Today I had to respond to several emails and repeatedly write down that my mother is dead. Finding it very hard to keep writing the words, so hard that it took several days of tearful effort to complete the three most pressing responses.  Finally got them done.  I just miss my mother so much.  I hate picking up the phone now because some part of me still expects her voice at the other end of the line. I feel wounded by family and friends who are grieving so differently from me, who are keen to go to the movies, watch tv sports, design fancy birthday cards and attend birthday parties etc., all within hours, days and weeks of her death. Of course these are the family and friends who were unwilling to be there for my mother before, so I guess this should not be a surprise, yet I keep feeling shocked.  Intellectually I know and want to accept that people experience bereavement in their own unique ways and also in their own time, but it is painful to witness their laughter and their apparent commitment to swiftly moving on. Two family members went on vacation within weeks of our mother's death -- what I don't understand is why they still wanted to, how they could bear it.  For me that would be a horrible punishment.  

Find myself wishing that we lived in a time when it was okay to mourn, to wear black, to be allowed to be sad about loss.  My husband died very suddenly two years ago and it has been a struggle ever since -- I must support the people, especially family, around me, and not refuse to be a part of their lives, but the enforced cheer and busy activity is painful to me.  Right after my husband's death my father started complaining about my clothes, saying that he wanted me to dress more colourfully -- it seemed that he had no idea that I didn't really want to dress up and wear eye catching colours and styles.  Or maybe he did sense it and felt it was unhealthy.  Now I am flying back again to be with my father -- my parents' home is in a different country -- there was a lot of pressure to return quickly to make sure he wasn't left alone, so I've only been home a couple of weeks, and my father has let me know that he is determined that we attend a social event together as soon as I touch down, followed by dinner out with my brother and his girlfriend. Dreading all of it, and if he is ready for so much gaiety and distraction, why am I going at all? Yet of course it is important for him to be with friends and remain connected, and certainly I don't want to undermine that.  My own desire to grieve and be alone is not ideal and I can see that it probably already is damaging.  

Just got a call from my father -- he was apologizing because the social event he was so excited about is actually happening the day before I arrive, so he'll be going on his own.  Ironic that he thinks I will be upset to miss out.  This shows me that a lot of my upset was selfish, was about how hard attending would be on me.  Clearly my father is looking forward to social events less than a month after my mother's death, but I can see that I'm much less worked up about what that means now that I am off the hook.  Guess it's no great revelation that my grief is selfish.  Selfishness is not exactly a rarity.

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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I wish you more than 20-25 years. No girl should lose their daddy when she is still so young."
18 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes Brett. A bit of rough phase but coping up to do things as mentioned by Selv. To do work to earn and other things.  One thing which is driving me is my angel (my 4 months daughter). Her name is Kiana and her smile is my driving force to…"
18 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I feel like you are going through a rough time right now. You're not alone. One of the great things about a site like this is that you are a world away but I know who you are and I know that you are missing your mom just as much as I am.…"
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree Brett. Completely. My mother used to worry about small things and I used to get irritated sometimes. But now I miss it"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom worried about every detail of my life. There are some who would say that is intrusive. I felt that she was just being a mom. I miss that so much. I had the flu last year. I was laying in that bed and all I could hear was silence. My mom would…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Good morning Adams. It is 9:40 AM in India and I am at my job and trying to concentrate hard as my Mom always wanted.  I have almost stopped complaining of anything in life now as I have already lost my most precious gift. Now what ever I have…"
yesterday
morgan and joe kelly are now friends
Sunday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, the fact that you were close enough with your mother to share your negative feelings about your job shows real intimacy, which I think is what loving mothers treasure above all else.  So hard accepting that we will not hear that beloved…"
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Even my mother always used to say that live your life fully but I was always complaining on some matters. She used to worry about me the most as I was not stable in my job and used to talk about quitting it often. She always used to say, love your…"
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, my mom said those exact words....."
Saturday
morgan commented on Alice Thompson's status
"Alice,  I regret not getting it together to write on Dec 2nd as I recall that was your anniversary of your husbands death date.  I have just been swimming upstream through the rapids.  Each year during the "seasonal"…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She also used to say, "I lived my life, now you have to live yours." "
Saturday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You know what when my mom could not be resuscitated, her eyes were wide open and looking toward the right towards me as I walked in, she saw me I know it.  I shut her eyes.  I wanted the hospital staff to leave me alone.  They were…"
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SeLV commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Let those tears flow.."
Saturday
Alice Thompson posted a status
"Still here; still missing my love with all my heart; hoping we can all get through another lonely holiday season."
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"SelV, your mom would have had it no other way. She saw you take your first breath. You saw her take her last. I experienced that as well. If I had my way, I would have gone before my mom. Is that selfish of me? Yes. I don't care. Losing mom was…"
Saturday
SeLV commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Dear all...the thought "What if I had died due to unforeseen circumstances and my elderly widowed mother had to grief my death?" crossed my mind many times. Knowing my mother, her world (of me and her) would have collapsed and she would…"
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I think you're right, Theresa. We are a sad bunch. I think our moms would be touched that we love them so much, but they would probably also want us to be happy and move on. I just don't think that's possible, nor do I believe that my…"
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