Today I had to respond to several emails and repeatedly write down that my mother is dead. Finding it very hard to keep writing the words, so hard that it took several days of tearful effort to complete the three most pressing responses.  Finally got them done.  I just miss my mother so much.  I hate picking up the phone now because some part of me still expects her voice at the other end of the line. I feel wounded by family and friends who are grieving so differently from me, who are keen to go to the movies, watch tv sports, design fancy birthday cards and attend birthday parties etc., all within hours, days and weeks of her death. Of course these are the family and friends who were unwilling to be there for my mother before, so I guess this should not be a surprise, yet I keep feeling shocked.  Intellectually I know and want to accept that people experience bereavement in their own unique ways and also in their own time, but it is painful to witness their laughter and their apparent commitment to swiftly moving on. Two family members went on vacation within weeks of our mother's death -- what I don't understand is why they still wanted to, how they could bear it.  For me that would be a horrible punishment.  

Find myself wishing that we lived in a time when it was okay to mourn, to wear black, to be allowed to be sad about loss.  My husband died very suddenly two years ago and it has been a struggle ever since -- I must support the people, especially family, around me, and not refuse to be a part of their lives, but the enforced cheer and busy activity is painful to me.  Right after my husband's death my father started complaining about my clothes, saying that he wanted me to dress more colourfully -- it seemed that he had no idea that I didn't really want to dress up and wear eye catching colours and styles.  Or maybe he did sense it and felt it was unhealthy.  Now I am flying back again to be with my father -- my parents' home is in a different country -- there was a lot of pressure to return quickly to make sure he wasn't left alone, so I've only been home a couple of weeks, and my father has let me know that he is determined that we attend a social event together as soon as I touch down, followed by dinner out with my brother and his girlfriend. Dreading all of it, and if he is ready for so much gaiety and distraction, why am I going at all? Yet of course it is important for him to be with friends and remain connected, and certainly I don't want to undermine that.  My own desire to grieve and be alone is not ideal and I can see that it probably already is damaging.  

Just got a call from my father -- he was apologizing because the social event he was so excited about is actually happening the day before I arrive, so he'll be going on his own.  Ironic that he thinks I will be upset to miss out.  This shows me that a lot of my upset was selfish, was about how hard attending would be on me.  Clearly my father is looking forward to social events less than a month after my mother's death, but I can see that I'm much less worked up about what that means now that I am off the hook.  Guess it's no great revelation that my grief is selfish.  Selfishness is not exactly a rarity.

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yesterday
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"thnx.............."
yesterday
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"You are a good person. I'm sorry you are gong through this."
yesterday
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"thnx  i no 1 day thy will get loss we got but i will not treet thm way did me "
yesterday
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Thank you. I am sorry people have abandoned you. "
yesterday
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"so sorry on yore loss i no u soon lern abot frinds familyy wen it cums to a loss  u soon lern abot real frindss u do evn famllyy 1s it dont trun bac on u wen u need themm "
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Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"You said everything I am feeling right now. I am doing and thinking the same. I know it doesn't help but I am so sorry. "
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Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I am new  here and don't really know how to navigate so forgive if I make a mistake. I am drowning in pain and have been ignored by friends. I have only two left and both have many things of their own. I sit at night and hurt until the…"
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Billy Jo Colt commented on Kelli Auerbach's blog post New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood
"Thank you Kelly for a genuine and bright yet deep insight into how berievement has affected you. Children are resourcefull and it isn't till in later life that the death of a loved one creates a new reality. I've written a song about the…"
May 17
Kelli Auerbach posted a blog post

New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood

Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Everyone sounds a little down today.   And that's OK.   I do the same thing.   I am learning how to move on with life.  I know that there will never be another Joe.  He was my life, my love.  I miss…"
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Over the last couple of days, I've had some real negative thoughts, scary to say the least.  I know I'll never see her here with me again, which I know but can't accept, but today I questioned is she here with me in spirit? …"
May 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot…"
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"As much as we all suffer, some may have an additional burden of having to go out into the real world and deal with people in business to survive.  The impact of that makes it all that much more unbearable.  While I'm not in that…"
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