Right now, all i can say about myself is that I am heartbroken and paralyzed with grief from losing my mom, Feb 1st, 2018. 12 days of pain that I never imagined could be so agonizing.
About my Loss:
My Mom passed away 12 days ago from complications resulting from contracting the bacteria c-dff in her colon. She was diagnosed on December 28th, 2017 and everything went downhill rapidly. I am full of pain, anger, confusion right now. I feel that her death was unnecessary due to the bacteria not being treated aggressively enough despite the fact that she was getting NO better but worse, day by day. Mom had been in a nursing Home for 2 years recovering from a total hip replacement and pneumonia and she was in the initial first stages of dementia but that was minor. i live 2 minutes from the nursing home so mom came home with me weekly. we talked daily. She walked with a walker...she was not wheel chair bound or any limitations of that kind. Despite constantly questioning why mom seemed worse daily, it seemed NO ONE would listen to me! The third week into this illness, they finally granted my request and sent her to the ER. This is where the worse nightmare of my life began. We went from the ER to the next day making decisions about emergency surgery to remove her colon because she was now SEPTIC. She had Toxic Megacolon and her colon was going to rupture at any sec. She was put on life support, rushed to surgery to do a loop bowel and colostomy as well as a illeostomy. Mom had her eyes open for 2 days after surgery, squeezing my fingers, following simple commands and even mouthing "i love you too" every time I told her..."i love you Mom". The next day she coded in front of me, they revived her quickly but nothing improved in the slightest after that. She had multiple strokes, she was paralyzed on her left side, Her blood pressure was so low they had to keep her on a medication just to keep her blood pressure from plummeting. Her kidneys started to shut down. She was so swollen that her body was weeping fluids, through her skin....all of this was from becoming septic from the out of control c-diff. Her temp was 104-105. Her heart rate stayed high and B/P low. I watched my best friend fight this battle for 11 days before making the gut wrenching decision to remove the life support and let her go. The worse position I've ever been in in my life. The doctors gave her 0 chance of survival at this point. At 11:30pm, jan 31st, They turned off the drips, all but the ones to keep her comfortable. Then, They removed the ventilator. for 3 hours and one minute, my mom fought to stay alive. I held her in my arms and assured her that I would be ok, as long as my son as well, that she could let go and go Home with Jesus. I begged her to not suffer anymore. I could not stand seeing her struggle for every breath. Finally at 2:31 am, she let go. I remained on the pillow beside of her, I still could not bring myself to let go of her. The only peace i have is that she is finally reunited with my only sibling that died when he was 36, My dad, mom's brother, my grand parents.....I'm not a stranger to grief. BUT NO GRIEF HAS EVER FELT LIKE THIS ONE! I still hear her breathing whenever my surroundings are quiet. "the death rattle", that sound tortures me. I could keep writing but I am at a point of "the shakes" now so i will stop for the time. I just know that someone here must know how terrible i feel...i cant be the only one...i may be 41 years old but I will always want my Mama!! I miss you and love you Mama more than the world...until we meet again, save a place for me.
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Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time. Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference? Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have.
I had no idea there were only a few…"
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices.
Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
welcome, people on here are very supportive. I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end. In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing. Now I…"
It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.
" As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts. I think you could be a writer or counselor. Thanks everyone else for support also. I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do. I was thinking tonight,…"
This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.
The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"
"Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.
I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but…"
"Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We…"
"I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so…"
I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common. I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad. Same here. My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom,…"
"Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died. All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about…"
I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you…"
"Virginia, mom's are very intuitive. I tired to hide it. It didn't work. Mom could see right through me. She would tell me that everything was going to be okay. I think my mom was more worried about leaving me than she was about dying. That…"
You are right, how can we go from our Moms being our whole lives to nothing? It’s not possible. It doesn’t even make sense. I see other families and I envy them and it makes me sad. I want my family…"
Your posts always make me cry, you write so well and it always hits me in the heart. So you also felt the constant despair inside, but you were able to control and hide it, unlike me. Therein lies my guilt. I was…"