how does it feel to be no longer a caretaker?

Ok so after so much debate around the mother issue since her caretakin was taken over by my elder sister in a very aggressive move...here we are now. I refuse to visit because meeting the conditions to visit are pathetic to say the least. I am suppose to go to a clinic and don´t correct any negligence I see after registrering and sending to police. Holy crap, hell no. Then sister was suppose to change place but never did. THen she was suppose to arrange mother to visit here and also never did. So...now they want me to visit in hospital after I just gave them hell for waiting too long to take her there. Comes a point that fighting is useless and PEACE is the single goal, right? MY PEACE. The rest butt off. Can´t guilt me later or anytime soon into CARYING about anything that goes on there, right? Fine. This is where I am at. Very well. So I am here in the peace of my home and there are calls from family trying to guilt me into visiting mother in hospital. I gave a peace of my mind. I am sick and none visity me or care to see how I can get there...never mind CARING or WISHING to be there. Came a point I really don[t give a shit. And if anyone wants to dump their load of crap on my I am a shark ad shpw my teeth dumping 10 times more so they leave me along fr longer. So father and I decided to make an ATTEMPT for peaceful VISIT in hospital for my mother. I honestly had to drag myself to the wanting to be there....knowing that place is full of crap and I don´t give a shit anymore. Even giving shit takes energy and time, so I don´t have energy to waste. And what´s the point anyhow? I save for the more stupid things I see...but for the predictable ones such as family interaction about it I pass very far...Done with that. But SEEMS THEY CAN`T FIND A PLACE IN PEACE THERE without engaging me in some way...fully knowing I want them all to go to hell, and they are paving it themselves now. What do they need me for? Ah their usual crap, I see.

I ENTER THE HOSPITAL ROOM. Mother is happy to see me. I am not loving as I used to be. Thhere is no kiss or holding her hand. I go from the crair across the room to next to the bed and back. I hardly want to help any. Sister starts making a little advertising of how she is treating her and needs to be done and I am quiet, don´t engage. So sister goes out for coffee and leave us alone. As soon as she walks out the door there, mother is complaining about her. S I hadt to give mother SHIT, saying listen, you wanted her to control resources...so if you want me to care or do anyhting you must talk to your family and lawyer and ask THEM to TAKE OVER FINANCES, because hey I´ve been there and NOW I CAN`T DO SHIT ABOUT IT. USELESS to compain to me. Compain to who CAN SOLVE IT. So she said but I want to stay in this clinic and not be moved to another (sister brainwash), which I responded fine, you can do that way and understand I won´t visit, and neither other people feel comfortable to see abuse and shut up. We arent cut that way. So, MOTHER, if to you it´s ok that only one daughter visits, get used to it. I am ok with it, although I´d love to be able to spend quality time with mother without being UTTERLY disrespected. And she decided that I should change topic of conversation..I did. Talked about my dog, my life and blah. Of course she went back to apathy which is exactly how I found her there, a person with no SOUL, no LIFE, not HAPPY. I made so much to see her happy, but oh well, some people I guess aren´t met or cut to value any of that. And with that resolve, my only opinion is they deserve each other and misery found company just fine. Of course I never engage in miserable existance, and wont do now. Its funny how things are. I used to care a lot, now it´s just like seeing a dying actor of a cheap movie. Doesn´t get to me in that level anymore. THen I went to find sister as mother asked for her and I used as the door out without thinking twice. Sister came and off I went. THe experience was near PATHETIC. And I had to come and vent with friends all the bs that I endured. Except that now gets me annoyed just for a couple hours and caring for mother was a full time ordeal after the family stepped in. Before there was money, nobody wanted anything to do with her. But money on the wrong hands sounds like bad politics, and I find distance from the hole crap serves me a lot better. THere is one caretaker that is apid that I respect and using the phone to intermediate works fine for me, I avoid the entire family crap. 

But makes me wonder...why does she tell everyone she misses my food and wants to see me and blah, if everything is so BEAUTIFUL and I am the BAD ONE. Why does my sister need anything to do with me there, if the money and mother are all HER CRAP NOW. Hey I didnp´t need anyone to take care of mother when I did...MOTHER NEEDED FAMILY, and that´s why I let them all pick and choose about resources and all. But wasnt good enough, but now life isnt good enough without me...I wonder what crap planet they are all from. It´s pathetic to mistreat e in every way possible...but still want me to clap, wholy shit. Steal my brains, because the heart ids long gone for self preservation purposes. I wonder how someone that did an abortion can take care of a mother....abuse is something interesting.Works like a bad VIRUS, you know. Unless there is people around clapping, and baing abused in some way the shit won´t stand on it´s own. Now why do I need to be there? I don´t, and if they doo...maybe should consider KEEPING THE WORD to what WAS MANDATORY wen I passed the care over. So...really...fulck that shit all toghether and I am GOOD on my own. Let shit hang out with shit, I am not shit and never will be. And I don´t need to remotely fit in. I think was to my actual benefit stop fighting for someone who doesn´t give a shit to keep the life they have when real crazy people want to take over and do real shit. Oh well...passed more then the CARETAKING, I ceased to CARE. As sad as it could be, it isn[t. It´s the only peaceful manner to coexist with all the SHIT around, without sinking in that. WAY OUT. Time and time having to exercise that distance, well, will take evenually 100yrs for me to ACTUALLY CARE. THere are actions such as moving clinics that the timing is going to be so far off, that will no longer resolve. Now they want me to go to the clinic with father or whoever KEEPS THE PEACE, and the same. I just NO LONGER feel like going. That simple. We aren´t talking about mother and sister who ever gave a damn to family, in the contratry. Helping more felt more like diging deep inside me for the simple gratitude to life versos a life long abusive person who didn´t give a damn. So, it´s npt like I want to suffer more to who already gave me much more suffering than I ever needed...so for me they can all go to hell. But in my life, I don´t have HELL to give to anyone one day out of 365. NONE. I want a life with god, good vibes and love, and if they don´t understand how much I fought for LIFE, for all of them...oh well, them they must be confused of what family is, very fasr from the trapping last name to actual love and caring...to all. one day might come to theirt minds. But fornow I am a GONNER and want to see them very little. life as is...time heals and I wont force myself to be all to all people, its not realistic...now i am just mine and that will do

Views: 34

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Groups

Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, Bluebell,   thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a…"
1 hour ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it. I try to be careful. I'm such a religious…"
18 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing."
20 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

What Can Help Me if I'm Depressed?

The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.What God gives to help the depressedStrength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (…See More
21 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have. I had no idea there were only a few…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices. Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi,   welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out. Bluebell"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight,…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Guys This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.  The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"
yesterday
Avi joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.   I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but…"
yesterday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. "
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We…"
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so…"
Friday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom,…"
Friday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about…"
Thursday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0 Virginia, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you…"
Thursday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service