All Blog Posts Tagged 'death' - Online Grief Support - A Social Community2024-03-28T09:47:21Zhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profiles/blog/feed?tag=death&xn_auth=noAssumptionstag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2024-03-13:2054931:BlogPost:4492422024-03-13T21:29:33.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p><span>An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true. Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions. This is where I find myself today...</span></p>
<p><span><br></br>Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident,…</span></p>
<p><span>An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true. Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions. This is where I find myself today...</span></p>
<p><span><br/>Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking through the (supposed) steps of adjustment to a life-changing loss, was a flawed assumption. In my youth and inexperience, I made the mistake of believing that the world would be filled with Jennifer's, that I would come across (many) people that would be like her, that the depth of the relationships would both be equally as strong as plentiful. Sure, no person, no relationship, can exactly be replicated, but that there would be people in my life that would hold the same level of connectivity, of richness in character and spirit. Decades later, I am finally coming to the realization that this was (is) a completely wrong assumption. I had held out hope, I have searched, but am left with an emptiness still. Sure, I have my wife in my life, and she is sweet, caring, understanding, even tolerant to a degree that I surely do not deserve. We have built a life together that feels like it has no bounds. My kids are fabulous and being a father in general is one of the few things that I feel that I am actually good at and enjoy. I have a couple of friends that are both tenured and care about me deeply. All of these people are important connections that mean everything to me. But, even with decades of interaction within these circles, something is different...missing.</span></p>
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<p><span>It pains me as much to admit it as it does to experience it. Why have I held back (again, assuming...assuming that this is the most significant cause of the situation)? Or is there something intangible that is missing from each of these relationships? What is this elusive 'something' and why have I not be able to find or replicate it? Is this truly the key ingredient? How did I get so lucky to experience it with Jen?</span></p>
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<p><span>At first, I think, maybe it was that I am trying to shield myself from experiencing this level of loss again. As if it never is recreated then it can never be taken away again. But the flip side of this explanation almost contradicts this notion, as I have yearned for this level of connectivity so profoundly, and frequently, that I struggle to hold this out as <em>the</em> answer. But what else keeps us from developing deep, unfiltered, and substantial connections?</span></p>
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<p><span>I am at a loss...keep searching for the magic (and elusive) components to recapture a similar connection level? Can it be developed with existing relationships or will it necessitate a new one? Or just chock it up to the idea that you are lucky to have experienced it once and a second pass is unlikely (if even allowed)?</span></p>
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<p><span>At least it is a familiar place to be (lost), but it is uncomfortable nonetheless. So many questions, but I need answers.</span></p>Triggers Continue to Surfacetag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2024-02-15:2054931:BlogPost:4491332024-02-15T21:30:00.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p>Late February is a challenging time of year for me. Jen’s birthday is the 23<sup>rd</sup> and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly. This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.</p>
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<p>That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential…</p>
<p>Late February is a challenging time of year for me. Jen’s birthday is the 23<sup>rd</sup> and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly. This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.</p>
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<p>That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have been to paper early last year. It was like writing down a scenario gave it tangibility. Instead of the endless possibilities of what could of happened had the accident not occurred, reality was suddenly confined to a much more manageable, single version of what was lost. Still hurt, but not nearly as overwhelming. The feeling became ‘this was what was lost’ instead of infinity.</p>
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<p>So, like I said, things had settled down. Then I had a dream in October where Jennifer appeared, and we kissed (…twice). This was unsettling. Past dreams, even memories, never went down a physical intimacy path (thankfully…for my own sanity). Not sure what triggered it, just as in past appearances, there did not seem to be a rhyme or reason to the dream, or for Jennifer’s presence occurring. The shift from prior dreams and their notion of a message that needed to be transferred between us, well, the shift messed with my head. I struggled for a couple weeks later, going to bed and actively asking her (in my mind) to reappear and visit.</p>
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<p>In November she did make another appearance, however it was a very different vibe and story. The dream opens with Jennifer and I attending a very large church’s Sunday service. It looked and felt like it was Christian based, but I could not put my finger on the specific denomination. I remember the overall feeling while at the service was hostile though, as if we were not welcomed and shortly into the service we were asked to leave (for reasons that we did not exactly understand either). Oddly, there was a McDonald’s next to the service…Not just next to, but actually attached!?! It was a large space and was rundown and unkempt, with dirty and disheveled bathrooms. We soon leave the McDonald’s and waiting for us outside was a helicopter that took us flying around the Dallas-Ft Worth metro, kind of sightseeing. We flew over some land that used to be a go-kart track and I was telling her all about it and how the company that I am currently working for had recently bought the land and was clearing everything away for some new building project. After that, the dream (and memory) gets fuzzy. I cannot remember what happened next or why. I have an underlying sense that it was kind of important, nothing physical, but important nonetheless.</p>
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<p>Left with that dumpster-fire of weirdness, I continue, still hoping that Jen reappears in a dream to help complete or finish the story…or add some clue as to what it all means. My mood has been on the darker side since the November dream. Late February approaches. I start feeling like I am finally coming out of my funk. Getting to the point of being angry at myself for perpetuating the pity party.</p>
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<p>Then the Netflix series, ‘One Day’ hits me square across the face. Actually, kind of snuck up on me. It shows up on the ‘New’ and ‘Recommended’ sections of the Netflix home screen. Seems like the kind of show that I would normally gravitate towards…British…A guy and gal that meet in high school, and through a series of imperfect decisions and imperfect timing never quite get together romantically, but stay in each other’s lives as really good friends. I torment myself with this type of story line repeatedly, I guess as a proxy for wanting a view of what could have been. Looking for my own story on the screen without writing it myself? I watch the first couple of episodes…meh. It just came across really slow. A few days later my wife recommends that I watch it. Seemed like a strange source for the recommendation, but okay. I even asked her why she suggested it. She says it just seems like the type of show that you gravitate to. So I continue onward with the series. {<em>Spoiler Alert-If you are wanting to watch it yourself with fresh eyes, go ahead and then come back.</em>} Each episode is what is happening on one particular day…July 15, each year. I am 13 episodes in…close to the end…by this point you are emotionally invested in these characters. 13 episodes…and nearing the close of this one and the leading female character is killed in a car accident. I didn’t see it coming. Honestly, the thought only crossed my mind as a potential occurrence a mere 30 seconds before it unfolds. Something about the background soundtrack…the cinematography…the focus so singularly concentrating on her riding a bike in the street. Then BAM! I paused the show as it is happening, screaming out, “What the fuck were you thinking?” to no one in the room, or maybe at the world as a whole. I wasn’t even 100% sure that she would die from the accident, I just had to get away from the TV, the show, my mind…</p>
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<p>Several days later, another friend even recommends the show to me, but included the warning that it may be triggering (ya think?). Needless to say, triggers can sneak up on you and completely derail what seems like progress…or even just steady state. Now I am spiraling (downward, of course) again. Backtracking to those thoughts of what if the accident had not occurred, or if we had never met, and even adding to the mix with what if I could get amnesia and forget this torment? (Am I seriously asking for amnesia?) You hear the platitudes and the empty advice that time heals (or at least helps). That you will get over it. I just don’t know…Some scars just do not heal. And I am so tired…</p>
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<p>But hey, emotional progress can only (mostly) be up from this point, right? Right???</p>Strugglingtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2023-03-19:2054931:BlogPost:4438152023-03-19T16:57:47.000ZEsshttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/Ess
