how does it feel to be no longer a caretaker?

Ok so after so much debate around the mother issue since her caretakin was taken over by my elder sister in a very aggressive move...here we are now. I refuse to visit because meeting the conditions to visit are pathetic to say the least. I am suppose to go to a clinic and don´t correct any negligence I see after registrering and sending to police. Holy crap, hell no. Then sister was suppose to change place but never did. THen she was suppose to arrange mother to visit here and also never did. So...now they want me to visit in hospital after I just gave them hell for waiting too long to take her there. Comes a point that fighting is useless and PEACE is the single goal, right? MY PEACE. The rest butt off. Can´t guilt me later or anytime soon into CARYING about anything that goes on there, right? Fine. This is where I am at. Very well. So I am here in the peace of my home and there are calls from family trying to guilt me into visiting mother in hospital. I gave a peace of my mind. I am sick and none visity me or care to see how I can get there...never mind CARING or WISHING to be there. Came a point I really don[t give a shit. And if anyone wants to dump their load of crap on my I am a shark ad shpw my teeth dumping 10 times more so they leave me along fr longer. So father and I decided to make an ATTEMPT for peaceful VISIT in hospital for my mother. I honestly had to drag myself to the wanting to be there....knowing that place is full of crap and I don´t give a shit anymore. Even giving shit takes energy and time, so I don´t have energy to waste. And what´s the point anyhow? I save for the more stupid things I see...but for the predictable ones such as family interaction about it I pass very far...Done with that. But SEEMS THEY CAN`T FIND A PLACE IN PEACE THERE without engaging me in some way...fully knowing I want them all to go to hell, and they are paving it themselves now. What do they need me for? Ah their usual crap, I see.

I ENTER THE HOSPITAL ROOM. Mother is happy to see me. I am not loving as I used to be. Thhere is no kiss or holding her hand. I go from the crair across the room to next to the bed and back. I hardly want to help any. Sister starts making a little advertising of how she is treating her and needs to be done and I am quiet, don´t engage. So sister goes out for coffee and leave us alone. As soon as she walks out the door there, mother is complaining about her. S I hadt to give mother SHIT, saying listen, you wanted her to control resources...so if you want me to care or do anyhting you must talk to your family and lawyer and ask THEM to TAKE OVER FINANCES, because hey I´ve been there and NOW I CAN`T DO SHIT ABOUT IT. USELESS to compain to me. Compain to who CAN SOLVE IT. So she said but I want to stay in this clinic and not be moved to another (sister brainwash), which I responded fine, you can do that way and understand I won´t visit, and neither other people feel comfortable to see abuse and shut up. We arent cut that way. So, MOTHER, if to you it´s ok that only one daughter visits, get used to it. I am ok with it, although I´d love to be able to spend quality time with mother without being UTTERLY disrespected. And she decided that I should change topic of conversation..I did. Talked about my dog, my life and blah. Of course she went back to apathy which is exactly how I found her there, a person with no SOUL, no LIFE, not HAPPY. I made so much to see her happy, but oh well, some people I guess aren´t met or cut to value any of that. And with that resolve, my only opinion is they deserve each other and misery found company just fine. Of course I never engage in miserable existance, and wont do now. Its funny how things are. I used to care a lot, now it´s just like seeing a dying actor of a cheap movie. Doesn´t get to me in that level anymore. THen I went to find sister as mother asked for her and I used as the door out without thinking twice. Sister came and off I went. THe experience was near PATHETIC. And I had to come and vent with friends all the bs that I endured. Except that now gets me annoyed just for a couple hours and caring for mother was a full time ordeal after the family stepped in. Before there was money, nobody wanted anything to do with her. But money on the wrong hands sounds like bad politics, and I find distance from the hole crap serves me a lot better. THere is one caretaker that is apid that I respect and using the phone to intermediate works fine for me, I avoid the entire family crap. 

