My husband died 17 months ago of severe acute pancreatitis. He was perfectly well one day and the next day I had to drive him to hospital with severe gut pain.3 days later we were told there was nothing more they could do for him and we had to withdraw the life support. The enzymes of the pancreas destroys itself and the other surrounding organs. They said it was caused by drink but he only drank half a bottle of wine a night. The first few months I was 0.K. Then I crashed and had to be hospitalised with psychosis. I am on medication for depression. I have 3 wonderful grown up sons who love me but I am struggling with the loss and life just has no meaning for me. We travelled the world and did everything together as 'one person' Now I am paying the price of that dependency and I'm afraid I just want to join him. I know I'm supposed to do things and join things but nothing interests me. I know I have to live for my kids but every morning I wake to the loss and the thought of struggling on for the next 20 yrs fills me with dread. He was only 71 and his mother lived till she was 92!

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Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 19, 2018 at 6:19am
Can someone tell me how to use this site to follow people
Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 19, 2018 at 2:10am

Thankyou Karen for responding to my pain and sharing how you feel. It really is hell on earth.

Comment by Karen on January 18, 2018 at 9:40pm

I feel your pain. It has been only 7 months for me but some days I think it gets worse instead of better. The loneliness is overwhelming when they were such a big part of our world. 

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 18, 2018 at 3:14pm

Thankyou Alice for responding to my pain. I'm new to this site so not sure how it all works. I feel sure I'll never get over this loss but I'm comforted by getting a reply from you & Morgan Thankyou. It must be awful feeling the pain for so long and I wish you well

Marjorie

Comment by Alice Thompson on January 18, 2018 at 2:53pm

Hello Marjorie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I lost the love of my three years ago. It is hellish. Sometimes life is more bearable than at others, but the fact remains that the worst thing possible has happened to me, and it remains a fact every day. Nothing will change that. There will never come a time when it is less true. I can manage my life OK practically, as long as I stay away from most other people. Anyway, I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your grief — so many people here also understand the horror of it. With my best wishes to you.

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on January 18, 2018 at 1:33pm
Morgan Thankyou so much for your response to my pain You say Sunday was your death day. When was that? It really helps to share with people who understands what we're going through..Bless you
Marjorie
Comment by morgan on January 18, 2018 at 1:21pm

Marjorie, I wish I could offer more than just I am sorry.........I've been wishing to wake up from my own nightmare for a long time but my own predicament is so in flux all the time I can at times be supportive but other times I am simply digging as deep as I can into my hole wishing never to return.  His death date is Sunday.  There is nothing I can do to stop the pain of reliving the walk to death much less the memories I have of all the years we loved each other so intensely.  I wish I could be of more help but I am struggling along every day with indescribable anguish of what death has done to me.  I just wanted you to know though that I have heard your pleas but I have no solution.  I take baby steps still.  Every day is a challenge.  In order to even write this I had to go through a breakdown as I came here to seek some solace and I saw your pain so I needed to write.  Yet I know for me that there really is no solace other than knowing I am not the only one seeking relief.  

I do know of other women who have been able to reconstruct and build a new life.  I have sort of kept up with their progress through other people I know.  But me, I am stuck.  I have more time where I can function better than I did but it always comes back to the one thing that I cannot let go of.  Him.  

I am now going to attempt to get something to eat.  One of the daily challenges.  At least I've gone from a diet of half an English muffin with peanut butter and a glass of apple juice to being able to cook an egg or make some pancakes.  That alone is huge.  Sleep is still erratic and elusive.  Feeling grounded to reality nonexistent.  Hygiene is ok.  Dressing is necessary but not something that gives me the pleasure of looking nice anymore, no need.  

Marilyn, I can only wish that you can find someone who will listen to your pain.  Someone who will be willing to go through this with you.  We are always here and though we might not respond all the time we do hear you and we empathize as we too feel the same. It’s just we are all struggling to patch our lives together and the energy it takes to do that precludes writing all the time when we have so many people coming here to find help with their pain.  Every day more people join this site (and others) which means there are alot of people out there faking a life.  I wish I could do more but I do hear you........take care the best you can.  

morgan

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