Living tempting isn´t it?

I guess coming out of hell looks like everyone has a routine in life much like varius channels in one tv, none of which we can relate. Human race can be inhospitable. And we want to join, and believe in a channel here and there, but none of it sounds like true deeper inside. It´s like watching a dance whereas we are pretending to know the steps but couldn´t care less about doing it, taking part. Relationships are like a bubble and inside lives another being and the best I feel like getting close is to a glass of contemplation. Nothing there I can remotely see myself in or relate. The more fantastic it gets towards the plans people have for me, such as lets go travel a different country when my back barely allows national flight sort of thing. It seems as if people these days are so self absorved that it doesn´t matter who we really are, but the image in their heads that it´s fake from the very start. I feel they don´t listen really, they just project needs and wants they are craving daily and that´s a weird play I can´t take the part, can´t phisically play the part, and can´t understand why people choose this fantasy land when I have made them fully aware of where I am at. THen there is the people that make you the main actor as if the play never suited the least. I wonder what fantasy land is so fantastic that takes ignoring all around that is real, tangible and being said. Then there is another part of human race that are crazy for the left overs...meaning, ok now you are single or alone and I am the next best choice...what kind of crap is that? I wonder what depths of human kind is KIND to say the least. Some people really like the lalaland. They make this weird image and when I rebel after I go unnoticed into what I can and can´t be, and I say listen...I know I did this stupid thing out of despise of your laland, and I am sorry, but lalaland isn´t looking any better. Two wrongs don´t make it right, but being right in a FAKE story sucks too. People love to blame, but hate to admit they went so far in their lalaland, at the exclusion of what is the real me. And the more they got closer on their needs sucking my will, I got pissed and chose reality check and butt off. SOmetimes it´s funny how DEEP the hurt is. It´s not that I can´t deal or respected or be trusted. I JUST got SICK and TIRED of the forever exercise to fit in someone´s LALAND and tying to tell it isn´t like me at all. Because every time that part is sucking me to their needs and wants, a little part of me is NUMBED in the process. It´s not about how wonderful one wants me to play a role there, but WHAT ROLE this plays in MY LIFE HERE AND NOW. It´s like someone is playing my feelings fo a fol or some weird way to relate that is quite superficial and I have to repeat 10 times the same thing and goes unnoticed, to the point pissed is just another candy I have to chew. The reality is that hurting is a very REAL process. And the more we hurt, the deeper we need to touch to make the come back. And most people never did any digging for anything real. They just like the dragging along exercise in life. They drag their feet in the jobs, in the family, with peers, and with life. Everything lame is more than ok and plenty. And as soon as we rebel to shut the crap and get real, shaking them a little makes loosing laland and irreparable loss. But what did it meant for me to squeeze myself into their lalaland? Oh, that was nothing, and I over reacted to everything and blah blah blah...please tell me te perfect talk to make me fit again in laland and fell like a princess or something like that. They can´t afford reality, but squeezing every part of our soul into this shrinking to fit exercise is somehow COMPLETELLY ACCEPTABLE and the only REALITY they care. I wonder how many times I´d have to break my back until they realized I am dealing with pain daily and I need a calm life and reality is all I can do. It´s very stressful, annoying, and a real piss off exercise trying to fit in a SHOEBOX made for me without considering my actual size. Meaning, some people have this shoebox whereas they drag you in it calling you girlfriend, then wife, or whatever. But it doesn´t matter ewho is in it. As soon as we complain the shrinking is NOT OK, they dismiss like our feelings are nothing. But that box is AMAZING! If i just hit myself on the head enough times and again and again...I´d learn the pains to fit is ARE SO WORTH IT! Holy macarrony crap. I swear I think some people are from another planet called laland stage kinden garden. Blindness to all that is REAL and TANGIBLE is a MUST to be ACCEPTED. Come on you ever feel like fitting is is just a TRIP? And you want out of the trip one way to someone´s paradise which to you is just hell to pay all the way? Yeah, that´s how I feel....been there done that and pay my my does to that dirt right there, I aiin´t fitting in simply because requires me to be smaller and at one day down the road I have anothe role...the girl that went missing...I disappear and become someone´s toy. Been then played around for so long that lost all connections to SELF, REAL, and BEAUTIFUL inside my SOUL. What´s wrong with that? Yeah for one to look AMAZING and another one has to just clap there is ABSOLUTELy no room for 2. I loook at that and think....who the hell does this laland made to this brain of yours? Must be some type of illusion of the pathetic type. I still like to think we all hurt and we all are EQUAL. But by having to even explain a whole lot is just CRAZY. But some people make us feel forever and each time ORE REDUCED or NEEDY or CRAVING their shitty presence (never enough and forever making it seems more than what it is). The best measure is HOW CONTENT WE FEEL in their absence...yeah, right after their wonderful presence. Kiss my ass for all I care, some people are just damaging any way they come...and most often the SAVIOUR and PROTECTOR shield are the best front for the biggest CRAPS. Just saying....sight.