But makes me wonder...why does she tell everyone she misses my food and wants to see me and blah, if everything is so BEAUTIFUL and I am the BAD ONE. Why does my sister need anything to do with me there, if the money and mother are all HER CRAP NOW. Hey I didnp´t need anyone to take care of mother when I did...MOTHER NEEDED FAMILY, and that´s why I let them all pick and choose about resources and all. But wasnt good enough, but now life isnt good enough without me...I wonder what crap planet they are all from. It´s pathetic to mistreat e in every way possible...but still want me to clap, wholy shit. Steal my brains, because the heart ids long gone for self preservation purposes. I wonder how someone that did an abortion can take care of a mother....abuse is something interesting.Works like a bad VIRUS, you know. Unless there is people around clapping, and baing abused in some way the shit won´t stand on it´s own. Now why do I need to be there? I don´t, and if they doo...maybe should consider KEEPING THE WORD to what WAS MANDATORY wen I passed the care over. So...really...fulck that shit all toghether and I am GOOD on my own. Let shit hang out with shit, I am not shit and never will be. And I don´t need to remotely fit in. I think was to my actual benefit stop fighting for someone who doesn´t give a shit to keep the life they have when real crazy people want to take over and do real shit. Oh well...passed more then the CARETAKING, I ceased to CARE. As sad as it could be, it isn[t. It´s the only peaceful manner to coexist with all the SHIT around, without sinking in that. WAY OUT. Time and time having to exercise that distance, well, will take evenually 100yrs for me to ACTUALLY CARE. THere are actions such as moving clinics that the timing is going to be so far off, that will no longer resolve. Now they want me to go to the clinic with father or whoever KEEPS THE PEACE, and the same. I just NO LONGER feel like going. That simple. We aren´t talking about mother and sister who ever gave a damn to family, in the contratry. Helping more felt more like diging deep inside me for the simple gratitude to life versos a life long abusive person who didn´t give a damn. So, it´s npt like I want to suffer more to who already gave me much more suffering than I ever needed...so for me they can all go to hell. But in my life, I don´t have HELL to give to anyone one day out of 365. NONE. I want a life with god, good vibes and love, and if they don´t understand how much I fought for LIFE, for all of them...oh well, them they must be confused of what family is, very fasr from the trapping last name to actual love and caring...to all. one day might come to theirt minds. But fornow I am a GONNER and want to see them very little. life as is...time heals and I wont force myself to be all to all people, its not realistic...now i am just mine and that will do

Views: 38

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"thank you Monty for your comments.  I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say.   I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends,…"
3 hours ago
Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Elynn sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling. My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone. Luckily for me i have my sister…"
3 hours ago
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have been feeling very lonely lately,  and  am depressed.  I miss joe.  Our 44th anniversary is coming up august 31st.  The friends we had together are busy with their lives.  They don't call often, so I stopped…"
4 hours ago
Elynn m posted a discussion

Lonely

I have been feeling very lonely and very depressed lately.  Old friends are busy with their lives.  Even my children are busy.   My daughter lives 45 minutes away.   She is busy with her new house.  My son is 10 minutes away.  He calls and invites me to go places with them.  I miss the friends that Joe and I had together.  They seem to be busy when I call them., so I quit calling.   My sister in law is very good about calling me.   She comes once a month with her husband to stay overnight.  I'm…See More
5 hours ago
Profile IconSamantha Jolly, Blanca Ornleas and Harris Insler joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
11 hours ago
Harris Insler posted a blog post

A Call to Arms

I am calling on anyone who has lost a loved or knows someone who has lost a loved one due to substance abuse disease.  I lost my son 12 years ago due to a fentanyl laced bag of heroin. It took eight years for me to realize I didn't want his death to be just a footnote and a statistic. I made Part 1 of a short documentary about my son which was which was shown in October of 2017. A film professor/ Director/ editor, John, who had helped me finish this film came up with an idea for a new film. We…See More
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, yes. That is the circle of life."
16 hours ago
Jediah Krajcik updated their profile
19 hours ago
Avi commented on Susan Dee Leatham's blog post While I was sleeping
"Thanks for amazing post Susan. I lost my mother on 15 May 2018 and miss her a lot. I also believe that we will be reunited again once where there is no pain, agony and we will live for eternity. "
21 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theressa I do not have IPhone so I guess face time I cannot install. Let me know if we can talk over skype, my id is avitiwari26@gmail.com Today is 3 months when my mother left for her heavenly journey. I am still not able to laugh with ease and…"
21 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I don't know if I have skype but I do have facetime..."
22 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bret I needed that laugh this morning   lol"
22 hours ago
Briana Wroten joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Avi is now friends with Frances Koonce and Brett Bowman
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I will message my phone # to you. In fact, anyone who wants to call me can. I am convinced that none of you are strung out crackheads, trolling the internet."
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks BlueBell and Brett.  Bluebell wishing that you get perfect soon.  Brett, do you have a skype Id where we can have a call?"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I am so happy for you. And you are obviously doing better with women than I am..."
Wednesday
Chanel commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I'm sorry to hear that you're still going through a tough time, Rain. I feel like some days I'm okay and others I'm struggling. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to."
Tuesday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Congratulations Avi! Bluebell"
Tuesday
Susan Dee Leatham posted a blog post

While I was sleeping

It has been 4 years since my mom died.  I still think about it every day, and can't seem to look past it.  I know I need to go grocery shopping.  I know I need to entertain my 4 year old but before I do anything today I want to share what has helped me tremendously in making my mom's death easier to live with.The first thing that helps is remembering her and being stubborn about NOT letting her go.  I don't have to let my mom go.  She already went.  The thing I do have to do is admit how I feel…See More
Tuesday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service