In two days my sister will have been gone from this world for 180 days. 6 months. Each hour we get closer to the 20th my anxiety builds. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I have no appetite, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I just want to disappear. People around me can feel the anxiety radiating off me. I know that Thursday will be just another day for so many people in the world but I desperately don't want Thursday to come. I know it will accomplish nothing and change nothing. I don't exactly understand why I'm so afraid for June 20th to be here but I do know that it will be a bad day for me. I'm almost certain that I will try to drown my sorrows and numb the pain I know will be overwhelming. I miss Becky so damn much. There is a huge lump in the back of my throat that has taken up permanent residence. I'm lost in a sea of intense emotions and I'm certain that the dam that's done a half way decent job of containing it all will burst in 2 days. I've had people tell me that in time I'll learn how to handle these emotions. How much time? I need control back, I can't handle this pain. I don't sleep at night because nightmares invade my mind. I just want to let this all go but I don't know how. It's slowly killing me from the inside, I can feel it. How do I beat this? How do I make all of this go away? I want to scream so bad right now. I can feel it rising inside me. The sorrow, the depression, the anger, the anxiety. I feel like a child who so desperately wants to have a 'do over'. 

I just want this all to go away, for everything to be as is was.


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Comment by Gina Stone on June 21, 2013 at 9:34pm

christine I am so sorry for your pain from the loss of your sister. I too am coming up on the 6 month  mark since losing my only child whom was 26. Sometimes I think it hurts worse now than it ever did. Know that lots of people on here understand and will be more than glad to help you get through one day at a time. God Bless and remember just take those baby steps to somehow keep going. Hugs Gina

Comment by Christine Leakey on June 20, 2013 at 8:35am

Hope, I am sorry that you are going through this as well. To be completely honest, I have no idea how I've made it to 6 months without my sister. There are many days that I do not remember, either due to my mind being clouded by the thick 'fog' of what I can only describe as despair or almost drinking myself into a stupor. Today has already been incredibly difficult, it took everything I had to just get out of bed. I made a big decision today. I have reached out for professional help. I'm nervous, anxious, excited, scared and a little disappointed in myself for needing help.. all at the same time. I will let you know how it goes. In the meantime, try not to lose yourself in your grief. I allowed that to happen and now I'm so utterly lost that I can't find myself on my own. And don't be afraid to lean on others. Take care xo 

Comment by Hope Diamond on June 19, 2013 at 3:16pm

First let me say that I am sorry for your loss and anxiety. I understand about the physical aspects that you mentioned. I get the lump in my throat, my arm and leg tingle, I feel like my heart is going to stop and I can't breathe. How did you get as far as 6 months without your sister? My sister passed away 2 and a half weeks ago and I am going crazy. I hope that time will help for healing and ease the pain as well as I hope that for you as well. I found my sister and I have anxiety as I think about it. I don't know what to say or any tips that may help you tomorrow. I wish that this will all go away to and that I am in a dream.

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