<p> This is my first post....i just was accepted here...and there are tears in my eyes as i write this. Im struggling and just gonna ramble here...as writing is cathartic to me. March is NOT a good month, March n September. Lost mother, father n only sibling in March.....and they were all born within of each other in September....all Virgos. I often wonder why i am still here...</p>
<p>Then i think about it.....i have one daughter and we lost her dad, my hubs of 42 yrs in 2017...she was…</p>
<p> This is my first post....i just was accepted here...and there are tears in my eyes as i write this. Im struggling and just gonna ramble here...as writing is cathartic to me. March is NOT a good month, March n September. Lost mother, father n only sibling in March.....and they were all born within of each other in September....all Virgos. I often wonder why i am still here...</p>
<p>Then i think about it.....i have one daughter and we lost her dad, my hubs of 42 yrs in 2017...she was 25 then.....so she is too young to have lost both parents. I am here for her. Yet, i dont want her hanging around for her grieving mom.....so she has moved 2 hrs away to begin her life. All good. So i am trying to adjust to being n living alone. Having to lock the door...when i come home as no one is coming in after me. Noone to report to to say " Im home " after taking a long drive/trip. I have friends , but Covid has dampered the times with them. I go to work daily as a clinician in a K thru12 school district....that is mostly my contact with people. Work has been my salvation thru all these losses.</p>
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<p>In addition to my family of origin and spouse, ive also lost 3 very close friends...the last being 2021. </p>
<p>Its just been a lot....and today, im struggling. It took me to get to late 60's to become famiilar with alcohol. Sometimes i still smell my husbands cologne...no matter how often i clean. When i retire , im moving from the area as even a drive by CVS....the drug store he frequented brings tears.</p>
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<p>Thanks for allowing me this access to the group and to blog ~</p>
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<p></p>Down the Rabbit Hole…tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2023-02-08:2054931:BlogPost:4422142023-02-08T00:00:00.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p><em>Several years ago therapists #1 and #3 each suggested a writing assignment. Journal what life would look and feel like had Jen’s accident not happened. At first the suggestion sounded intriguing, I love writing and find it therapeutic. After some reflection though, I declined. There were too many iterations (especially considering the infinite universe theory) and what makes me think that the rosy-colored, cherry-picked version that I focus on would have ever happened? So many ways…</em></p>
<p><em>Several years ago therapists #1 and #3 each suggested a writing assignment. Journal what life would look and feel like had Jen’s accident not happened. At first the suggestion sounded intriguing, I love writing and find it therapeutic. After some reflection though, I declined. There were too many iterations (especially considering the infinite universe theory) and what makes me think that the rosy-colored, cherry-picked version that I focus on would have ever happened? So many ways that this exercise could go wrong…and perhaps I was embarrassed by my glittery version of reality desired. Embarrassed that it wouldn’t happen? That I could think that it could ever happen? Without her input? That others would laugh at the impossibility? Not sure…perhaps, but let’s face facts, that the accident occurred is my reality and no amount of wishing or dreaming could bring forth the reality that I would envision. It is a fool’s game, so why waste the time?</em></p>
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<p><em>The problem is that I have been axle-wrapped on this notion of what could have been, the potential ripped away, and having no say nor closure in the outcome. I have spent five years agonizing for this peek into what could have been. Deliberately, willfully, shoving it down so that the fantasy would not come to the surface, to be something missed or longed for. It has not worked…and when something doesn’t work, it can be the universe calling out for you to go a different direction, even the exact opposite direction. So that is what I am exploring currently. For the last two weeks I have been going to bed and trying to calm my mind and focus on the synthetization of this story. Crafting the story of what could have been. It is already lost to fate, so why not have something more tangible to lose? Maybe I can ‘put it away’, grieve over the specific loss, and move forward towards healing, because today it is just an open wound that I continuously pick at. Either way, I must get this out of my head and since the story is developing, the best way I know how to get it out of my head and move on is to write it down.</em></p>
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<p>Starting at a point about 10 seconds after the accident occurs, I rewind the hands of time about 30 seconds. Insert something to change the trajectory of what happens…an extra car that causes Jen to delay turning for just a couple more seconds, or the removal of a car that allows the turn to happen just quick enough to avoid whatever caused her car to go out of control down that gravel road. <em>The truly surprising thing for me is that I can actually see this clip! I have a condition called aphantasia and lack the ability to create mental imagery. Well, obviously not 100%, but in general. If you are asked to close your eyes and picture an apple and can ‘see’ the apple, congratulations, you are normal. I cannot see said apple. I can tell you a lot of things about an apple from memory, could even describe one from memory, but cannot <strong>see</strong> it. So, the fact that I can see her car, rewind the scene, and get through the event without the accident is, for me, shocking in and of itself.</em> It is not long lasted. The vision dissipates and I am left with creating a narrative of what happens next.</p>
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<p>She arrives at school. Unharmed, unaware of what was avoided. Life moves on.</p>
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<p>I had not been especially happy at my university, people that I had expected to take the journey with me at this university opted for different paths at the last moment, leaving me on my own. As a result, I decide to change schools and head over to the other state university. Jen and I continue our conversations and the connection continues…strengthens. We are talking on the phone constantly and even meet up when I come home from school. As a couple years pass by, Jennifer is about to graduate from high school. It is few months after her 18<sup>th</sup> birthday and we decide now is the time to go skydiving, just the two of us. We have been talking about doing this for a couple years, both really fascinated by the thrill, the thumbing our nose at death. We have talked about it with several friends that have expressed an interest in coming with themselves, but in the end, schedules, and probably fears, get in the way. We decide that we need to go if we are ever going to do it. We can let others know how it went afterwards and go again with them.</p>
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<p>We are only about 5,000 ft up (only!), but everything on the ground looks so small. I go first…swinging my legs out the door and feet onto the step above the wheel. Little did I know that I had already passed the point of no return. I follow the instructions that were given on the ground. Grab the wing strut with one hand, put my weight on the step, grab the wing strut with the other hand. Using my hands to shimmy out on the wing strut, into the furthest corner. Who figured out that this was a good idea? I am hanging on for dear life. Do I really want to do this? The jumpmaster says go…”GO!” Shit! I don’t know if I want to let go. I am getting too tired. Finally, I comply and then “Oh noooooooo…” Feels like falling. Not fun in the moment, but a very quick moment as the tether line deploys the chute. A hard jerk, and then quiet. Such peaceful quiet. You do not achieve this level of quiet on the ground…anywhere. I look up to check on my canopy…all good. In the distance I see the next chute open. That should be Jen. We get on the ground and are as giddy as kids in a candy store on ‘free day’. The excitement, the rush! We have permanent smiles on our faces and are comparing notes the entire drive home. We just defied death (in all fairness, it was a high likelihood, but still) and we were connected more than ever. Jen decides now is the perfect time to drop another bomb…She has chosen to go to the same university as me, majoring in political science.</p>
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<p>Finally! We are going to be in the same town, can see each other more frequently, hang out more. She knows deep down that I am in love with her, but it is not enough. Perhaps it is too easy, too accessible, or I just don’t excite her ‘lady parts’, I don’t know. She has mentioned that she is just terrified to lose the connection that we have. The degree to which we know each other is too deep to risk a romantic entanglement. She mentions that it is bad enough to have to go through heartbreak when ending a relationship, imagine not being able to go to someone that you have always leaned on in addition to the heartache. Fucknuts!</p>
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<p>I show her around the campus and around town, introduce her to people that I know. Whenever she is bored or needs a distraction from classes she pops by and we go on an exploration mission to see what hidden gem we can discover. We have a few mutual friends, but by and large when we are together it is just the two of us. Our conversations are too honest to allow others in to judge. Two years of school go by. Jen has had a few boyfriends during this time, three that I would classify as serious-ish, but each ultimately fizzles, and I am there to listen and help pick up the pieces…fabulous. I have a couple girlfriends during the same time period. While never quite approaching the status of super serious, Jen is there for me when those end. The start of the second semester begins, it is her junior year (my, finally, senior year…as I am not quite as serious in school). She is now 21, so we can legally go out drinking. Let’s be honest, I, and other boyfriends, have already introduced her to drinking, but we can now go to the bars together. We are in good spirits and end up tying one on in rare fashion. While I love getting sloppy, Jen is usually more restrained…but not tonight. She is going full steam ahead for no particular reason other than being caught up in the moment. We are both going to be paying a price in the morning!</p>