Views: 16


You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Linda Engberg replied to Linda Engberg's discussion No one cares after spouses death.
"That was beautifully said Jon-Paull"
6 hours ago
Dennis C. replied to Trina H's discussion Coping with the death of my baby girl
"Her is an interesting resource. (just click or tap on the link) It discusses the Bibles view of Death. Why we die, but especially the hope that the Bible gives us about the future. I hope it helps with some hope and comfort. When a Loved One Dies"
7 hours ago
Jon-Paul Ackerman replied to trav's discussion Death of a soulmate(spouse) : Single, Suicide or moving on in life?
"Haha Trav, She won't let you lol. I've tried. They want Us to fulfill this life before chasing them to the next. I suggest cactus treatment. Maybe even microdosing psilocybin for the reoccurring pain that will never go away. You'll…"
15 hours ago
Jon-Paul Ackerman replied to Linda Engberg's discussion No one cares after spouses death.
"No. Nobody cares. We have nobody. All we have is Our decisions. The One we love most never leaves Us. We have become One. Is the beauty of true marriage. Not even death can do Us part."
16 hours ago
Richard Rivera added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...


Annette's been dead just under eight months. My grieving hasn't stopped. I try but I keep getting worse mentally and physically. My groin has swollen more and now due to the fluid build its reaching past my knees. Grotesque doesn't come close to the sight of my misshapen body. I am a freak who is stared at whenever I manage to find the slight strength to go out. So it got me to thinking. As homely as I am, as disgusting as I have become, I remember those three words my wife and I lived with…See More
16 hours ago
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hearing about people's cats makes me want to say the name of our dear little cat Spooky. She was one of those sweet cats that wait for you at the door, recognize the sound of your car approaching, and come when you of course we were…"
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Irina, I have over 20 diferent types of shirts with missing my Husband quotes They show the different ones on the advertisments on Facebook Linda"
Mike H. posted a blog post

Mankind’s Fight Against Mortality

NOTE: My blogs are not posted with the intention of promoting any organization or religion. The goal of these blogs are to provide the same comfort I received for the death of a loved one. Enjoy.Death is a fearsome enemy. We fight it with all our might. We may try to deny it when it strikes someone dear to us. Or, in the exuberance of youth, we may imagine that the enemy will never come to claim us—a delusion we cling to as long as we can.Few thought more about immortality than the ancient…See More
Mike H. updated their profile
irina s joined kimberly rowe's group

mY sOuLmAtE, mY bEsTfRiEnD,mY sUpErMaN,mY eVeRyThInG

this is ment for the people who have lost the closest thing to them it doesnt matter if its a person or an animal it's stilla lost and they all hurt
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have been so lonely the past two days.   Have no desire to do anything right now.  Spent some time out in my garden, but that didn't help too much...just got a call from my son.  Said he'll be back soon (30 minutes).…"
Pearl Irene replied to Karen's discussion Please share your Story = the Loss of your Son or Daughter in the group Missing my Son or Daughter
"I lost my son Dalton, June 16, 2017. He was riding his Motorcycle, lost control and hit a concrete light pole. He died instantly. He was quite a character, one of a kind. He was the warrior for the underdog, a sponge for any type of knowledge…"
Pearl Irene joined Karen's group

Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.
Pearl Irene replied to jordan's discussion I don't no what to do anymore
"Jordan, there are some churches that have grief meetings. I have been considering it, but I thought I would wait a while. My grief is very new since my son died last month. This is something you have been carrying for years. The memory box from your…"
Lost with out him posted a status
"I am now suffering PTSD about the actual "death". I cannot get that vision out of my head. I tried to save him.."
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, I understand.  Aside from Summer and Benny, I still get sad about the loss of our dog Sandy, who we had when I was a kid and through my college years.  She died when I was in college, and I still love and miss her.  I don't…"
Profile IconBri, deena nygaard, Anne MacGregor and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
KIM Montgomery commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Cancer sucks.  My husband didn't even last 6 months."
KIM Montgomery joined Katherine Ellis's group

Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
joanne posted a blog post

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service