Yesterday I got woke up to being told someone very close to me had passed..my family didn't even botherto call and tell me I had to hear it from a friend..then my sister called to say she's coming for the funeral and to cuss me out.. I literally busted out in tears all I could think another family member gone way to soon..I realize my family and I have not gotten along since the deaths of my parents yet why be so cruel and evil?? I feel alone and can't help but wonderif he felt alone when…

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I'm so nervous about going tonight... I dont want to see him this way... but I want to see him if it makes sense.  I pray that I have the strenth to make it through tonight and the funeral on Saturday.  I am mad at God for making me go through this... I don't know what I did to deserve such suffering...

So I really can't stand it when people keep telling me you will be OK. How do they know I'll be OK? 

They aren't with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They dont see me cry, or how many times I cry. They don't see the little things that may mean so little to someone how much they mean to me, such as cooking in a pan my mom used when I was growing up, or the thought of going to church and her not being thee, or the ten times she would call me in a matter of four hours and her not…

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how can I go on, how can I live without you? my beautiful son, the love of my life. I need you so much, I don't want to live with this unbearable pain any more, I cant go on without you in my life.  I pray every night you will come to me, and you don't. I pray to die and im still here. no one hears me , no one sees my pain. my empty heart.i keep asking you to come home, come back to me please shawn. without you I have nothing, I feel nothing. god please take me to my son, my baby. please…

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Joshie, my beautiful son I love you so much. I don't have to tell you because you already know. You and your brother are my whole world. I never ever thought you would leave me. Baby why did you turn to alcohol? I don't understand. Didn't you see what it was doing to your body? I don't think you knew you were killing yourself. You would never want to kill yourself. Your life was really good, a good job, friends, a wife you adored, your brother that loves you to pieces, me and dad that loves you… Continue

every day it hurts more to breathe, my back is so bad, but the pain in my heart is worse. I could not go see shawn yesterday and felt so bad, I cryed so much. cant sleep any more, im lucky to get a hour. I feel empty, tired and lost. my prayers are not answered  to be with my son. I keep telling my self he will come home, back to me. if I think any different  ill go crazy. why is my baby not coming to my dreams,? why does he not take me to? god I need shawn, without him I have nothing, to…

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every day it seems to get harder to go on. shawn would have hated this cold and snowy winter.every night I still ask why, why my son? why not me? and why is he leaving me here to suffer so much. life is not worth going on, and I really don't want to any more.  I want so much to hold my son, kiss his face . I have never bee so tired, never felt pain and emptiness like this before.  at night I can smell him, but still no dreams, no answers. I just want to die, im not afraid, im ready. shawn…

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http://www.orlandosentinel.com/os-lk-grief-counselor-diana-young-20150131-story.html

Just wanted to say to everyone, please don't feel nervous or uncomfortable talking to me after reading my blog if you are not religous or or religions clash views. I will only talk about you, your feelings and what you are going through. I promise I'm not going to be "preachy" or anything like that, I'll just ne a good friend e=with an open ear and open heart. Love to everyone and hope everyone is making it through the day alright. :)

 

If it was off putting to anyone I do…

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I would like to say to everyone first that I am not here to change your mind or try and brainwash you or something to that effect. So, if you can have an open mind for just a few minutes and keep reading, I promise at the end it will be your choice to believe or not to believe.

Please bear with me if I stumble or am repetative, I don't mean to and it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm saying, it's just that I don't know how to say some of the things I want. My husband was the preacher…

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the snow is over my knees here , but nothing will stop me from seeing my son each and everyday, I clean the stone off, and cry whats left  of my heart out. I want so much to scream, why are you not coming to my dreams, why? I break down so much, I cant remember being happy any more, just emptiness, I feel nothing but pain. why wont he answer me, to take me to him,  im so tired I want to go, I want to hold my baby, to laugh to smile with my shawn. how much longer will he make me suffer?  why…

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I wasn’t going to post this, but then someone I love sort of convinced me.

So here it goes.

Today I woke up at 5:20am.

Today, my mother left her physical body here on Earth at 5:20am.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. That we as humans are spiritual beings, made up of energy. That we never truly die. Frankly, I believe there is no such thing as dying, because our souls live on in many ways.

I have always noticed that death is an…

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Ever since my boyfriend died, I've been seeing him. It makes it so much harder to move on. I've had things move in my house, I've smelled his colone. I could swear I hear him call for me and feel him around me. I see him sometimes too. Is he trying to tell me something, is he stuck?.

today my sister came by to drop off some cake, to celebrate shes cancer free, I could not say anything because I just stopped careing. I wish it was me, I wish I was dieing, that would make me happy, knowing I would see my shawn again. I could hold him so tight. I would hear  MOM again, the most beautiful word in the world , its so hard to breath, to sleep to go on. my tears still fall all the time, to feel so alone and to feel no one cares anymore.its just not worth going through life…

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