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<p>We head back to my apartment. Not a really big deal…we would occasionally crash at each other’s place, typically as the night would get away from us talking. Always innocent. This evening, it just happened that my apartment was closer to the last bar we were at, it was convenient. Again, no expectations, and nothing anyone that knew us would have raised an eyebrow to. Neither of us was particularly tired so our conversations just continued as we got to my place. We weren’t talking about anything particularly memorable or salacious, just friends or classes or whatever. About an hour after arriving home, Jen gets a little quiet. I am not sure if she is getting tired, if the conversation thread had just run its course, or if her mind was onto other things. Then she looks at me and says, <font color="#2B00FE">“Screw it!”</font></p>
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<p>The evening’s conversations were generally upbeat. There was not a sense of desperation or depression or sadness, she is a happy drunk. <font color="#990000">“Okay…”</font> Not sure where she is going, but I stall for an entry point into the new thought path she is going down.</p>
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<p><font color="#2B00FE">“Let’s ruin the friendship.”</font> She begins to approach me closer, leaning in for a kiss. Just this shocking left turn…</p>
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<p>Wait. Woah. What?</p>
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<p>I push her away. <font color="#990000">“No.”</font> Is the only thing that stumbles out of my mouth. <font color="#990000">“Not like this.”</font> <em>What the hell am I thinking?</em> She looks confused. Not hurt, just confused. <font color="#990000">“Jen…you know that this is something that I have wanted, well, forever. But not like this…I don’t want it to just be a passing decision, inhibitions squashed by alcohol. I want you to be fully sober and actively choosing to be together. I want you to fight through those inhibitions fully…deliberately! Not just a scene where one night we stumbled into it, it was too embarrassing to reverse, and then years later wondering what the hell were we thinking.”</font></p>
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<p><font color="#2B00FE">“Oh…”</font> I can tell the booze is having maximum impact right about now. She is rarely without words. <font color="#2B00FE">“In that case, I am going to sleep.”</font> She floats by me, heads to my bedroom and flops onto the bed. Not sure if she even waited for her head to hit the pillow before passing out.</p>
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<p>WTF? What am I supposed to do with this? It is everything that I have been desiring, but not really the ‘how’ that I was expecting. Now what? I am shell-shocked. Did I just shut down my only chance? Will she even remember it in the morning? What the hell was I thinking??? But she does have a point…it is time to go to sleep. I head into the bedroom. She is unconscious already. I slip her shoes off, put a blanket on her, and crawl into the other side of bed. It takes me mere seconds to join her in dreamland.</p>
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<p><em>The shock returns, as I can ‘see’ this morning scene in my mind’s eye.</em> I awake to the sunlight pouring through the window with such richness that it almost has sound. The beams of light exploding on the yellow sheets of the bed. Flecks of random dust floating in the air. The bumps of my feet at the bottom under the covers. The mound of my blanket gently pulsing in a rhythmic breathing motion beside me. Wait. Woah. What?</p>
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<p>Shit! Last night!</p>
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<p>Before I can even think through the mountain of permutations that could be coming, Jen rolls over and sees my eyes open. <font color="#2B00FE">“Hi…Umm, I still want to ruin the friendship.”</font></p>
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<p><font color="#990000">“Why?”</font></p>
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<p><font color="#2B00FE">“Seriously? That is quite romantic!” </font>as she playfully hits me.</p>
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<p><font color="#990000">“Sorry! Rewind 10 seconds…Me too. I would much rather have you be my morning than my midnight.”</font></p>
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<p>She smiles. Insert steam…but it has never been about that. <em>The specifics of the vision fades. The further out that I reach the harder it is to see.</em></p>
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<p>We graduate. Get married. Have three kids, Megan, Sara, and Jonathan. She runs for Congress and wins. We move to DC…Ugggh! I cannot see far enough ahead to know if she makes it into the White House. But it is all good. I have her beside me and that makes me smile. It is all that matters in that world.</p>
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<p><em>It is one glimpse of what could have been, yet I am in the reality that I know. Not bad (I mean, well, besides the accident occurring), just different and the glimpse above is under the assumption that I never have the opportunity to meet my wife...the factors enabling that initial meeting would not have been present. Is it enough to quell my need for a story?</em></p>Looking for virtual grieving meeting?tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2023-01-05:2054931:BlogPost:4417322023-01-05T22:44:50.000ZPaula Romanohttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PaulaRomano
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<p>Having a rough time. Lost my Mom late June. Looking for a virtual grieving group meeting?</p>
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<p>Any suggestions?</p>
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<p>Thanks,</p>
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<p>Paula</p>
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<p>Having a rough time. Lost my Mom late June. Looking for a virtual grieving group meeting?</p>
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<p>Any suggestions?</p>
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<p>Thanks,</p>
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<p>Paula</p>New Year Yet Old Memories and Dreams Continuetag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2023-01-04:2054931:BlogPost:4415482023-01-04T17:12:42.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p>I (intellectually) know that grief cycles, ups and downs, yet I still let myself fall into the thinking that I was somehow getting 'better'. Memories and thoughts were decreasing in their intensity and frequency. Even had a couple days in December without thoughts of Jen popping into my mind. The emotions that followed were not so gut wrenching. Dreams were absent of her (sometimes even despite requesting she appear).</p>
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<p>Then the turn of the year and a completely new dream…</p>
<p>I (intellectually) know that grief cycles, ups and downs, yet I still let myself fall into the thinking that I was somehow getting 'better'. Memories and thoughts were decreasing in their intensity and frequency. Even had a couple days in December without thoughts of Jen popping into my mind. The emotions that followed were not so gut wrenching. Dreams were absent of her (sometimes even despite requesting she appear).</p>
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<p>Then the turn of the year and a completely new dream pops onto the scene. I am young (late teens, early twenties) driving a friend to their home. Not sure who the friend was, the house that I was dropping him off at was not one I remember, but somehow still very familiar. On a corner, circle drive connecting the two intersecting roads diagonally with a portico that you can drive under. The house and drive raised up from the normal ground level about four feet. Somehow, despite being young, I am driving my son's car (<em>it is very loud and distinct</em>). We are driving down the main road, I turn the corner to begin entering the drive and I notice at the house across the street, Jen and her family are standing around, like someone just arrived and greetings are occurring. As I enter the drive and begin up the hill to the portico, I rev the engine to try to draw their attention and then proceed up the hill to the entrance. Then, of course, the alarm goes off!?!?</p>
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<p>But my real WTF moment is why was I trying to get their attention by revving the engine? Why did I just revert to bullsh!t, teenage antics to try to draw her to come across the street to come see me? Why the hell didn't I just jump out of the car and run over to hug her??? Most days that is all I long for! Who cares if the car was moving, or even that I was driving? I know better than to resort to those stupid game tactics...just go get the hug! That is all I ask for anymore in my dreams...</p>
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<p>I know in my mind that she is gone, that future cannot happen. I have mentioned it in the past. It is still true. But in my heart, I still find myself obsessed with seeing a picture of what life would/could have been. I have gotten to the point to wanting this vision, not to live it (I truly love and enjoy my family), but just to see it, which is an improvement over the past feelings. Why am I still so fascinated by what could have been? It can't happen. Yet still axle-wrapped.</p>
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<p>Additionally, does this 'regression' mean I am descending into yet another valley? So tired. I want the sadness to cease, but not to forget just to get past it. How do you let go and be okay?</p>What’s nexttag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-10-18:2054931:BlogPost:4387312022-10-18T01:02:17.000ZDeborah http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/Deborah227
I’m living alone now. It’s been 4 years since I lost my husband. I feel like I have moved on, and yet not. I’m still married, at least I feel like I am. How does one truly let go and move on? Is it possible? Is it necessary? Can I live in the shadow of a great love?
