAPS. Just saying....sight.

Views: 25

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Groups

Latest Activity

Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I would say that your mom was fortunate that she did not suffer that way. Sometimes a person will suffer for years before they die. I am certainly glad that I got to be with my mom at the end and tell her that I loved her every day, but it was…"
13 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I know you know I did not mean it in that way, but of course not, my question, should I be thankful she did not suffer and lay in a bed and me have to watch her suffer and be able to do nothing as so many had to do on this site.  But as you…"
17 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I don't know if we can be thankful that our mom's died under any circumstances. "
yesterday
Profile IconMarian Bruce and Colleen joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"True Brett Should I be thankful? My mom died in an instant she was herself until the last minute. Some say I’m lucky I didn’t have to watch her suffer. But my mom used to always say we suffer everyday in this earth. I would have been…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No, she didn't everyone, good or bad, dies. Few people have an easy death."
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Wow Avi I believe in karma but I’m not sure that your mom has done anything wrong present or past that would make her have gotten that disease"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks Theressa. Yes hope the questions will be answered. In my country, lot of importance is given to Karma and it is believed that whatever you sow and you will reap the same. Not sure how this karma cycle is analyzed and who decided if this was a…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes Avi That’s what we all have to do we have to go on with our lives it’s so much easier said than done I cry sometimes uncontrollably I have hope that one day every question or any uncertainty we have will be answered"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Guys it is completely 1 year when my mother's cancer was detected. I hope I can go back in time and change everything but I can only live with it. "
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Same Brett, yesterday out of the blue driving home from work I burst into tears saying mom why didn't you wait for me to get there before you went in cardiac arrest, well now isn't that stupid on my part.   I feel that I am a…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I'll keep going though. I'll keep praying. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I do not seem to get anywhere. I will always pray for a wink or a nod. Just something to let me know that the Lord is walking with…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Guys, my heart is just broken. So broken. It's not because of some kind of change. It's just three years of sadness that continues to pull me down, and makes me feel that there is very little hope. I am a very spiritual person. When lie…"
yesterday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, Thank you for your response, and for providing the link to your post about your NDE as well as describing it in more detail here. Although it's terrible that you were in that accident, in a way it was a blessing for you, in that it allows…"
Monday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Lia, your post made me cry because I also feel similar.  I wish you all strength "
Sunday
Bern commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"2012 September 30th. This fight is real. My only son was shot in the head. The girl and her brother were in the house when it happened. The told police that they were playing with the gun. Well a sister and brother will die and go to hell or heaven…"
Saturday
Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Judy sometimes I feel the same way...why do some who don't deserve to live get to while our kids didn't.  And sometimes when I hear others use that word, "miracle" it upsets me too."
Saturday
Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Connie forgive me if I screw this up but the line, "Don't cry for me, cause I live in eternity" runs through me head all the time."
Saturday
Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Connie what a beautiful gift!!!!! That was Daniel, letting you know he's there. "
Saturday
Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Ginger I left all my sons pictures right where they were I need to see them. "
Saturday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service