Hi my name is Ann. I lost my husband December 18,2016. He had lung cancer. I have two boys ages 21and 18. They both live with me. I have been through so much. I had breast cancer during the first year of my husbands cancer. I did chemo had surgery and in a year was cancer free. Then right after that I had infected kidney stones had two operations for that but they found kidney cancer. They removed part of kidney. I had the best support group through all of this my friends and church family. I was truly blessed. This whole time I needed hip surgery but had to post pone it. I had to leave my job cause of Heath and had to take on new rule of caregiver. Life is hard still need to have hip done been trying to get it scheduled. Things are really bad for me. Before my husband got sick we had finance problems. He got a great job with great pay and I worked part time. He was one month into the job when we get news of cancer. Since his death I struggle so much . I have some money set aside I can pay some bills but it will not last forever and I need to sell my house. My house is falling apart and needs a lot of work done but have no money. My friends stop calling me and I stopped going to church cause I felt judged and looked down on. No one cares that I have not been there. No one calls to check on me. I feel like a failure. Just lately I feel like I am loosing it I cry all the time. I don't go anywhere. I feel sad, angry, hurt, lonely, unloved, like a failure. . my siblings don't talk to me much and when they do they don't try to help me they ask me questions and want me to tell that what I am going to do . We fight a lot and they judge me. Not once have they even came to help me. I have no one . .

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Comment by morgan on August 24, 2017 at 3:09pm
Ann,
If I had an answer I would share it with you so you could feel that this desperateness we feel is somehow fixable. I've been searching to find a way to create more of who I was before my husband died. I have struggled along and feel very alone too. I have spent an inordinate amount of energy trying to deal with this pain. I have found no real good way other than to endure. I do have one person who my husband asked to look after me if something happened to him and he has been my sounding board and I cry to him a lot but mostly i just deal with the grief waves as they hit me. Over the years they have lessened in frequency but I cant say they have gotten better in their intensity. I have learned that I have to just cry it out. I have found no other way. It has stripped me in my neural system and I think the erratic eating and sleeping has affected me in my joints. In general I look forward to the day nature takes its course. Not very encouraging I know but if there is anything you will find is that the low down feeling is shared by all of us. All we do is keep afloat and let each other know we all feel the same.........take care the best you can.....morgan

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