I’m living alone now. It’s been 4 years since I lost my husband. I feel like I have moved on, and yet not. I’m still married, at least I feel like I am. How does one truly let go and move on? Is it possible? Is it necessary? Can I live in the shadow of a great love?Then I Remember...tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-10-13:2054931:BlogPost:4386192022-10-13T21:28:55.000ZEllenhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/Ellen386
<p>I keep thinking I need to call and check on my mom. I called her every day for so many years, at least once a day. Visited with her, did her shopping, or took her shopping or to a doctor's appointment almost every week and I just keep thinking I need to check on her. Then I remember....</p>
<p>I keep thinking I need to call and check on my mom. I called her every day for so many years, at least once a day. Visited with her, did her shopping, or took her shopping or to a doctor's appointment almost every week and I just keep thinking I need to check on her. Then I remember....</p>A Gr-r-r-eat Post ;)tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-27:2054931:BlogPost:4378192022-08-27T05:30:00.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>In 2018, (one week before Easter), Jeremy took me to a small town outside of Austin called, Brady, Texas. The reason for this trip? Seeing Mamma Beth (daddy's sister; my aunt) for the first time in 34 years. She'd asked me to help her heal a weird infection below her belt, and under her belly where she couldn't reach to take care of it herself.</p>
<p>The moment we saw each other, I went into her arms, and she held me for 5 minutes before Jeremy and I even walked through the apartment door.…</p>
<p>In 2018, (one week before Easter), Jeremy took me to a small town outside of Austin called, Brady, Texas. The reason for this trip? Seeing Mamma Beth (daddy's sister; my aunt) for the first time in 34 years. She'd asked me to help her heal a weird infection below her belt, and under her belly where she couldn't reach to take care of it herself.</p>
<p>The moment we saw each other, I went into her arms, and she held me for 5 minutes before Jeremy and I even walked through the apartment door. It took me 2 weeks to get the infection completely healed, then, I went back home to Channelview, Texas.</p>
<p>Over the next few months, I cannot stop talking about my visit with Mamma Beth, and I begin to realize that the 23-year writer's block I'd been suffering was gone. I began to develop a novel series, which I've placed on the "back burner" for another 20 years because I'm not old enough to write my autobiography, yet (I'm only 44 years old).</p>
<p>Then, the idea for "Interraton, Second Earth" came to me, and I'm currently writing the second novel of this saga. I've only been writing this story since January 2022, and I've already completed the first novel. Plus, I'm writing the 25th chapter of the second.</p>
<p>I feel that y'all should know that these chapters are 2,700 to 4,000 words, each. So, it's not like I've written a 10-chapter novel, and I'm on the 2nd. More like the first novel is one that has 40 chapters.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Just thought I'd share some goodness that's currently taking place in my life. I guess "there is a silver-lining in every dark cloud".</p>
<p></p>
<p>I love you, Mamma Beth R. I. P.</p>There's an Explanation for Thattag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-27:2054931:BlogPost:4380152022-08-27T01:11:42.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p><b><i>I know that when you look at the things I’ve posted here that, there are not many posts about Jeremy or any of the other five loved ones I lost in that 2 year period of time. There’s an explanation for that, and I’m going to let y’all know what’s going on with that.</i></b></p>
<p></p>
<p><b><i>Growing up, my parents did not tell me certain things about life, for example, Jeremy had to explain to me how to know when my bowels were finished moving, but that should’ve come from my…</i></b></p>
<p><b><i>I know that when you look at the things I’ve posted here that, there are not many posts about Jeremy or any of the other five loved ones I lost in that 2 year period of time. There’s an explanation for that, and I’m going to let y’all know what’s going on with that.</i></b></p>
<p></p>
<p><b><i>Growing up, my parents did not tell me certain things about life, for example, Jeremy had to explain to me how to know when my bowels were finished moving, but that should’ve come from my parents. However, it did not. My wonderfully constructed husband even taught me what certain phrases meant. For example, I didn’t know what, “throwing up the past”, meant. Y’all I find it a severe miscarriage to the sanctity of motherhood that my husband (who’s 6 years younger than me), had to tell me things that my parents should’ve.</i></b></p>
<p></p>
<p><b><i>After the accident, I spoke of Jeremy a lot, I couldn’t help it, but the horrible reality was, no one wanted to talk with me about that beautiful huaman being. In the first year, my heart was broken by so many different people because of their own grieving over Jeremy, however, I wasn’t “aware of the fact that they were grieving”. The reason for that is, in my mind, the only other person alive who had a “right to grieve” Jeremy “more than me”, was his mother. </i></b></p>
<p></p>
<p><b><i>My train of thought in that first year was, self-destructive, at best. I now realize the errors in my thinking, and that why certain things in this post are in parethesis.</i></b></p>
<p></p>
<p><b><i>Anyway, since no one wanted to talk about Jeremy, I vowed to stop “throwing up the past”, and hopefully not talking about him will allow his soul to rest peacefully. I’m not sure what happened to his soul when it left this physical world, but wherever he is, it’s a far cry better than being here because at least my soulmate is no longer suffering.</i></b></p>Heard It Saidtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-26:2054931:BlogPost:4381122022-08-26T22:02:07.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>In my lifetime, I've heard it said that, "A person doesn't love you if they only say, 'I love you' when you're having sex.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Now, my question is:</p>
<p></p>
<p>Why is that?</p>
<p>In my lifetime, I've heard it said that, "A person doesn't love you if they only say, 'I love you' when you're having sex.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Now, my question is:</p>
<p></p>
<p>Why is that?</p>Two Years Latertag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-25:2054931:BlogPost:4378132022-08-25T07:13:22.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>Technically speaking, there are less than 3 months left until we've been together for 2 years, and it's sad to see the changes that have been made. The one that upsets me the most? The situation with your dog. When I first got to your apartment, you could not stand that Chihuahua, Gigi. Now, she gets an 'Good morning' from you, she gets a kiss on her head from you, and you tell her, 'I love you, my pupper-dog'. You treat the dog better than your own girlfriend.</p>
<p>Technically speaking, there are less than 3 months left until we've been together for 2 years, and it's sad to see the changes that have been made. The one that upsets me the most? The situation with your dog. When I first got to your apartment, you could not stand that Chihuahua, Gigi. Now, she gets an 'Good morning' from you, she gets a kiss on her head from you, and you tell her, 'I love you, my pupper-dog'. You treat the dog better than your own girlfriend.</p>I'd Like to Knowtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-18:2054931:BlogPost:4377012022-08-18T21:17:50.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>Jeremy and I are soulmates, no matter if he's living or waiting for me in the afterlife, I have no doubts about that, but I'd like to know is: Will our souls know each other once mine has moved onto the afterlife? I know that everyone has different beliefs on many different aspects of life, but for the most part, when it comes to the subject of 'soulmates' I've found that most everyone I've met, feels the same way about the topic. What do you believe? How do you think soulmates who have…</p>
<p>Jeremy and I are soulmates, no matter if he's living or waiting for me in the afterlife, I have no doubts about that, but I'd like to know is: Will our souls know each other once mine has moved onto the afterlife? I know that everyone has different beliefs on many different aspects of life, but for the most part, when it comes to the subject of 'soulmates' I've found that most everyone I've met, feels the same way about the topic. What do you believe? How do you think soulmates who have found each other in life, find each other in the afterlife?</p>Starting Groups Heretag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-16:2054931:BlogPost:4375882022-08-16T16:53:51.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>If someone could tell me about starting groups here, I'd greatly appreciate it because I want to create one, myself.</p>
<p>If someone could tell me about starting groups here, I'd greatly appreciate it because I want to create one, myself.</p>Link to My Stories on Wikacytag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-13:2054931:BlogPost:4375762022-08-13T08:53:36.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p>Joe,</p>
<p>I was told to copy the address from the browser while on my profile page on Wikacy, and you'd be able to find tabs that will lead you to my stories. I hope this works, please, check out the link below, and let me know if you were able to use it. Thanks in advance.</p>
<p></p>
<p><a href="https://wikacy.com/members/iozegxuuu3bj5vm77cih4stkwbh2/profile/">https://wikacy.com/members/iozegxuuu3bj5vm77cih4stkwbh2/profile/</a></p>
<p>Joe,</p>
