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Second week

Yesterday ended the second week without my Papa. I'm supposed to go to my Mom's house to pick photos for the memorial. I can't sleep; I lay here dreading the thought of letting him go, saying goodbye again. I can't decide if I need more time or if it will be this hard no matter when I look at his pictures.

Added by susan Paull on December 20, 2009 at 3:24am — No Comments

another day

why does everyday seem like the last. Nothing new nothing to look forward to but going to bed and counting another day finally gone. I love my son and he is the only thing keeping me going since my daughters death. Still can not believe this is my life. My life has been hijacked. i know my daughter is around me i know she wants the best for us and for us to be happy. i just can not wrap my mind around not seeing her for possibly 40 years or so. I just can not accept that. i know she is happy i… Continue

Added by melissa whaley on December 19, 2009 at 9:57am — 3 Comments

Silence in the woods

I live in the redwoods and just took my dogs for a walk. There is a different kind of silence in the woods; the green quiet of mossy age. The trees have been there since before we were ever a hope. That they will be there long after I am gone puts things into a different perspective for awhile. The silence at home is full of the inside of my thoughts.

Added by susan Paull on December 18, 2009 at 1:42pm — 1 Comment

hollow ache

I spend my days with a hollow ache through the center of my body and a restlessness that shifts and paces inside me. I miss my father; I miss the gentle hum of his spirit, his wry sense of humor, his clean and clear memory of the details of my life.

It took us some time to develop that relationship. After watching each other from a distance (living in the same home) during my childhood, he stepped forward to be more active in my life when I was in my early twenties. He wrote me a poem that… Continue

Added by susan Paull on December 18, 2009 at 12:30pm — No Comments

fawnas birthday

for fawnas sweet 16 we had a balloon lift with all of her friends. We had cake and food. We wrote messages and tied them to the balloons. It helped alot to make it through because i felt i was doing something for her. That is what is going on in my profile pic i will probably make it annual. I am sure her friends will stop coming eventually but i will do it as long as i physically can.

Added by melissa whaley on December 17, 2009 at 3:26pm — No Comments

another good support group

compassionate friends has an online support chat and local chapter meeting for those who have lost children or siblings. Just took part in a nationwide candel lighting ceremony to remember the children we miss so much. I hope this info may be helpful to some one

Added by melissa whaley on December 17, 2009 at 1:05pm — No Comments

Always the tailors

I am always caught up with a nagging feeling that there is something I should be doing, someone I should be calling to see how they are holding up. My father and I were always the tailors, repairing the family garment, tying threads together. Now it is just me and what feels like loose pieces.

Added by susan Paull on December 16, 2009 at 1:02pm — No Comments

A small caged bird...

Where do I put the deep affection I have for my father? Affection is to give, to share, becomes lonely and distraught without it's intended. Once love is generated and layered upon itself over time, it is like a being of it's own, breathing with those that share it. I am lonely and distraught; I want this love, this energy to be put to good use in the world in some way. Right now, it is a small caged bird, it's wings fluttering against the bars.

Added by susan Paull on December 16, 2009 at 1:34am — 2 Comments

A sense of grace and gratitude

You know how the waves of feelings come over you during these grieving times; one came yesterday, a peaceful one. I felt a sense of gratitude and a feeling of grace that I had/have that degree and quality of relationship with my father. I don't have to wrestle with a sense of regret that there were things that didn't get said or understandings never reached. It is the hollow ache of not having him to talk to or to do art with that is so hard.

When a beloved dog of mine died a few years ago… Continue

Added by susan Paull on December 14, 2009 at 7:15pm — No Comments

I lost my Papa last week.

My father has been, for many years, the one I called when I needed someone to talk to, the one who always let me know he believed in me. I miss him so incredibly. It has made me realize that I need to make some changes in my life because I have been the soother, the mediator, the caretaker in my family and I find myself with nobody to cry with much of the time.

