A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity

So I found myself headed back to the GriefShare support group last Monday.  I was actually considering stopping my attending. Not because anything has been solved or fixed or resolved, but because things had settled down, and my problems have moved onto other issues.  Then on a random scroll down Facebook lane, I see a posting from Jen's sister, Dallas, that her oldest daughter, Brooklyn, had been killed in Omaha a few days past. This tore me up. This family has endured more pain than any family should have to endure.  And if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t necessarily know Brooklyn super well, but in my twisted, fucked up, Multiverse reality, I kinda considered her to be my niece as well.

So I went back to GriefShare to help process these emotions. There is a new gal there that had recently lost her husband and after the video and everybody’s talking, she asked me what my story was. There had been a couple hints here and there that I was dealing with something that was old. So I briefly told the story about Brooklyn’s death, but then deeper down, how it is really just a continuation of Jennifer‘s accident 36 years ago.  For some reason, she saw it, my story, so differently than everyone else.  She was immediately able to go down the path of, "You didn’t just lose a loved one, you lost your life too."  All the secondary losses, the hopes, the dreams, the plans, the potential, ripped away without ever having a say in the matter.  That is the first person, in the hundreds that I have talked to about Jen’s death, that has been able to make that connection immediately. Yes, we all lose loved ones.  I attended six funerals of friends alone before I was 20 years old. But only one of them ever completely derailed me.  And others, perhaps even most people, have stumbled upon the fact that there were secondary losses.  I intellectually know that it happens, I have even documented their existence in some of my past writings, but this lady was the first person to ever see it immediately as I lost my life too, and not just a close friend.  It is strange to say that it is validating, but for once somebody heard about the length of time I have been suffering and could immediately identify the issue.  I felt seen.  For the first time in 36 years, I didn’t see myself as completely batshit crazy, and I didn’t even know that that mattered.

Now I’m left scratching my head, wondering, what do I do with it? Is it enough? What is my next step? Is it even possible to just pick up the pieces and craft a life from here on out? Why did it matter?  And even as I ruminate on it more, I am lead down a path of asking what am I actually grieving all these years?  Is it really Jennifer, someone that I loved, or am I actually that much of a selfish asshole that has actually been throwing a tantrum over my losses, cloaked in the loss of a loved one?  Maybe (hopefully) it is both...I don't really want to come to the conclusion that it is just a case of a selfish toddler.  But it is definitely a near term additional layer of identity crisis.

Views: 29

Tags: Best, Death, Friend, Greiving, Grief, Loss, Losses, Love, Relationships, Secondary

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by Speed Weasel on October 21, 2024 at 8:08pm

GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the message presented, what we are feeling, what we are learning, navigating through the loss journey.

The GriefShare website explains it more, and has a section to search your area for groups that are active and details of when they are meeting.  GriefShare.org

Comment by Natasha on October 17, 2024 at 12:51pm

is griefshare a website like this?

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
Oct 21
Natasha commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"is griefshare a website like this?"
Oct 21
dream moon JO B updated their profile
Oct 16
Morgan Sangrouber is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 10
Addie replied to Kali's discussion It was not supposed to be like this in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Kali I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal. Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
Sep 26
Kali added a discussion to the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
Thumbnail

It was not supposed to be like this

In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
Sep 26
Kali joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
Sep 25
Profile IconKali and Bridget Baker joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sep 25

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service