<p>I was told to copy the address from the browser while on my profile page on Wikacy, and you'd be able to find tabs that will lead you to my stories. I hope this works, please, check out the link below, and let me know if you were able to use it. Thanks in advance.</p>
<p></p>
<p><a href="https://wikacy.com/members/iozegxuuu3bj5vm77cih4stkwbh2/profile/">https://wikacy.com/members/iozegxuuu3bj5vm77cih4stkwbh2/profile/</a></p>As Time Goes By...tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-08-02:2054931:BlogPost:4375332022-08-02T17:43:10.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p><em><strong><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This coming Friday, August 5, 2022, I'll be turning yet another year older (44), and you would think that, as time goes by living without you by my side, would get easier; however, it hasn't gotten any easier for me, at all. I miss you, Jeremy James, with every single day that goes by.</span></strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The entire first year after you passed, all I wanted to do was die, but I'm still here without…</span></strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This coming Friday, August 5, 2022, I'll be turning yet another year older (44), and you would think that, as time goes by living without you by my side, would get easier; however, it hasn't gotten any easier for me, at all. I miss you, Jeremy James, with every single day that goes by.</span></strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The entire first year after you passed, all I wanted to do was die, but I'm still here without you; I've gotta say, 'That's not fair'. You left home, on the way to another job, but you never came back. Your ashes made it to me, but that's not the way I prefer you, which is alive, and right by my side. Instead, I walk this world alone, no matter who I've got beside me. You were my pilot through life, that job belongs to someone else now, but you'll always be guiding my heart.</span></strong></em></p>Hellotag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-06-15:2054931:BlogPost:4372302022-06-15T21:13:37.000ZPenny Caywoodhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/PennyCaywood
<p><em><strong>Hello, my name is Penny Caywood, but call me Pennywyze, please. The reason I've sought out support online for my grieving is because I've literally got no one to talk with about the things I'm going through. I mean, I've got a boyfriend, Steven who lost his wife 2 days after Jeremy's benefit in 2019, but I don't dare talk about my soulmate and best friend to my old man. However, he has been repeating the same stories from his past for the last 18 months since we've been together,…</strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong>Hello, my name is Penny Caywood, but call me Pennywyze, please. The reason I've sought out support online for my grieving is because I've literally got no one to talk with about the things I'm going through. I mean, I've got a boyfriend, Steven who lost his wife 2 days after Jeremy's benefit in 2019, but I don't dare talk about my soulmate and best friend to my old man. However, he has been repeating the same stories from his past for the last 18 months since we've been together, he never stops talking about his wife, and his time in prison. If I start talking about my past, he starts zoning out or dismisses everything I've got to say. I don't even have to be talking about the marriage I lost a few years ago, he never listens to one word I say, and when he does, he takes everything I say personally.</strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong>When I first came to the apartment here in Pasadena, Texas, he made me believe that he would "stand guard over my feelings, and not allow anyone to take advantage of them while I grieved", that would've been great if my boyfriend hadn't been the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing because did not keep his word. Oh, he didn't allow others to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, because he did that his damn self. He knew then, as he knows today that, I've got no money due to not having a job, and that I cannot just up and walk away. I will die myself before I ever go back to living on the streets. Been there, done that at 41 years old, and do not plan on doing it ever, again.</strong></em></p>Suicidetag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-05-13:2054931:BlogPost:4367172022-05-13T18:06:29.000ZMarian McAfeehttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/MarianMcAfee
<p>Suicide, I’ve found, is not like any other kind of death. My best friend did this…I guess she just couldn’t hang on anymore. How could I have missed this? Im so sorry. Sometimes I forget & think maybe it was a dream. Did she REALLY die? Why hasn’t she called? </p>
<p>Suicide, I’ve found, is not like any other kind of death. My best friend did this…I guess she just couldn’t hang on anymore. How could I have missed this? Im so sorry. Sometimes I forget & think maybe it was a dream. Did she REALLY die? Why hasn’t she called? </p>The Big 5-0tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-03-25:2054931:BlogPost:4359532022-03-25T16:30:00.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p>Birthdays (any yearly reminder of significance really) of those that have walked the Rainbow Bridge can be hard for the griever. This past February would have been a significant milestone for Jen...she should be 50 years old. While the daily triggers to thoughts and reminders were still occurring before this birthday, the intensity definitely increased as the date came and went. I took me into the afternoon before I could muster the courage to reach out to her sister. I am walking…</p>
<p>Birthdays (any yearly reminder of significance really) of those that have walked the Rainbow Bridge can be hard for the griever. This past February would have been a significant milestone for Jen...she should be 50 years old. While the daily triggers to thoughts and reminders were still occurring before this birthday, the intensity definitely increased as the date came and went. I took me into the afternoon before I could muster the courage to reach out to her sister. I am walking through Wal-Mart, bawling, as the conversation progresses. She thanks me for reaching out...While she had remembered earlier in the day, having someone check in with her helped her to realize that others still cared, it helped to validate that Jen existed, and she was important in the lives of those she touched. It broke my heart that she was reaching that point of wonder and I encouraged her to give me a shout anytime those thoughts resurfaced. She posted a lovely tribute on Facebook later in the day and interspersed among the "Happy Heavenly Birthdays" were some genuine reminders that even with a brief time on the planet, Jen had a significant impact.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Being on the high side of the emotional ebb and flow of grief from the birthday, I decided to return to the GriefShare support group for, well, support. The past meeting was extremely small due to some bad weather, just the two facilitators and one other lady that began the program about the same time as I did. We were familiar, but I had not been exposed to as much of her story as the facilitators had been through past interactions. It was actually a great meeting. It went long and we went deep into the individual issues of the day for all of us. During my sharing I revealed the one subject that, while not technically off-limits, I just do not really discuss much with my wife is Jen. At first I say that it is out of respect for my wife, that I do not want her to feel threatened by the connection I had with Jen. One of the facilitators talks about her story where her second husband encourages her to share stories and the antics of her first husband that passed suddenly. Not threatened at all. We (they) dig some more...okay! It makes me feel like I am cheating on my wife. The fact that I loved Jen and still think about her makes me feel dishonorable. They call me on this one too. That is on me. That they would feel hurt to have the decision, of whether the subject of Jen can be discussed, removed from their say in the matter. If my wife does not want to talk about it, she should be offered the choice. Worse case, yeah, she is not comfortable talking about it, and the other side of the coin, she is and I can get feelings off my chest and share stories freely...or somewhere in the middle.</p>
<p></p>
<p>It is an interesting slap in the face. I am wrestling with it, as I always do. Yes, I want to respect my wife's ability to choose for herself, and at the same time, just asking for her to make a choice feels like cheating. My wife has been a trooper through this late round of resurfacing grief, and has always made me feel like she believes that love is additive, not an either-or situation. I will likely mull it over for several more days (even weeks) and then breakdown and ask the question, but I have to get over the 'ick' factor too.</p>
<p></p>
<p>How have others approached it with subsequent significant others? Is it off limits? Is it free discourse? Are stories shared only? What about feelings that still remain?</p>The Importance of Sympathy Cardstag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-03-25:2054931:BlogPost:4360412022-03-25T14:35:32.000ZBenny Avinahttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/LifeSongTeam
