So tomorrow was mother´s day, I wasnt feeling well at all and treated for back pain. While it was raining outside, conditions not favourable for any venturing out. I had bought a card for mother´s day and a rose. As I went past by them in the way in and out the kitchen, the HOLIDAY bug would try it´s GUILT trip. I had called my youngest sister and she didn´t want to go see my mother either. Since my sister too the care from me it has been so much hell to see or mother, that we came to grips to live without the need to do so. I guess because my mother would make no effort to do much caring for us children growing up and whenever she appeared she made a mess. She divorced and walked away from not only my father but all children. And was my dad who really helped most the kids. Becasue I spent some time with mother best described as hell on earth, I lived in this vaccum where neither one had my back. Father, mother or sisters for the matter of fact. I worked my ass off, and wrecked my back yeah I don´t feel obligated to aything other than taking care myself. But I know who gave me birth. But what extent exactly I am obligated. So I was hoping the iddeas magically would sort themselves out and this answer would come to me or something. But I couldn´t push myself either way. I didn´t want to go and be badly treated and wreck my back, and calling was a little awkward too. I have been quiet and ok that way out the drama and pushing around. At the end I agreed to cal mid to late afternoon. I think the call lasted 2 min max. And I was HAPPY with the RELIEF of the obligation to do something. It´s sad to say all that and feel weird, since I was so present as the caregiver but the whole family crap made it sickening to the bone. And there is a general push around after I show up I can do without. In the end what a holiday is really, sometimes just a cruel reminder of what we are trying to rest our minds from. And as time allown things to settle in my mind and eventually feel better to do any, the HOLIDAY STIRRED up the AWKWARD moment there is. And what´s the use. What I saw is what is, people on edge trying to make this family crap stick although they have not kept the minimum necessary to be any inclusive. In fact, what was I suppose to do? WHat could they expect? I reported to police about negligence there and sister was suppose to relocate and instead just though we would all be loving to be misstreated there overtime since she ALONE DECIDED to pour more money in a clinic that isn´t working, In fact I hear more of the same, misstreating and accidents. People visiting call to tell me. But what´s the use to tell anyone there if they don´t care I went as far as reporting to police...really? Not VIP treatment, that´s for sure. Anyway, maybe GOD is reading my mind and using this for something more meaningful than what i can see. Because what I head in the end of the day is that NOW oldest sister understood she is alone in this and no one buys her or those sdecisions, nd she is desperate to get me involved in the move. Wholy crap, I was doing just that when they shut me off. So, what does it have to do with me now? VALIDATION? I don´t think so. Since my REQUEST TO THE ENTIRE FAMILY WAS RELOCATE long ago, call me crazy or stupid to go with that flow now. They want me to decide now after they disrespected every single decision i made? Sorry, welcome to my shoes a little further down this road ad try me again...really. Lets see they doing a lot and everyone bossing around and disrespecting EVERYTHING THEY DID, than get stressed out while this ABUSIVE people love to push over the edge there, and turn that camera back to the owner, I´m done with any venture heading to just more one guilt trip. I´sd love to be more hopeful about humans, but time after time seeing the shit they can do and blame others, I guess I will stick around my own side now so the blame is real close to real owner for a change. ALL this BULSHIT, done and over with. Now we traded sides you see, they do everything and I go in there when I feel like and blame her. Life is good here right now, on the outside of all thisbullshit. Until some get REAL and get to walk a LOT MORE in my shoes there is no common ground...just a road called blame which we meet at the corner of stuped street. How wonderful, GOD IS INDEED IRONIC! What´s left? Bare minimum and SMILE! SIGHT

Views: 19

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Alice Thompson commented on Pamela philipp's blog post Empty
"Good luck, Pamela :-) It is so hard to live among others when your inner life is so different from theirs. I think that after the first year I gave up expecting anyone to understand what is really going on for me. Sometimes I tell them anyway, but…"
5 hours ago
Teresa D. commented on Karen's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Karen, you saying your not helpful is very untrue.  I hate to say it but those ahead of me let me know I'm okay.  Those ahead keep me from feeling disappointed or like something is wrong with me because I'm not "moving…"
8 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I try to do that as well, Bluebell. I always want to be a son who makes my mom proud. I wish that I could somehow know that mom is still aware of me somehow. That she knows how much I miss her and love her. I just don't know if she does.…"
11 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I am not there yet either Brett.It is so hard to be without her. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other, not to move away from her, but instead to live up to what I think she wanted me to be. Bluebell"
12 hours ago
Pamela philipp posted a blog post

Empty

It's been 2 years since I lost my mother and my husband and I am still lost and still very much alone in my grief I haven't been on this site in a while I've been trying to get by every day it's not working too well I'm struggling really really hard my family is still not around I guess they think I am OK that I'm doing fine little do theyknow that I'm not they are coming to my house this Saturday for a cook out because it's something my mother wanted me to do that's the only reason I agreed to…See More
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"For sure my mom will always be a part of us. But there may come a day when I don't remember her voice or mannerisms as clearly as I do now. There may be a day that I have to look at a picture to remember exactly what she looked like. All of…"
23 hours ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Exactly Bruce and M. Nothing is the same"
yesterday
Bruce Armstrong commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Take a trip would be great if you had that very special person to share it with-people just don't understand how much it takes away from you as a person"
yesterday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This take a trip advice must be widespread -- I was so stunned to get repeated phone calls and letters from one aunt telling me to go on a cruise within a month of my husband's death. I guess my non response is why there were both letters and…"
yesterday
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bruce, it's just overwhelming at times.  This month is our anniversary, the anniversary of our first date (the most significant date to her), and the 3rd year since I lost her.  I have no one to talk to about any of this because my…"
yesterday
Bruce Armstrong commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"So lonely in the evening house is empty nobody here -been 3 months after 54 years with her I miss her and can't seem to stop crying need that companion and love close"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett I think they will always be a part of us."
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, right now my mom is so incredibly fresh in my mind. I do fear that the day will come when that is no longer the case. I don't want my memories to fade away. That is one of the issues that I have with, "letting go.""
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you said it perfectly"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is true that being anxious will not help anything. There are so many things in life that we just have no control over. This is certainly one of them. It's just so hard to stop having those feelings though. My stomach is tied in knots right…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, it will in time... I talked things through in my mind a lot and said to myself well I was anxious yesterday and the day before and it did not change anything, I did see my dr and took something for a few months and I am now weaning off of…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Prayers sent. God Bless you and give you strength and peace."
yesterday
Luisa Salter commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Today we moved everything out of Mom's apartment. It has uncovered a new layer of grief and I am utterly exhausted. My house and garage are in complete disarray with boxes everywhere. I feel so bogged down with things and things to to. I have…"
yesterday
Luisa Salter replied to Crystal K's discussion Its hard accepting my mother's death in the group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal I am so sorry. I lost my Mom on August 30th, and I understand this sense of coldness and feeling like a zombie. When people ask me how I am feeling, I tell them that I go back and forth between numb and devastated. It seems like I will cry…"
yesterday
Karen bentl posted a status
"Yes, I realize no one can actually hear me... I was just reaching out..."
Sunday

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service