My life has become a scary nightmare again

In general, I think I have been managing better in the latter half of this, my third year since my beloved died. How I describe it to anyone who will listen is that the first year was a crazy nightmare, in the second I forced myself to get out and try to create a new life, and in the third, I’ve been able to build on that new life — even though it’s mostly just a matter of going through the motions. I don’t actually WANT to be doing any of it. I feel like someone who has been kidnapped and imprisoned. Eventually I have given up rattling the bars, and tried to make the best of it. But in the last week, I have fallen back into the nightmare, with the constant painful fear in my heart. What is that fear? Fear that I can’t bear it and... I don’t know. I can bear it, I suppose, because I do bear it. Every now and again I give in to the pathetic sobbing and calling for him. It’s like it’s only just happened. I think he thought I would find someone else if he died. And maybe I even thought I would. But it’s impossible! I never met anyone like him before in my life, and I haven’t met anyone who even remotely matches up to him since he died. I don’t believe such a person exists. I’m only for him. It’s not a matter of principle for me that I wouldn’t pair up with another man... because I want to be happy again! But whichever way I look at it, it’s impossible. My beloved was uniquely wonderful in so many ways. Perfect. I want him back, but I know by now that’s not going to happen. This time of year is so, so hard. People invite me over for a “little Christmas get-together”. I’d genuinely rather go to the dentist. I’m grateful for all of you grievers out there, for your silent, knowing, loving company.

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Comment by morgan on December 7, 2017 at 12:43am

Alice,

Its about the acknowledgement.  I feel the same way.  And then when I read the stories of all the people who are just joining this site I want to comfort them by letting them know they are being heard but I cant possibly write to each one.  I wish I could.  I just don't want to be the one to tell them that they may be like me and never get over the loss of their beloved spouse.  That all the feelings they are having at the beginning never really subside they just change the form of the attack on our psyche.  

And the worst part for me is that having gone through these years of trying to wrap my head around how to live without him my immune system all this time from the stress and the grief and crying has been doubling down on attacking my body.  I have recently been diagnosed with extensive arthritis and it is creeping into every joint.  I am in the process of trying to find a doctor that  has some kind of holistic capability as anti inflammatories just add to my physical issues because they rip apart my digestive system.  Cortisone lasted all of 11 days the last time.  It has now gotten to the point where I can walk for maybe two hours and then the pain is so intense I have to lay down and heat my leg.  Now the other leg is beginning to do the same thing.  I actually don't care in one way but don't like the pain in another.  Will see what I can do.   that the consequences for me of losing my husband have done extreme damage to me.   I saw it coming but I know there really is nothing I could have or can do about it.  I miss him.  I want him back and I know that is not going to happen so the sooner my body gives out the better.  What a way to live huh?

Comment by Alice Thompson on December 6, 2017 at 1:30pm

Thanks so much for replying/commenting, Morgan. I

do feel so alone, so it’s really nice to have your acknowledgment and company. I’m sorry for both of us. At the moment I feel as if my choice is to be in the company of other people and feel alienated from my true feelings, or to be alone and feel isolated. Neither is exactly great. Thinking of you. :-)

Comment by morgan on December 5, 2017 at 10:32pm

Alice,

I have been here reading posts and and saw yours and needed to help or maybe its just for me to get something off my chest.  I have stopped writing a lot as i have seen many posts for loss of a mother but not as many for loss of a spouse.  I cant relate as well to the loss of mother but I am deeply damaged losing my spouse.  I ask myself why.  

Why was it easier to lose my mother and my father but not my husband.  It's not as though I didn't cry and I didnt miss them but after several months it passed.  But losing the man who was my life has been impossible.  I am approaching five years in January.  Xmas Eve day he entered the hospital to find out he had stage four cancer.  My life began to end that day.  Now I cannot celebrate anything.  

I have, like you,  tried to reconstruct my life.  If I told you what I have done you'd think I was crazy.  But nothing helps.  The only thing I can say is that the meltdowns are less frequent.  But their despairing intensity is off the charts.  I still sob and cant see to go more than a two to three day span until something triggers it.  Before it was barely 24 hours so I guess that is something.

What I am struggling with is how, what can I do to stop the hatred I have for life.  I just want none of this and yet those who are around me see what I have accomplished and think I am getting so much better.  Its because I have driven myself to madness.  I do everything to distract to a maniac degree. I come here because I need to hear that no one else is getting better either.  I am so over having to live.  For all these years I kept thinking I would have a breakthrough.  That something would happen where I would want to live life again.  Something would make me.  Its not.  There isn't anything here for me.  I'm tired and now I am fighting a medical condition.  I want the medical condition to get worse.  Way worse so my body gives in.

I just want to join him wherever he is and if there isn't such a thing then it wont really matter but it has to be better than this.  Sorry to not be able to cheer you but I have realized there just isn't such a thing for me anymore.  If I cant have my old life back I don't want one at all. 

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