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It may seem insignificant or outdated to write a sympathy card to someone who is grieving, however sympathy cards are one of the most powerful ways to show someone how much you care. Through the years it has been common practice to write sympathy cards to the family and friends of someone we know when they pass away. They continue to send a powerful and encouraging message serving as a reminder of love in the midst of loss. Writing a sympathy letter can be a…</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It may seem insignificant or outdated to write a sympathy card to someone who is grieving, however sympathy cards are one of the most powerful ways to show someone how much you care. Through the years it has been common practice to write sympathy cards to the family and friends of someone we know when they pass away. They continue to send a powerful and encouraging message serving as a reminder of love in the midst of loss. Writing a sympathy letter can be a difficult task. Everyone grieves differently and finding words to comfort a loss can seem impossible. Some things people may find offensive, while others find them comforting. These questions should not hold you back from writing a sympathy card. When struggling through loss one may feel like they are alone, these sympathy letters are an encouraging reminder that this is not the case. As cards flood in, the recipient will be reminded of the support and love that is there for them. Commonly, sympathy letters are written shortly after someone has passed, the recipient is flooded with letters and support at the beginning however, as time goes on letters stop and the individual in grief may begin to feel alone once again. A great way to offer continued support through this time is spacing out your sympathy card. Try sending a few follow up letters after some time has passed. A good example is to send a follow up six months after the loss checking in on the person. Tell them you are thinking, praying, and there for them. Send another letter one year after the loss as well. As time goes on people move on. The grieving individual may still be struggling years later, even after many people have moved on in their lives. Depending on the severity of the loss it may be good to send a letter on a yearly basis. Offer encouragement and remind the person that you are thinking of them and the individual who has passed. There are many do’s and don'ts to writing a sympathy card, for instance always hand write your letter and mail it physically. This makes the letter much more personal and has a larger impact on the individual. Try and avoid purchasing memorial cards with pre printed phrases. Instead, write them out yourself and come up with an original letter for the person grieving.</span> <a href="https://www.lifesongmilestones.com/blogs/articles-guides/how-to-write-a-sympathy-card" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Here</a> <span style="font-weight: 400;">is a great resource for writing a sympathy letter that can get you started. Additional resources can be found online as well. Overall, writing a sympathy letter is an encouraging reminder of the support and love that is there for someone who has experienced loss. It is a subtle and appropriate method to express your condolences to someone who is grieving and can make a world of difference in the healing process to a grieving individual.</span></p>Bereaved Mother's Daytag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-02-18:2054931:BlogPost:4356182022-02-18T23:28:31.000ZLisahttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/LisaMPrice
<p><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10128451268?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Bereaved Mother's Day</a></p>
<p>Sharing this event as it is both in-person and virtual - Bereaved Mother's Day Conference 2022 - A Healing Collective</p>
<p><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10128451268?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Bereaved Mother's Day</a></p>
<p>Sharing this event as it is both in-person and virtual - Bereaved Mother's Day Conference 2022 - A Healing Collective</p>ANGERtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-01-24:2054931:BlogPost:4348732022-01-24T18:36:58.000ZJulie McKinneyhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/JulieMcKinney
<p>I wanted to write today about anger. After my son passed away, many of his friends wrote beautiful memories and feelings about him via Facebook. I didn't realize how much he meant to so many people and how many lives were touched by his kindness. However, what angers me is that not ONE of these "FRIENDS" ever came to visit him in the nursing home. He was in a nursing facility for 10 years and yet only his dad, myself and his stepdad came on a regular basis. I understand that it's hard to see…</p>
<p>I wanted to write today about anger. After my son passed away, many of his friends wrote beautiful memories and feelings about him via Facebook. I didn't realize how much he meant to so many people and how many lives were touched by his kindness. However, what angers me is that not ONE of these "FRIENDS" ever came to visit him in the nursing home. He was in a nursing facility for 10 years and yet only his dad, myself and his stepdad came on a regular basis. I understand that it's hard to see one of your young friend deteriorating in front of you but Matthew was 100% in his head and longed for friendship. He would have given anything for someone to come see him that he had considered his friend.</p>
<p>I am so angry that all of these wonderful thoughts and feelings were expressed about him AFTER he was gone. He would have loved and cherished knowing how everyone felt about him. I am angry that he got Wilson's disease to begin with, but angrier about his friends not visiting him.</p>
<p>I didn't expect people to come every day etc. I know everyone has lives, kids, jobs etc. But now he's gone and there's no longer a chance to come see him and let him know what a great person these friends thought he was.</p>
<p>He never expressed anger to me about no one coming but I know in his heart, he was sad about it. He just wanted to be a normal 21 year old.</p>LOSS OF MY ONLY SONtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2022-01-18:2054931:BlogPost:4348362022-01-18T17:43:31.000ZJulie McKinneyhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/JulieMcKinney
<p></p>
<p> Here is the story of my son, Matthew-</p>
<p>He was an easy baby, full of smiles and laughter but a rather shy little boy. He was so gentle natured. He grew up to be a wonderful person. He was well liked by his schoolmates and continued to be a nice, sweet person. </p>
<p>He wanted to be a 2nd grade teacher. He went to Community College, worked at PISD as a mentor and also worked part time at Tom Thumb.</p>
<p>When he turned 21, his life changed forever. He had been experiencing…</p>
<p></p>
<p> Here is the story of my son, Matthew-</p>
<p>He was an easy baby, full of smiles and laughter but a rather shy little boy. He was so gentle natured. He grew up to be a wonderful person. He was well liked by his schoolmates and continued to be a nice, sweet person. </p>
<p>He wanted to be a 2nd grade teacher. He went to Community College, worked at PISD as a mentor and also worked part time at Tom Thumb.</p>
<p>When he turned 21, his life changed forever. He had been experiencing issues with drooling, tiredness, kept saying his mouth tasted like copper. He was beginning to show signs of what we thought was either a brain tumor or perhaps a stroke. His Dad took him for an MRI and he was diagnosed with Wilson's disease. This is a genetic disease that causes heavy metal poisoning of Copper. Apparently I have a recessive gene as well as his dad. No one on either side of our families have ever had this, that we know of.</p>
<p>With Wilson's disease, it's very rare so no Dr really knows that much about it, let alone how to care for someone who has it. The copper normally accumulates in the liver and most patients get a liver transplant and they are then good to go. Unfortunately for Matthew, it accumulated in his brain and caused massive neurological damage. He moved his entire body 24 hrs a day nonstop. His brain would not stop telling his body to move. He got down to 85 lbs at one point.</p>
<p>Over the next 10 years, he lost his ability to walk, talk, swallow, use his hands 100%. He was basically a prisoner in his own body.</p>
<p>He was in a Houston hospital for an entire year with Dr's trying to get his movements under control. His Dad and I took turns staying with him. We then had to move him to a nursing home where he lived out his final years. We were heartbroken to have to do that but he required 24 hr care. His chance of aspirating and dying were extremely high so we couldn't take a chance. Over the years, he went thru many surgeries to place a DBS in his brain and a baclofen pump in his abdomen.</p>
<p>His last 10 years of life were pure hell and yet he wanted to live. He never gave up and always had a smile on his face every time I came for a visit. </p>
<p>I used to pray to God that he would take him to heaven so he could be whole again. When this actually happened Aug 19, I was shocked and heartbroken. I miss him every minute of every day. I try to make this a somewhat positive thing because I know he is healthy, can run and talk and eat etc. But it's so hard to do.</p>It's all okay nowtag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-11-24:2054931:BlogPost:4331272021-11-24T02:17:54.000Zknp0813http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/KristynCarter
<p>2 weeks ago today you left this Earth to begin your pain free journey with Jesus. I'm forever grateful to be one of your granddaughters, to have been loved endlessly by you. I miss so many things. I miss your smell, the way you looked at nanny, the way you would light up when I walked into the house, our texts with your emojis; and so much more. </p>
<p></p>
<p>It feels like it was 10 minutes ago that I checked for a pulse knowing in my head that there wouldn't be one because you had taken…</p>
<p>2 weeks ago today you left this Earth to begin your pain free journey with Jesus. I'm forever grateful to be one of your granddaughters, to have been loved endlessly by you. I miss so many things. I miss your smell, the way you looked at nanny, the way you would light up when I walked into the house, our texts with your emojis; and so much more. </p>
