I went to a psychologist (weekly vist ) I don,t know what are you suppoosed to say. Iam sad ,I miss my wife,I want to commit suicide (I don,t ).I asked this guy about some groups and he said"I suppose I would look into it. Iam tired of myself.I keep wanting to get a massage(a real one).I cann,t bring myself to do it.Ref :Getting tired of myself. My alter ego says"get your ass in there(massage place) ugh I hate myself. I have my own little nighmares during the day about my wife dying.. I go…

Iam going to buy the most outlandish designed sheet and put it on the bed.I suppose one could go one step further and sell the bed my wife sleeped on . Its almost new bed

everyone grieves differently (thats been said right!) I have some spells(flashbacks) of her last breath. This puts me on the ground,not literally.I gave most of her clothes to goodwill,keep some dresses. There is so much personal belongings both hers and mind.

You collect all this stuff and eventually you pass…

well I read members blogs and have ideas for my blog.Its odd I feel like I have been living in a vacuum my whole life.Everything was further complicated by a pretend marriage and the passing of my wife.Especially by the death of my wife.So I carry a unconsciousness goal of maby dying.As anyone can share ,death is a mystery.My poor wife was turned into a vegetable by the witch doctors a St edwards South austin hospital.So maby I can be pumped full of pain killers and die a no nothing…

how do you grieve?why are we thrust into that world alot of us know.Does God sort it out.It makes us wonder about God Many people blame God.God is fair but in a hard way.My own experience

I wonder she dies ( I pull the life support) Why Why Put me into a life that I always ran from .after all Iam 65 able to bounce back uh Able to put it together move on .Well like it or not Doing it whether I like it or not. No not a bed of roses If there was a more simpler way  would we all take…

I read other peoples entries and have made comments. I learned to not comment directly but use the subject matter of the person entry to somment. There are many times where I see ,smell or hear something that reminds me of her. Ill work through it or avoid it. She was on dialysis. I avoid the dialysis clinic (its next the GYm where I go)On the other hand I keep some dresses and shoes of hers . She was oriental (Taiwan) rice was a big thing I haven,t cooked rice since she died or eaten (well…

I was trying to think what to tell my therapist.( I frigging hour to do this) ahh "your the only one preventng me from blowing out my brains"( don,t own a gun) !! Iam not sure if I want to go to a support group . I would lay on my couch all day if given the chance. Iam stuffing my face with pasta as Iam typing this.My upper back hurts. However back to step one or two .I really need to get out and talk to someone.Getting drunk is not the answer.I have forgotton to take my welbutin(anti…

 A coworker said and it very true that instead of trying to please my wife ,who sadily passed way that Iam replacing her with her son ,as far as pleasing him or seeking his approval. Enough said

I emailed my stepson and said Iam taking grief(101) learning to be independent.Which again is very true. So I have been making financial decisons and there is a kind of independence slowly working its way in . (AT least I think there is ) in my case I welcome it but in gaining it it was a…

I don,t care how our marriage went in the final years. I must have depressed her terribly(maby) I don,t know,she backed me into a corner over the years.Her revengful temper ,(or what  ever you want to call it) came between us,also my inability to get out from under.

So much for that.we were together 35 yrs (since 1977) Sometimes I cann,t bring myself to even type my true feelings. So as everyone knows the loss of someone close is a debilitating. Having to pull her life support haunts…

Iam afraid to change ,shy,scared etc. However doing things on your own are good ,gym,walking ,paying attention to your health.This afternoon put some of her clothes in a box,not good ""emotional crash"however, I think,Iam able to push thru grieving spells,its the worst like waking up from a nightmare and finding yourself in a box but eventually finding a way out.Ha! only to have  grieving spell repeat its self.I read eventually the worst of the spells go away,keep busy

a member here recommended a web site for me to read and get me thru my loss. 'recover from grief .com" I had some very good  information on grieving. As I read  more entries Iam overwelmed with the feelings and actions of those that I read about. So I truly don,t feel alone.