We are planning his memorial in a few days and that is another painful step in letting him go. I want to honor his memory, carry… Continue

Added by susan Paull on December 14, 2009 at 1:42am — 1 Comment

the Night Before my Mother Died

The Night Before my Mother passed away i had talked to her and she did not sound good t o do with her breathing and weakness so we talked and i called her back more like 15 mins to check on her, she said can you come over tommorrow and stay with me she was scared to death that there was somthing worng. yes Mom i can do that so she said Ok.. i am going to lay down and I love you she said to me. Ill never forget it thats for sure means alot to me when she said that to me.. i replyed back to her… Continue

Added by sharon on December 8, 2009 at 12:55am — No Comments

thank you all

my name us David steinbock im jackie husband. I just to thank you all shearing your pain and grief ,it has help me lot .some time i have no idear what to day to her.I know today that i can take that pain away from her. its the first time in my that i can fix it. I learn from you that i have to hold and love her. i know today that the pain for her is never go away. and we can only hope that it soften in time It's been 8 month and every once and awhile she has a good day. she not the lady that i… Continue

Added by jackie steinbock on December 3, 2009 at 7:41pm — 1 Comment

Weathering the Storm

Our pastor talked yesterday about weathering storms and how God creates these storms just for us. Only we can get through them. Other people who have been through similiar curcumstances can help, but we have to figure out with the help of God, how to stay afloat. The problem is people don't want to see my grief. They want me to say that I am doing ok. Well, I'm not! I'm angry and sad and don't understand why my Dad died so suddenly. I dread the holidays and just want to go to bed and pull the… Continue

Added by Cindy Giron on November 23, 2009 at 9:06am — 2 Comments

Stress is getting to me

School is hard. I can't get my grades up. I'm losing intrest in trying anymore. I feel that I wont graduate or get my dream job. It's so stressful I feel that theres no point trying. I have nothing to look forward to in life if I never graduate. I feel like commiting suicide so I don't have to put up with it anymore.

Added by ann speck on November 17, 2009 at 10:37pm — 1 Comment

Stress is getting to me

School is hard. I can't get my grades up. I'm losing intrest in trying anymore. I feel that I wont graduate or get my dream job. It's so stressful I feel that theres no point trying. I have nothing to look forward to in life if I never graduate. I feel like commiting suicide so I don't have to put up with it anymore.

Added by ann speck on November 17, 2009 at 10:37pm — 3 Comments

i miss her

i miss my mother. i am having flash back when the police and family told me that ahe'd had died. it seemed that i couldnt get home quick enough when i found out . i am fixing to be back on anti depressants but i just need to write out . when i get married i cried because she wasnt there, the happiest moments and sad moments she's not here. i keep having what if's going through my head all the time. she had heart disease an didnt wanted my dad to know bout it. . i miss her a great dill.… Continue

Added by jennifer daniels on November 12, 2009 at 10:00am — 2 Comments

Just feelings

Its still hard for me to sleep at night. My doctor gave me "something" to help me sleep, but I don't feel I need to take it often. I spend most nights (that I'm off) awake in front of the tv. I hate that I don't feel motivated to do things around the house. Sometimes I want to move to another house but then I think about all that I would be leaving behind, the memories of her. I often turn off all emotions and just work on auto pilot. I hate that my husband isn't here, especially when I lay… Continue

Added by Latisha on November 8, 2009 at 4:12am — No Comments

the good die young. the best choose how they go.

I was 16 when I lost the first person of great personal relevance to me - alright, it was Kurt Cobain and I was under the influence of great angst and the grunge movement - true, I had experienced the loss of my grandparents prior to Kurt's suicide, but those deaths were easier to reconcile with the natural course of life and the truth of mortality. Kurt's death was different, it was very personal to me and, combined with natural 16 year old self-involvement, directed me into a major period of… Continue

Added by jenn murphy on November 5, 2009 at 2:29pm — No Comments

a brief musing

It keeps occurring to me, in a beat me over the head and smack me in the face kind of way, the total disparity between the almost instantaneous way in which I verbally began to refer to my mother in the past tense while on the other hand my mind, my imagination, my thoughts continue to function as though my mother was still present in my day-to-day life. Of course I'm struck by this often because my mother is pretty much all I think about these days.



So, what is the deal? Is it two… Continue

Added by jenn murphy on November 5, 2009 at 2:28pm — No Comments

Grief Support: Getting Through This Holiday Season

The holidays can be a stressful time for many people. Those that have recently lost a loved one, or are marking the anniversary of the death of a loved one, may find the holiday season especially difficult. The best way to cope with holiday grief is to mentally prepare oneself for it. There is nothing you can do to prevent holiday grief from happening, and you shouldn’t aim for that. Grief is a natural and healthy part of life. But there is some advice you can heed in order to quell… Continue

Added by Valley of Life on November 4, 2009 at 4:32pm — No Comments

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