My little girls,

did I ever mention your Grandpa?

Your grandfather was my daddy,

And he loved you and I dearly.

He is watching us from the clouds now,

that's why mommy is always looking up there.

Just like your daddy,

my daddy was a super hero,

he chased all the monsters away for me.

You never need to worry about the monsters,

they are very scared of daddy.

Just like your daddy,

my daddy…

Even though this is my first christmas without my husband, it really was joyous. I decedid to give my testimony christmas eve. I had went through a divorce when i was 27 and married jeremy when i was 33. but my divorce i really got angry at God started drinking, going with different men, and putting my life in danger. when i met jeremy. i was so much in love. he died this october 2010. he was 32. it crushed me. but my faith grew. i felt Gods presence like i never felt before. i spoke at…

 it will soon be 3 yrs since my daughter was killed and my entire life has turned to pure haterid.

i think that i will never die for fear of what i have to say to god himself IF he ever has the raw nerve to show his face to me.  no one could have done what has become of me. death wil not come for me even though i beg. i want to die, but in a way that gets me into heaven. if there is a heaven/god any of it! i have earned serious doubts.

my daughters death killed me. my wife says…

So here we go...I thought joining this site would help me process some of the feelings I have about losing my father and my brother. On Labor Day in 2004 my little brother was tragically taken from our family. My parents owned their own business and were working at the Nebraska State Fair. It was the last day of the fair and my husband, brother Guy, and I went to another festival with our business for the Labor Day Holiday. I can re-live that day over and over again with very specific…

pRIVATE

Our lives go on without you

But nothing is the same,

We have to hide our heartaches

When someone speaks your name.

Sad are the hearts that love you

Silent the tears that fall,

Living our hearts without you

Is the hardest part of all.

You did so many things for us

Your heart was kind and true,

And when we needed someone

We could always count on you.

The special years will not return

When we…

My grief is still very new (my husband passed away on December 3rd of this year).  Writing and networking with others has really helped.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and to having to circle W in the marital status field was traumatizing.  I know that is just one of many challenges I will face over the next year. This morning as I was trying to wrap my 3 grandson's Christmas gifts (that thank God I purchased in November-I can't do the stores right now) my tears were falling on the…

WHEW! The other days blog was pretty intense. Not sorry I wrote it though. I am so glad I had this site to get that out of me. When it gets that bad it's so much better to say it and get it out rather than keeping inside and making myself sick over it. I truly don't like feeling that way but sometimes I have no choice. It is a roller coaster ride and not a fun one. Those times are going to come and go and I know that all to well, but being allowed to write it out gives me the tool I need to…

Only those that have experienced this can truly understand and even then it seems we all grieve differently.  I was definitely surprised with my reactions and my feelings.  Nothing in this life ever prepared me for this or has been this devastating.



I have written a lot since his death, but could not share it.  My raving and crying out as to why would be to someone else very confusing.  My writings to him were private at the time.  I collected so many poems on saying…

Christmas is just a week away and I am missing my boys more than I can say. I idd'nt get invited to any parties and no christmas bonus. No body calls , no cards were sent to me and no greetings from anyone.I understand I guess. Why would they want me around anyway. Sounds like I''m feeling sorry for myself. I guess I am. My mother yelled at me last night when I called her. She said nobody wants to be around me for fear of recking their holiday. Not too many people are allowed to see me cry.…

My husband passed away on December 3, 2010 while waiting for a heart transplant.  He had undergone 3 major surgeries in the past two years.  I was in a state of shock for the first week and now every day seems to be getting worse.  Yesterday I picked up his ashes.  Today I donated all of his clothing after family members took some of his nicer things.  My hands are shaking as I'm trying  to type.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I know I have to go through this in order to heal (I equate this…

Today I went shopping for the holiday and I came across some people I used to work with. They asked me how I was and before I could answer they answered for me. Why do people do that? So they think i'm going to bust out crying? Do they think that that's all I talk about?Don't they know that my life is defined by more than just my sorrow? I guess I dont understand. I have lots of times that I talk about other things. No one wants to just be my friend. Are they afraid that I will fall apart in…

The christmas before my oldest son Ben went to serve in Iraq we went to the christmas eve candlelite service. I stopped going to church after my son Del died. My daughters sat behind me. It was beautiful with all the candles and the lites. I put hairspray on that night before church. Something I dont normally do. Anyway I was pretty sad sitting there listening to the music and then we stood and sang silent night. Suddenly I smelled something burning I turned around and it was my daughter she…

I made it through another big BANG. I wasnt sure if I would make it this time. This time. It seems like i've been saying this time forever. It feels like I just get back on my feet and then BANG it hits again no big warning just a big BANG. How much longer can I survive the big BAngI'm not going to wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. So I have to accept it. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain and worst of all I'm sure my sons wouldnt want me to suffer this much. I am doing…

on the dec. 14, 2010 will be 7 months since my mom died and im sad. tomorrow also is the birthday of the man who killed my mom and himself. I honestly dont knowhow to feel about it... im so tired of all the sadness and the depression im so tired of feeling angry.im sadbecause ever since my mom died my world has been turned upside down. my mother was the glue in our familyshe was the one who rememberedb-days the one who did all the holiday cooking with me helping her, she wasthe one who kept…

I will admit that the holidays make me really sad. I never had that big of a family to begin with and ever since my mother left my family seemed to get smaller and smaller.

I did manage to get through anothe semester with half my insanity.

My college…