Iam no better than the next person dealing with loss. Iam do walking patrols and Iam in the staircase  unable to move because of a "flashback" from our life together,but I tell myself "move through it" Iam sure…

no nothing like that ,just tired.Its like the common consenses is hurry and reinvent myself. Noo! The living room in the house where we lived is a disaster zone. Iam starting to go thru boxes of stuff we had and Iam even thnking of getting rid of her stuff (not!). Well anyway put it in boxes ,got to be that way. I have heard of some surviving spouses even repainting the walls. (no energy here) Defiantly on the hit list is old towels and sheets(excuse my spelling) One of these days Iam…

you cannot simply make someone go away that you have been with for so many years.It makes you wonder why things happend the way they do . I have flashbacks would I say horrible,horrible in the sense that Iam expecting her to come through the door and scold me for the mess I have created. I still loved her even if she made it difficult at times.

So now I feel like Iam inside a tornado thats whirling around at 300 mph. I know I shouldn,t say this but since she has been gone I have…

today I spent the whole day inside my house.When she was alive I don,t think I ever did that.I mean I could have straighten up the garage but I never did,I went on a eating binge,not every single minute.Slept most of the day.I can imagine she slept most of the time she was home,depression? I told my therapist I was going to go the gym,I went once since I promiosed him this.The worst thing of the whole week is when I have to go work at 12 minight for 2 days.In the morning I have to endure my…

Iam driven to comment on grief today. No one can imagine what sorrow and pain is going on with the loss of there loved one,a fact that I somehow fail to see. It seems as I suspected the world is over all insentative except when it comes to there own world .Which is basically true. So maby some emotions were triggered in me.So anyway I sat in my house all day today.

Your spouse dies your life screeches to a halt,I told my therapist I would have preferred to die with her .Whats the use.Anyway not happening,Iam not suicidal don,t even drink that much.Iam getting there ,I have to remind myself slow going.One cann,t change 35 yrs of life with the same person regardless of there personal life together.I think the bond together is so strong it remains with you.I think consciously the bond may get weaker but I believe will never go away.Like many of us I feel…

I keep reading grief support sites intro . I suppose that what you do join a grief support group. I didn,t realize what a screwed up life I had untile my wife died.Hows that possible I mean she would have recovered got out of the hosp and we would have been back in the same"bipolar life" Me with my compulsions. So she died umm now the grief is really setting in.Even with welbutin as a chaser.OMG! 30 minutes and my relief shows up. Iam off the next shift.Have to go for a medical procedure.…

We lived in our own little worlds. It went very fast when she went into St Davids South Austin Hospital the final time,as the wonderful doctors and nurses(don,t forgot the nurses) tore her body apart.(not literally ) You  know, heart valve repalcement,pacemaker oh gee don,t forgot shes on dialysis and won,t even have a chance of surviving. As me and her "gieving son and his wife stood around and watchd her life fade away.

Now if she survived she would have still given me a piece of…

hard to write anything without launching into the real truth. One never sees how realtionships really were. Regardless the living breathing person who has been by your side for 35 yrs dies. Dead passed away. I would launch into blame, anger (guilt) ?? umm.Ignorance ,being blind sided by emotional and pyschological problems . Living one day to the next ,unable to bring oneself to end a realtionship on…

its 457am in austin tx. I have been up since 3am .Mainly because I was up yesterday late and crashed late in the day which messed up my plans of getting my sleep cycles in order.To make matters worse I have some overtime I didn,t want but have to go to(umm nows the time to schedule all my appointments on my day off which is today)…

Iam on night shift two nights out of the week,its the two worst shifts of the week.Mainly because your whole sleeping cycle is disrupted.I end up taking meletonin.I have shots of vodka becasue I hate just laying in bed waiting to fall aleep

So did I make an appointment with the Psychotherapist Nooo! Shesss .Nor the dermatologist.I don,t know whats wrong with me(other than a upset stomach )meltonin and booze mixed together.Well I have to do over time for two hours plenty of time to…