It's been one and a half years since my sister and best friend left me to be in heavenly places. This coming weeking will be the second birthday of hers that I cannot celebrate.

 

There are some nights when I lie alone, I can see her so clearly. I see what she looked like when she smiled, what she looked like when she slept, and what she looked like when she was with me. We both had a content look on our faces. We were happy to be in each other's company.

 

I also think alot about that last night I saw her. Even though we hugged and kissed like all sisters do, there was some tension between my sister and I...mostly due to it being my fault.

 

I remember my mum calling me a few days before my sister passed. She told me,'Your sister has the flu quite bad, why don't you go and visit her.' I told her ok, but I was so busy with work and my husband was studying, that I thought it wasn't necessary. She would get over it. It's just the flu, my mum does this all the time. There had been too many times when they'd scared the bejeebers out of me and I'd gone running like a mad woman to check on one of my family members, only to find out everything was fine. I was being run ragged at the time with demands from all directions, and I was really physically and mentally tired and drained.

 

3 days later I get a call at work that my sister's in hospital with a very bad chest cold. She still seemed so fine when I went to see her that night. She jokingly told me that she had to land herself in hospital in order to see me. I smiled and told her it wasn't funny...why didn't someone tell me how seriously ill she'd been. I'd just been told she had the flu! Now when I look back, I know that I'd gotten caught up in my own personal troubles and work, and I'd neglected to take care of my sister. It was just once...all it took was one moment for me to turn my head in another direction and take my eyes off of her, and she was gone. I'd kept a steady eye on her for years after her seperation with her husband. I was with her daily. When she found love again, and started making plans for her future, I thought I could focus on my life again. I started working harder and didn't go out as often. I don't know what I was trying to achieve. A better life? Make something of myself the way she had in her career? I don't know. All I know now, is that no matter how great the success or the achievement, it would never have made up for not having a sister anymore. Everything feels so damn useless now.

I tried to connect with her in our usual way that night, but she was having none of it. She had her boyfriend and her future in laws around her and they wouldn't give me any time alone with her. I sort of stood off to one side and felt uncomfortable. I guess I deserved that. My only sister had been ill and I hadn't bothered.

She once told me she was proud of the young woman I'd become...I think I disappointed her deeply that night.

I live with this heavy, painful feeling in my chest everyday thinking that if I'd just taken care of her she would be alive today. If I'd taken it a little more seriously, she would be alive.

I've messed things up so badly...for my sister, myself and my parents. They trusted me to take care of her. I didn't just fail her, I failed them.

These are the thoughts that play over and over again in my mind. I've stopped talking to everyone I know...I just work. I don't even keep in contact with my parents anymore because when I talk to them there's this guilt that the only reason they're being forced to talk to me, is because she isn't here. They're forced to accept a future with me in it, instead of her. Because of my stupidity, they lost a beautiful daughter.

My marriage is falling apart, and I'm completely alone. Yet through it all...I still love my husband, my sister, and my parents more than anything in the world.

People have hinted at some pretty hurtful things...or just looked at me differently. It's as if, why her and not you?

The thing is...I wish that too. More than any of them. 

 

Views: 88

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by Deb Meyers on June 12, 2013 at 10:46pm

Dear Wendy,

First, I believe our heavenly Father determines the hour and day of our death according to his plan. It seems to me that it was your sister's time to go, and that timing had nothing to do with you at all.. I think you are laying a heavy guilt trip on yourself without reason, and I bet that no one is thinking that it should have been one or the other of you and that your parents are grateful that they have you to love ...I hope you can find some peace in my comments. Your sister's death was beyond your control. Accept that, and live life to the fullest for the both of you..God Bless,   

Comment by dream moon JO B on June 3, 2013 at 3:46pm

sory abot yore loss wendy i no how u feal wen my dad died geting ther to late 10 mins 2 late he died at 220am we got thr at 230 am 

if i new he woz gong to die i wud of stopt all day if i cud go backk in tim all these silly thngs tht goes arond my hed cud i hav stopet him frm dying or i cud of dun more to sav him i no imnot medicl person but lall thes 

thn i ask why why him why not me 

thn i get peple sayng get over it its easy or forget abot th pleple u hav lost coz its easy its ok for thm coz thy hav nver lost any 1 in thr lives yet

all i no its to painful 

i did not relize wen u loze pleple we love pleple can be so crulel i alwyz say i hope to god thy go thru life withh out lozing any 1 co\ all i no it hurts to mush

Comment by Melisa C on June 3, 2013 at 7:41am

Hi Wendy. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to that feeling of being completely alone. The thing is, that I think most people doesn't live everyday life thinking that their loved ones could die. My mom died suddenly on January, had I known it was going to happen I would have stayed with her every minute of that day and I might have been able to help her. But I didn't know, and sadly I can't go back and change anything.

You didn't know either, your sister was young and had a flu, I don't think anyone would imagine she could pass that night. Please try not to hold on onto that guilt.

As for the people who may have hinted hurtful things to you, try not to pay them any attention, they are not worth your time, how cruel of them!

Groups

Latest Activity

Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
12 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
18 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
18 hours ago
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
23 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
yesterday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
yesterday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
yesterday
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Monday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is still numbing to think my Mom is gone & I can't talk to her or see her again.  I lost part of me when she passed.  Someone said the restless feelings I have are really anxiety.  Daily crying is part of my life. …"
Monday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I would rather cry on the outside than on the inside. Crying on the outside is a release. I am really tired of being sad. I'm also tired of being scared. Life without my mom still seems like a scary proposition. All we can do is to continue to…"
Monday
Profile IconGeorge Makhniashvili and Amatullah joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Brett Bowman replied to Lynn Fisher's discussion New here in the group I miss my Mom!
"You and I experienced something very similar. You are not an anonymous person who lost her mother. I just wish that I knew the words that would make it all better. I don't. I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. All I know is that…"
Saturday
Lynn Fisher replied to Lynn Fisher's discussion New here in the group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you so much for your kind words.  It means a lot to me that you would take the time to bring me some peace, which you have."
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"So glad you have your daughter.  I was so close to my Dad & so many wonderful memories of time I spent with him.  It has been over four months since I lost my Mom.  I try to stay busy, but still have a lot of grief…"
Friday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Hope everybody doing good. My daughter is growing up and keeps me busy but any day I sit and feel guilty of not serving my mother, I feel like crying. She should have enjoyed so much with her grand daughter but destiny had some other…"
Friday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service