<p></p>
<p>It feels like it was 10 minutes ago that I checked for a pulse knowing in my head that there wouldn't be one because you had taken your last breath about 2 minutes prior. I watched your chest rise and fall for the last time and gave you a few moments of just silence to enter Heaven peacefully. Still, when I put my fingers to your wrist, I hoped and prayed there would still be a faint heartbeat; I was heartbroken when there wasn't. I did exactly as you asked me to when we talked about your passing a few days prior, I made sure nanny was surrounded with love and have made sure she is supported throughout this. </p>
<p></p>
<p>Having hospice nursing experience is a blessing and a curse when your own family is the patient... Every time I walked into the house, I was assessing you and your surroundings. I was monitoring your medicine, your vitals, your mental state... I knew you were slowly leaving us weeks before it happened. I knew the night before too. I refused to believe it. I still do, to an extent. I have this expectation that you'll be in your room on the computer when I walk down the hallway, or that I'll hear your random whistling coming from a different room. I look through our text messages wishing there would be the 3 little dots, meaning you're typing to me; but I know deep down they won't show up anymore.</p>
<p></p>
<p>How do I accept that you're physically gone and not coming back? I know I am strong enough to handle this because I am a part of you; but some days I have my doubts. How do I process this "properly," without going into a full-on depression and mental breakdown? I am normally the strong one in the family. I keep them going when they don't think they can. I've been distancing myself from everyone except my wonderful husband, who you adored so, so much. Grief comes in waves and lasts forever. I'm just not sure how to weather the storm.</p>
<p></p>
<p>I have dreams of you often, most nights actually. I dream that we are outside in the shade on a nice sunny day, your favorite place to be. I can hear birds chirping away and the silence is just so calming. I hope that's what Heaven is like for you. Oddly, there is no conversation other than you telling me "It's okay, I'm okay now sissy." before I wake up. I have some peace knowing that I can sleep and hear your voice. I pray that never goes away. I pray you never go away. I'm terrified of forgetting what you smell like when you have aftershave on, what your laugh sounds like, or even worse; forgetting what your smile looks like.</p>
<p></p>
<p>I'm searching for anyone to help me through this. I'm even looking into counseling, something I never thought I'd need. You were and are my absolute best friend (other than nanny), and I need help getting through the grief. I love you a bushel and a peck & a hug around the neck, Mr. Sir. It's all okay now.</p>Comes The Dawntag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-10-28:2054931:BlogPost:4360362021-10-28T00:00:00.000ZSpeed Weaselhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/SpeedWeasel
<p>My aunt passed away towards the end of June 2021. We were never particularly close, I visited her in California for a couple weeks when I was in middle school, but otherwise contact was limited. She had some medical issues that prevented her from having children and (what I pieced together) a strained relationship with her father that caused her to sever most ties with the family, with perhaps some jealousy towards the family that my father was able to have. When she passed away I went…</p>
<p>My aunt passed away towards the end of June 2021. We were never particularly close, I visited her in California for a couple weeks when I was in middle school, but otherwise contact was limited. She had some medical issues that prevented her from having children and (what I pieced together) a strained relationship with her father that caused her to sever most ties with the family, with perhaps some jealousy towards the family that my father was able to have. When she passed away I went with my father to start the estate process. She had no surviving family, so the next of kin role defaulted to my dad and I suspected that he would need help, if nothing more than emotional support. We walked into an apartment stacked with YEARS of junk mail and paperwork to sift through, books stacked waist high in every room, empty boxes of lightbulbs, and even burned out lightbulbs saved. In the process of this sifting, I ran across a poem she had printed out that for some reason really struck a chord with me. I remembered that she had written poetry and even been published in a couple smaller outlets. She obviously had an attachment to it that spoke to her heart and experiences, but I detect a power in the somewhat universal feelings that are being explored, even if specifically written from a female point of view.</p>
<p></p>
<h2><strong><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">Comes the Dawn</font></strong></h2>
<h4><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana"><i>author disputed...</i></font></h4>
<blockquote><div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">After a while, you learn the subtle difference</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And company doesn't mean security,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And presents aren't promises.</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And you begin to accept your defeats</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">With your head held high and your eyes open,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">You learn to build your roads on today,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And futures have a way of falling in midflight.</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">After a while, you learn that even sunshine</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">Burns if you get too much.</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">So you plant your own garden</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And decorate your own soul,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">And you learn that you really can endure,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">That you really are strong,</font></font></div>
<div><font size="2"><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana">That you really do have worth,</font></font></div>
<div><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana" size="2">And you learn and learn...and learn...</font></div>
<div><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana" size="2">With every Goodbye, you learn.</font></div>
</blockquote>
<p><font color="#2B00FE" face="verdana" size="2"> </font></p>
<div>Notes that I found within the mountain of miscellany suggest a long-running disgust with her father (my grandfather) and, while I do not know the whole story, it does not seem outlandish. It strained her relationship with the whole extended family and was always felt as antipathy for the others in the family. Her animosity towards me was tangible within the papers that I found. I don't understand the reasons why and will never have the full set of answers. And I can confidently say that our stories and experiences growing up were different. Yet, for some reason, this poem connected with me at a deep (even low-frequency) level when I found it in her mountain of papers. I can feel her feelings and reasons for attachment to the poem, despite holes in the backstory, and even focus in on my own journey through the lens that author has crafted. Perhaps the feelings explored within are simply casting light upon truly universal human conditions, but part of me feels like I was supposed to find this work for healing within my own microcosm. Maybe my aunt even guiding me to find it as a gift.<p></p>
<div>Hopefully, this work strikes a chord with you as well, to start a healing process or add to a foundation of support for the struggles that you are currently experiencing. People keep saying that it will be alright, and I am hoping that they know something that I don't and are correct.</div>
</div>2021 feals lk iv gon to hell on losstag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-10-23:2054931:BlogPost:4324182021-10-23T09:48:05.000Zdream moon JO Bhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/jb
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;">2021 lozzin my mom thn lozzin my unlc in mnths aprt iv got no 1 famlyy hav ther oqnn ownn livss </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;">iv no hubby or bf to suprtt me im not fealin sorry forr my slf juts fealin loww on all loss iv had in lst 10 20 30 yrs iv had</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;">2021 lozzin my mom thn lozzin my unlc in mnths aprt iv got no 1 famlyy hav ther oqnn ownn livss </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;">iv no hubby or bf to suprtt me im not fealin sorry forr my slf juts fealin loww on all loss iv had in lst 10 20 30 yrs iv had</span></p>How CBD Can Help You Get Through These Tough Times [by CFAH]tag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-09-01:2054931:BlogPost:4307972021-09-01T00:03:04.000ZLaura Ravinderhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/LauraRavinder
<p>When I started getting into medical writing, I was looking for a reliable resource for information on CBD reviews of CBD products. I wanted to find a resource with scientific data that had information that could be used by parents, teachers, pharmacists, professionals, and other health care professionals in making informed decisions about therapeutic and potential uses of CBD extracts. In my effort to find such a resource I came across many websites, including some that had nothing to do…</p>
