to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was like being back at day one where I laid in a fetal position on our bed clutching his box of ashes propping his picture on his pillow and barely able to move. Getting into a shower was an effort like climbing a mountain.  It was like that again for me just recently.

Now I am at the end of March.  And though I might be better able to function through a day right now as opposed to then, my mind is becoming less able to fight off the need to survive.  I have undertaken projects that keep me distracted, I have made two new friends and have three old friends plus a sister who I know care about me and my situation of grief but there is nothing that I have done for the past five years that has removed the urge to end it all.  In fact, it has gotten stronger as I can barely think about having to live longer without him.  I just cannot continue to push myself like I have, pretending that somehow this is going to be different or better or livable.  

I'm really exhausted and even writing this it makes me want to cry because of how empty I feel.  How hard it has become to pretend. I don't want this.  I dont want to live.  I am ready to die.  I've tried everything except drugs to tough this grief out but he never leaves my mind.  His essence is burned into my brain and there is nothing or no one that can come near to bringing me enough positive reinforcement to make me want to keep this up.

Can I commit the final act?  Not yet.  But I question more sincerely how long will I actually put up with living knowing how deeply I feel his loss.  Knowing that I would never want another man in my life and that no matter what I do to keep myself occupied or talk with others who care about me it's not healing me, changing me, making it better, or giving me a purpose.  

Yes I know that the rest of you feel much the same.  Many who are at an early stage and wonder how they will ever manage and many who are much later on in their grief and are still wondering how they will manage day to day without the continual pain of the loss. 

Crying is my only release as the pain builds but it always returns and it is getting worse each time.  Not just the physical act of crying but the question of whether or not during one cry I am going to succumb.  I am just going to say enough.....I don't particularly want to because of the fear of not reuniting with my husband if I do something untowardly but the hopelessness during the process of my crying and what it does to me now is becoming more and mroe unbearable.  

And it comes on me like a bolt of lightning.  It strikes me hard and debilitates me to where I can barely sit up, breathe and my brain just runs wild.  

I don't know how the rest of you manage to do a day.  I do what I can and normally I end up at least one part of the day crying.  And mornings are the worst for me too......like Bluebird said, it's the thought that I have woken to another damned day I don't want.  

So to my fellow grievers.......thank you for expressing how hard this is for you because if it wasnt for the fact that I know I don't suffer alone I am consoled somewhat.  But its getting harder not easier for me.  You would think time would do the reverse but its making me less worried about whether I go by natures way or my way.  Not there yet but I am just doubting how long I will put up with how I feel.  And yes, I know there are those of you who feel the same.  I just wonder how we all keep going........

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Comment by Virginia G on April 20, 2018 at 2:05am

Morgan,

i know you said you don’t like meds, but maybe one of the natural supplements for anxiety could lessen the meltdowns?  Just a suggestion.  I’m the opposite, don’t know why I’m not having constant breakdowns, feel guilty, thinking I might still be in shock with my ptsd. So at least you don’t have the guilt.

Comment by AnneJ. on April 18, 2018 at 1:55am

Ah, Morgan. And Bluebird and Linda and Mel and Alice and all you others who let me walk with you from cave to cave during these dreadful years of an examined life. I'm so tired I can't even write lately; our old friends, where are they... Tildy and Mrs. Rocky the Parrot Girl, George, John, every last one of you over the years, the only people who get it.Even the condemned has someone with them at the assigned hour...my family is broken and spread out, I had to clear house on my oldest "friend", who never was...50 years and she's hard and cruel as Nature.Who gives a shit about life when the grandest life I could ever have is forever over, forever done. I'm kind to dogs and pity the little ones as they didn't ask for the future, but I miss my man like a lioness misses her dead cub. I send you  all my honest love. AnneJ.

Comment by bluebird on April 8, 2018 at 4:09pm

I'm right there with you on a neighboring cliff, morgan. We are like those ancient hermits, each of us in our own cave, knowing that there are others nearby living much like we are, but still each of us is in our own dark, enclosed space.  We venture out onto our cliffs to shout across to each other how we feel, how this hell is for us, how we increasingly feel the pull to just let go, or to launch ourselves and plummet down to the eternal sea below. 

For now, at least, we will remain cliffside neighbors. Should we ever decide to jump, and if there is an afterlife, then we will see each other there. {{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by morgan on April 1, 2018 at 4:02pm

Alice,  Thank you so much for responding.......it means a tremendous amount right now as I keep slipping backwards.  I feel like I have been standing alone on the edge of a cliff for so long.  Even though I know there are others that feel the same way they are on their own cliff alone.  There are thousands if not millions of cliffs.  But each of us though we have the same feelings are on our own cliff.  A name, a name that calls out to me from a nearby cliff is helpful and provides me with the knowledge that others are struggling not to jump.  But I am feeling so hopeless and alone and purposeless.  Not more than ever, just the same as ever.  Its just not going away.  

Other than the overwhelming desire to be with my husband during my  life I have only one other thing I want almost as much....... to die now.  To be relieved of this burden of life.  To not have to wake up in the morning and get through another day.  

Your words are wise.  Articulate.  An indefinite sentence.......Yes......a prison.  And escape?......it's in reach but can I attempt it and win my freedom if taking things into my own hands results in being still separated from the one thing that makes me tick?  A heartbeat away......

Living an existential crisis everyday just has me looking over the cliffs edge everyday.  And everyday, so far everyday,  I have backed up.  But after this long I am weak, dispirited completely and seem more inclined to dangle my body further over the edge.  I am so tired. The tears just keep flowing.  My mind is still sharp but my heart is smashed.  

I wrote that blog post because I just don't know what else to do sometimes to get the crushing pain out of me.  I have spoken to the universe and told it that I would willingly give up my life and breath for someone else.......and it isn't listening.  There is no damn reason for any of this and I am just so tired of fighting it.  But knowing my voice has been heard calling from the cliff has given me thought......one more day......almost over.  Thanks for calling out from the nearby cliff......

Comment by Alice Thompson on April 1, 2018 at 2:29am

Dear Morgan, we are bearing the unbearable and therefore doing the impossible. No wonder we find ourselves in a place that doesn’t even relate to normal life. It is so cruel, to be put somewhere where you can’t have your love but neither can you have any other love; where all you have is memories, and even they become less sharp. It is a place in which you have to remain for an indefinite sentence, a place where excruciating pain can strike you at any time (which is in itself traumatising). And taking things into your own hands, aka escape, seems impossible whichever way you look at it, because you are a deeply loving person — if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be in this torture in the first place. Thank you for telling this pain that so many of us unfortunately share. Thinking of you, and all of us, Alice.

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