Right now, all i can say about myself is that I am heartbroken and paralyzed with grief from losing my mom, Feb 1st, 2018. 12 days of pain that I never imagined could be so agonizing.
About my Loss:
My Mom passed away 12 days ago from complications resulting from contracting the bacteria c-dff in her colon. She was diagnosed on December 28th, 2017 and everything went downhill rapidly. I am full of pain, anger, confusion right now. I feel that her death was unnecessary due to the bacteria not being treated aggressively enough despite the fact that she was getting NO better but worse, day by day. Mom had been in a nursing Home for 2 years recovering from a total hip replacement and pneumonia and she was in the initial first stages of dementia but that was minor. i live 2 minutes from the nursing home so mom came home with me weekly. we talked daily. She walked with a walker...she was not wheel chair bound or any limitations of that kind. Despite constantly questioning why mom seemed worse daily, it seemed NO ONE would listen to me! The third week into this illness, they finally granted my request and sent her to the ER. This is where the worse nightmare of my life began. We went from the ER to the next day making decisions about emergency surgery to remove her colon because she was now SEPTIC. She had Toxic Megacolon and her colon was going to rupture at any sec. She was put on life support, rushed to surgery to do a loop bowel and colostomy as well as a illeostomy. Mom had her eyes open for 2 days after surgery, squeezing my fingers, following simple commands and even mouthing "i love you too" every time I told her..."i love you Mom". The next day she coded in front of me, they revived her quickly but nothing improved in the slightest after that. She had multiple strokes, she was paralyzed on her left side, Her blood pressure was so low they had to keep her on a medication just to keep her blood pressure from plummeting. Her kidneys started to shut down. She was so swollen that her body was weeping fluids, through her skin....all of this was from becoming septic from the out of control c-diff. Her temp was 104-105. Her heart rate stayed high and B/P low. I watched my best friend fight this battle for 11 days before making the gut wrenching decision to remove the life support and let her go. The worse position I've ever been in in my life. The doctors gave her 0 chance of survival at this point. At 11:30pm, jan 31st, They turned off the drips, all but the ones to keep her comfortable. Then, They removed the ventilator. for 3 hours and one minute, my mom fought to stay alive. I held her in my arms and assured her that I would be ok, as long as my son as well, that she could let go and go Home with Jesus. I begged her to not suffer anymore. I could not stand seeing her struggle for every breath. Finally at 2:31 am, she let go. I remained on the pillow beside of her, I still could not bring myself to let go of her. The only peace i have is that she is finally reunited with my only sibling that died when he was 36, My dad, mom's brother, my grand parents.....I'm not a stranger to grief. BUT NO GRIEF HAS EVER FELT LIKE THIS ONE! I still hear her breathing whenever my surroundings are quiet. "the death rattle", that sound tortures me. I could keep writing but I am at a point of "the shakes" now so i will stop for the time. I just know that someone here must know how terrible i feel...i cant be the only one...i may be 41 years old but I will always want my Mama!! I miss you and love you Mama more than the world...until we meet again, save a place for me.
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"Yes Brett, perfectly said. They will surely forgive us and I just need to forgive myself.
I will be fulfilling her pending wishes which will help me to forgive myself and also take more care of my Dad as he is alone now."
"Avi, I am sorry that it's taken a while for me to respond to you. I ready your story and I felt it. I am so sorry about your mom. If someone were to ask me what the prevailing emotion on this website is, I'm not sure that I would say…"
"A friend of mine lost his brother to suicide last year. My friend asked me if I thought that his brother was in Hell. There's a question that no one wants to be asked. There's just no way of knowing. And I don't want to make a joke…"
"I have to add I miss my mom terribly, every single night I get in bed and in the darkness I cry and tell her if you are near me and can hear me I love you mom.
I say to her one day you will let me know what happened.
Every night I say…"
"Avi I am very sorry for your loss, this is a great group.
Brett somehow you always seem to shed light on a dismal situation. Thank you.
Virginia- no God does not allow bad things to happen to people, when we are brought into this world our…"
"Virginia, it will be better if you dont find out the things you should have done better in hospital. It will make your grief stronger.
I tried but stopped in between because it was causing lot of pain."
thanks for the love and for caring. I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life. I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again. Then again, wouldn’t a…"
"Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it.
I try to be careful. I'm such a religious…"
The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.What God gives to help the depressedStrength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (…See More
Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time. Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference? Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have.
I had no idea there were only a few…"
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices.
Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
welcome, people on here are very supportive. I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end. In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing. Now I…"
It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.
" As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts. I think you could be a writer or counselor. Thanks everyone else for support also. I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do. I was thinking tonight,…"
This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.
The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"