I got Ariel's ashes scattered on her birthday, October 25th.  At first I thought it'd be just one place where that'd get done, but three others came to mind and kept coming up.  One was the spot where we'd renewed our vows on our 10-year wedding anniversary.  Another was the area in the back yard where we'd buried a lot of the pets we'd had over the years.  A third...well....that was her place.  Those all went OK.  It was sad, but at the same time I could also connect with the good memories…

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A friend had mentioned this, but I hadn't realized how true it was until today. My friend came out to visit a couple weeks ago, and commented on how most places we went I seemed to have some association with Ariel.  She said it'd probably do me some good to get away, to re-set my connections with the world around me.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  It hadn't seemed to affect me all that much before.  Today, however, I took my new camera to a park to test it out some more.  It's a…

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I noticed I haven't posted anything here in awhile, so figured I'd at least put something up...



I got a cremation jewelry necklace ordered today.  It's a titanium cylinder that'll hold a little bit of Ariel's ashes in it.  I'd been thinking I wanted to keep some of her ashes, though most will be getting scattered.  Nothing I had here seemed like it'd do the job.  A friend told me that cremation jewelry's gotten more popular, I guess as cremation's gotten more popular in the last… Continue

One of the things that'd bothered me a fair amount in the last while was hearing people say, "you're so strong!"  They seem surprised that I'm still getting up in the morning, going to work, getting my bills (eventually) paid, and so on.  The initial reaction was always wanting to scream back, 'Are you NUTS???  Do you have any idea what this all FEELS like?  How in the Hell can you think I'm strong when I'm still so hurt and confused and lost so much of the time?!!"  I certainly don't feel…

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I got some good news today at work:  I got a raise.  It's a decent amount more, and will go quite a ways to alleviate some of the stress I've had about money in the last few months since Ariel killed herself.  I still don't know if it's enough to let me hang on to the house, but at least it means I don't have to rush quite so much to get out of here.  That's good news.

 

What was strange was that when I saw it, there wasn't the upwelling of happiness or joy I'd have expected. …

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Well, I made it through my first birthday without Ariel in 15 years.  Overall it went pretty well. I started the day with something for Memorial Day I'd heard from a lady at the support group I attended last Wednesday.  I went to the store, got a helium balloon, wrote some things to Ariel on it, and let it go into the sky.  I like that symbolism a lot better than writing a letter and burning it.  It was hard in some ways and had me crying more than once.  However, it did feel like a way to…

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Last night I got to talk to the lady from the grief support group that I'd been put in contact with as a mentor.  I hadn't talked with her in several weeks, and it was good getting to catch up.  The first part of the conversation was just checking in, how I'm doing with work, with sleep, with eating, and so on.  She seemed to think I'm doing pretty well with the day-to-day stuff right now.  I'll take her word for it, as it sure diesn't feel like it to me right now.

 

Where it…

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Ariel had gotten me an electornic gift card from Amazon for $50 for Christmas, with the request that I use it for something fun. I finally got around to ordering a couple things that'd seemed fitting, a couple of books on Bagua and a plush toy from a movie we'd seen last fall and really liked.  Those came in on Saturday.  The books were good to get, and have been interesting to read through so far.  I think there'll be a lot to digest there, and it'll be good to have them help with my…

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It's been two and a half months since Ariel killed herself.  Sometimes it still feels very unreal, like it's somehow not what it should be.  It's hard to FEEL like it's real, even though I intellectually know I haven't seen her in that long and that a lot of her stuff is gone and I've got a copy of the M.E.'s report on the examination of her body and her ashes are on a shelf in my office.  It just is hard to consistently get and stay next to.  I don't know how much of that is from how much…

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After the collapse almost a week ago, I'm finding I'm now dealing with a lot of anxiety just about being able to manage the basic details of life.  I'd thought I was doing OK at that before....and look what happened. Now the fear is that I can't even manage my own life, much less finishing the mess that my wife left me by killing herself.  It's not as bad today as it was last night, which was almost crippling.  I meet with my counselor tomorrow and plan to bring it up.  I'm really hoping…

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In the last few days I've gotten to learn just how badly all this has depelted me.  ABout 10 days ago, I came down with a cold.  No surprise, given the stress of my wife's suicide.  I was semi-functional on the weekend, but then ended up home Monday and Tuesday from work.  I thought I was doing better Wednesday and managed 8 hours at work, but Thursday I was only there half the day before I had to go early.  I went to the local urgent care place, where the doc told me the coughing was likely…

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Shortly before we got together, my wife gave birth to her daughter, and then put her up for adoption.  She'd known she didn't have it in her to be a good single parent and staying with the father....wasn't an option.  Every year since, around this time, she'd gotten a card from the adoptive parents with pictures of her daughter and an update on how she was doing.  In the last few years, one of the cards said that her daughter was starting to get curious about her birth mother.  As far as I…

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It just hit me today at work that it was a month ago today that I last saw my wife Ariel, last talked to her, last gave her a hug and a kiss.  She'd said she was going to take off for a few days to sort some things out and would be back in time for going to her job on Friday.  I'd gone in to talk to her that Monday night (January 31st) to let her know that I was kind of scared of what would come of it but that I also still love her and would be here when she got back.  She seemed a little…

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I had no idea it'd be so exhausting going through some of Ariel's things.  I spent a couple hours today with my Mom going through the stuff in her office.  A lot of it was stuff that wasn't real personal to her, old work papers, some internet plans/schemes for work or making money, directions on how to market her business, etc.  Some was, though, and that was the hard stuff.  I found a card the people who'd adopted her daughter sent her about a year ago.  They'd been sending her a card every…

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This is the first day I've spent alone in the house since I got the news my wife had killed herself.  She'd been kind of pulling back and fading away for awhile, so it's not like there was a bustling presence that's now missing.  Still, the place feels empty in a pervasive, saddening way.  I go into the room where she spent most of the last year and see her stuff....but she's not there.  Getting breakfast this morning, I open the cupboard for a bowl and see her old blender and mixer.  The…

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I know it's only been a little over a week since the police came and told me my wife had killed herself. I know intellectually that it's probably pretty normal that lots of stuff is coming up, that random little things keep reminding me of her. I know that's going to be going on for quite awhile, as nearly 15 years together builds a LOT of connections and memories.

My heart, however, feels like each time I look at one of those things, especially the ones that blindside me, it's getting… Continue