I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm drowning again. I thought things were getting better, that I was finally learning to handle my emotions, that I was coping. But now I'm right back where I was a year ago. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry myself to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing's changed, nothing's happened. And that's the worst part, knowing that it's coming from within. That I'm doing this to myself. I just want it to stop.

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Comment by MIchael Ortiz on September 22, 2017 at 11:06pm

Its been 3 months since I lost my love. I had to do it alone. I hope you have family or someone you can just vent and they just listen.I still feel pain and ups and downs.One second I think I am better and boom.Have no clue what sets it off. Do what you think might work and not others think.I order Netflix and watch stand up comedy for days to try to laugh.I was not getting from the fakers.I did not know I was so strong I did not need anybody.They were wrong. One do not be hard on yourself. Its grief and it comes with no timetable.Do not force yourself to try to stop.It will get a little better without you knowing.Also think what would they want. The good things that made you laugh.There is no sure fit. You are like that old toy with the circle and square of wood and your trying to force the wrong shape threw the wrong hole.It will never change I will always love my wife. That is the way it is and will be. This is your grief and just try something different.

Comment by bluebird on September 22, 2017 at 9:54pm

You aren't doing it to yourself -- your grief and your loss are doing it to you.  It sucks, but that's what grief and loss do.  It's quite common to feel that things are getting better for a while, and then find yourself back in the depths of sadness.  This shit tends to come in cycles. Don't beat yourself up for it.

Comment by MIchael Ortiz on August 14, 2017 at 3:53pm

 I guess if was that easy you would not be writing and might feel people are like its been this long.There is no time limit on heart ache. It will be 2 months for me in 2 days. I feel like now it will never end. I am trying to find that thing. I don`t want to go out drinking or some bar. I have heard its like a roller coaster. You will never forget. I have been trying what would she want for me. Does it make it better no. It does make me pause and reflect.

Comment by morgan on August 14, 2017 at 12:50am

Bethany,

If I didn't know better I would have thought I wrote your post myself.  There are differences in the person we lost to death and the timing since it happened but the rest of what you wrote is exactly how I feel.  

I keep hoping I am going to get beyond or find a way or when I get a small amount of relief I imagine that the depth of my emotions aren't going to roll back in but needless to say I am still carrying around the shadows of the past.  Deeply. 

I know in my head what is happening but I seem defenseless to control what can appear at any time a slide into oblivion.  At this point I cope by knowing my mind will eventually overwhelm my bodys resistance to death.  The stress will kill me.  No one can withstand this amount of struggle and survive for too long.  It seems already too long but I can see how my body is reacting and since I was so healthy to begin with it is going to take some time but it will happen quicker if I had been able to do all the stuff society thinks comes easily after the trauma of losing the love of your life.  

I think I get your drowning metaphor......it's hell on earth and there isn't anything really that is going to change it for me.  I can only hope others find ways to make it easier on themselves until their own time comes.  Take care

morgan 

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