<p>When I started getting into medical writing, I was looking for a reliable resource for information on CBD reviews of CBD products. I wanted to find a resource with scientific data that had information that could be used by parents, teachers, pharmacists, professionals, and other health care professionals in making informed decisions about therapeutic and potential uses of CBD extracts. In my effort to find such a resource I came across many websites, including some that had nothing to do with CBD products and other websites that advertised sales pitches for CBD supplements, <a href="https://cfah.org/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">explained CFAH</a>. While some of these websites did provide useful information, most were just selling products or services and offering sales pitches to get people to buy them. This made finding unbiased objective CFAH and review websites difficult and sometimes made me less likely to recommend them to others interested in the therapeutic and potential benefits of CBD extracts.</p>
<br />
<p>After doing my own research online, I was able to identify websites that provided CFAH expert CBD reviewers and CFAH CBD product reviews that offering unbiased opinions about the different products. The best websites are those that have hundreds, if not thousands, of independent reviews from registered authors who have real experience with the products. Independent review authors can provide objective information that is helpful to consumers as they decide which products may be right for them. Independent reviewers also can help consumers learn more about products they may be considering for a positive treatment option.</p>
<p>Some websites, including CFAH expert CBD review websites, offer only CFAH CBD review information from registered authors. These authors are knowledgeable about the CBD industry as an industry that is still in its infancy. Many parents, educators, and other professionals in the medical field to appreciate the expertise of authors who have experience working with CBD products. These authors are also knowledgeable about many other health topics that are relevant to parents seeking to use CBD products for children.</p>
<p>Other websites may offer CFAH expert CBD review information from sales pitches. While it is great to have knowledgeable sources of information about the benefits of CBD products, some people take the sales pitches promoting these products as marketing tools. When dealing with sales pitches that are not based on facts, you should consider how they are being presented to you. Websites that only offer CFAH CBD review information from sales pitches may be trying to sell products to parents. In some instances, they may present information about the benefits of CBD without mentioning any negative aspects.</p>
<p>In addition, some websites may attempt to get you to purchase CFAH CBD review products without providing any information about the science behind them. When researching these types of websites, make sure that they offer factual information and only recommend products based on science.</p>
<p>Reviewing products such as this can be difficult because there is not yet a great deal of scientific research regarding CBD. Nevertheless, it is important to remember that it is your responsibility to be sure that the website you are visiting is not trying to sell you something before you check out the benefits of CBD. Websites that offer unbiased reviews without offering a sale before going into the details of a product are much more likely to be helpful.</p>
<p>CFAH is a complex area of study in its own right. In addition to being a medical condition, it can also result in drug abuse due to people trying to get high from using the plant extract. Therefore, while CFAH can be beneficial to some people, it is best to avoid products containing CBD unless you want to become addicted to the plant extract. If you are considering trying CFAH products for your child, try to find unbiased information about the health benefits and the potential risks. You should also be sure that you are not getting a product that has not been proven to help people with the symptoms of CFAH.</p>Lost my mothertag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-08-21:2054931:BlogPost:4308382021-08-21T07:08:55.000Zsofihttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/sofi
<p>She was my world I am all alone now what do I do I can't breathe</p>
<p>She was my world I am all alone now what do I do I can't breathe</p>feal so alontag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-08-12:2054931:BlogPost:4305602021-08-12T18:41:35.000Zdream moon JO Bhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/jb
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>feal so alon sinse lozin mom i no its coz of cov 19 ruls </strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>feal lk frindss dnt wontt to me nevr agan coz it hapnd wen dad died had peppl cross st not speek 2 me</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>peppl saed thy wud keep in toch nop dnt seam 2 wontt to no me</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>but soons thy need me mugns is ther for evry 1…</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>feal so alon sinse lozin mom i no its coz of cov 19 ruls </strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>feal lk frindss dnt wontt to me nevr agan coz it hapnd wen dad died had peppl cross st not speek 2 me</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>peppl saed thy wud keep in toch nop dnt seam 2 wontt to no me</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>but soons thy need me mugns is ther for evry 1 but wen i need luv suprt no 1 givs a dam</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><strong>im sorryy if im ramlin on im cryn my eys well postin ths its bean 4 mnhts sinse moms gon im juts grefin alon sorry cnt pots no mor</strong></span></p>Losing parents in your 20'stag:www.onlinegriefsupport.com,2021-07-27:2054931:BlogPost:4303172021-07-27T20:00:11.000Zthe sapphire girlhttp://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profile/thesapphiregirl
<p><span>Dear anyone reading this, </span></p>
<div>I can't write anymore, I can't. I never understood till now that writing, expressing is a privilege I am denied.</div>
<div>When you have one parent to rely on, they kind of become your family, just like my father and me, my house has every comfort one could require in a home, but for me it ceased to be my home.</div>
<div>Every morning when I wake up in the morning, and descend slowly towards the hall, I feel like my mind is taking a journey…</div>
<p><span>Dear anyone reading this, </span></p>
<div>I can't write anymore, I can't. I never understood till now that writing, expressing is a privilege I am denied.</div>
<div>When you have one parent to rely on, they kind of become your family, just like my father and me, my house has every comfort one could require in a home, but for me it ceased to be my home.</div>
<div>Every morning when I wake up in the morning, and descend slowly towards the hall, I feel like my mind is taking a journey through past, a past of 2 months ago, I stare at the the entrance and wish I could hear the sound of the door opening with a particular sound, I yearn to hear the annoying sound from watching bengali daily soap, even now out of habit at night I go to his room to feel the smell of desolation hitting me back to reality, all the things I perceived so normal was snatched away from me like the way the womb is separated from a mother's womb, and the blood was already there, and with his death it has been dried, and pool of regret is all I breath these days.</div>
<div>'Switzerland, I want to go to switzerland', One day I asked my father which foreign country he wants to go, I thought and at that moment disdained the triviality of his wishes and yet in heart promised to myself, ''one day, one day...''</div>
<div>When I used to read or watch movies, I imagined the kind of reaction he will have at each milestone of my life.I lost my mother at a young age, and never got to share my boards result, my first day of college, first heartbreak, hugging my mother tightly amidst illness, I thought to be happy on the other side of the circle. It doesn't matter if my moon is mangled, cut in half but it was still a moon, where I could sleep without any worry.</div>
<div>For days after his death, the first question I had everyday was ' I can't believe he is never going to come home, I can't believe nobody is going to come in evening to ask what I will eat or call me when I have not still reached home from college, or when I went to my friend's place and forgotten to call him, I can't believe my childrens are never going to know my father and mother, and they have to know them through my blurred, fragmented and unreliable memory concealed under years of dust,'</div>
<div>I don't want to say this to anyone, that time heals everything, no it doesn't, time only takes away, smells,memories, presence, his things, his soap, his dirty collars,his toothbrush, his used bedcover, his existence and it only leaves leftovers to chew on.</div>
<div>What is the use of doing anything, if they could never see me, what is the point of building a home if my first homes are forever lost with earth,and water and ashes.</div>
<div>The other day at the bank the manager asked me about the health of my mother after he saw that I came to break my fd with my father, I could not reply, and a sudden sob like waves drowned my voice and I am ashamed of my tears, I am ashamed how stubborn they are that they still are ceaselessly bursting when there is no ocean of pain left in me.</div>
<div>I wish there was an option to burn this, I would have then.</div>
<div>This life feels like a punishment, and my father didn't deserve this, and this is why I guess I will always be angry.</div>
<div>Peace, I won't find and is not eager to look, pain and peace co-exist sometimes.</div>
<div>Love, I can never love any person, to love is to hope, to hope is to depend, to depend is to die.</div>