So  its been 6 weeks and 1 day since my world fell apart , my partner of 20 years just died , I sat and held his hand as he slipped away from me , he was 42 years old , as I'm sitting here writing this im looking at our 9 year old daughter whos face reminds me so much of her dad , I have to smile for her I have to be strong , but I know once shes a sleep I will allow my tears to fall , like they have every night since , well not really for the first week as I realise I went into shock and…

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my counsellers told me to write letters to the people that hurt me and my son, today one called, she was not here for me when shawn went away, she was like a sister to me an aunt to my son. im s haking so bad im so mad. to say she never knew, I know was a lie. to hear her voice I wanted to slap her face. I told her in the letter not to call me, I just had to let things out in my letter. I can hear shawn saying mom stay away from her, don't let her hurt you again. I have not been this mad in…

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I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

My name is Alexis Zarycki and I want to share with you all some news. In February of 2015 I lost my mother at the age of 21 years old to a three year battle of stomach cancer.

My mother was well-liked within our community, among both family and friends. She was only 51 years old when she…

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It feels as though depression is starting to make it's way in. The last 2+ weeks I feel my physical body taking some toll from this hell. I'm so lethargic, excessively tired all the time, so little motivation, a drastically reduced ability to handle every day life. Isolation has gone up a notch to almost completely of anyone "normal". Time is still frozen, a stopped standstill. The constant stretching I've felt from the beginning as life mercilessly continues on has turned to a slow…

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The amount of things I'm grieving feel numerous:

I'm grieving the loss of the physical presence and connection of someone who was my entire world and in every moment of my day. I have had 4 main experiences I cannot logic away and given that indeed was his spirit presence, he is still with me. But of course I would much rather just have him physically here like it was before.

I'm grieving the loss being completely sudden and shocking. How can you explain loss…

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everyday I ask god the same questions over and over.  when will my tears stop? when will I smile again? when will the pain go away? when will my heart stop hurting so bad?  when will you let me hold my son again, see his smile, hear his beautiful voice?  and over and over again I get  NO  answer,  why are we left to suffer so bad, when he knows im ready to go to. does my son hear me crying everyday? does he know im dieing without him? I cant remember not being in pain any more, it just hurts…

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I find myself running to the phone when it rings, hoping its shawn, telling me hes coming home,  he loves me.  when I pick it up most of the time they don't talk, just breathe.  I wish with all my heart it was my son.  why do people do this, every dam day we get it.  I miss him so much,   I feel so dead inside. without shawn theres nothing to live for, nor do I want to any more.

When I get to the gates



You know I left you

But don't forget that

I am inside heavens gates

I know you all will miss me

But don't be sad

For I am finally home

With my forever family

I will see you all again someday

Just know I will be

On the other side of heavens gates with the other Angels.

As you watch the sunrise and sunset.

Remember me sitting on the porch swing.

Think of me as you go about your day.

When you see… Continue

95 days now far too many have passed.Soon it will be the big guys birthday and you won't be here for it ether .Mom, how will I get through life without you right next to me.I miss you I miss you oh if I could bring you back I would.

The blue jays are doing good. I brought your bread pan up and look forward to at least using it one time before retiring it! I think I will wait thou until fall to do that.I will go and buy a nice bottle of wine break out your old recipe books and…

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It's the first week of August and I'm already worried about how to get my babies... and myself through the holidays. What will Santa's response be when my daughters only wish is that her daddy never died?

today is 21 months, there are times when it feels like 10 years ago but most of the time its like yesterday. today is worse , as im sitting here crying my eyes out again, im begging shawn, god and my mom to not let me forget my sons voice, oh god im so afraid ill forget it. I beg god to take me now, please please help me, shawn take me home, take away my pain please. I miss you so bad and love you so very much. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want my baby, I want to die. god help me  …

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