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In two days my sister will have been gone from this world for 180 days. 6 months. Each hour we get closer to the 20th my anxiety builds. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I have no appetite, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I just want to disappear. People around me can feel the anxiety radiating off me. I know that Thursday will be just another day for so many people in the world but I desperately don't want Thursday to come. I know it will accomplish nothing and change nothing. I don't exactly understand why I'm so afraid for June 20th to be here but I do know that it will be a bad day for me. I'm almost certain that I will try to drown my sorrows and numb the pain I know will be overwhelming. I miss Becky so damn much. There is a huge lump in the back of my throat that has taken up permanent residence. I'm lost in a sea of intense emotions and I'm certain that the dam that's done a half way decent job of containing it all will burst in 2 days. I've had people tell me that in time I'll learn how to handle these emotions. How much time? I need control back, I can't handle this pain. I don't sleep at night because nightmares invade my mind. I just want to let this all go but I don't know how. It's slowly killing me from the inside, I can feel it. How do I beat this? How do I make all of this go away? I want to scream so bad right now. I can feel it rising inside me. The sorrow, the depression, the anger, the anxiety. I feel like a child who so desperately wants to have a 'do over'.
I just want this all to go away, for everything to be as is was.