Right now, all i can say about myself is that I am heartbroken and paralyzed with grief from losing my mom, Feb 1st, 2018. 12 days of pain that I never imagined could be so agonizing.
About my Loss:
My Mom passed away 12 days ago from complications resulting from contracting the bacteria c-dff in her colon. She was diagnosed on December 28th, 2017 and everything went downhill rapidly. I am full of pain, anger, confusion right now. I feel that her death was unnecessary due to the bacteria not being treated aggressively enough despite the fact that she was getting NO better but worse, day by day. Mom had been in a nursing Home for 2 years recovering from a total hip replacement and pneumonia and she was in the initial first stages of dementia but that was minor. i live 2 minutes from the nursing home so mom came home with me weekly. we talked daily. She walked with a walker...she was not wheel chair bound or any limitations of that kind. Despite constantly questioning why mom seemed worse daily, it seemed NO ONE would listen to me! The third week into this illness, they finally granted my request and sent her to the ER. This is where the worse nightmare of my life began. We went from the ER to the next day making decisions about emergency surgery to remove her colon because she was now SEPTIC. She had Toxic Megacolon and her colon was going to rupture at any sec. She was put on life support, rushed to surgery to do a loop bowel and colostomy as well as a illeostomy. Mom had her eyes open for 2 days after surgery, squeezing my fingers, following simple commands and even mouthing "i love you too" every time I told her..."i love you Mom". The next day she coded in front of me, they revived her quickly but nothing improved in the slightest after that. She had multiple strokes, she was paralyzed on her left side, Her blood pressure was so low they had to keep her on a medication just to keep her blood pressure from plummeting. Her kidneys started to shut down. She was so swollen that her body was weeping fluids, through her skin....all of this was from becoming septic from the out of control c-diff. Her temp was 104-105. Her heart rate stayed high and B/P low. I watched my best friend fight this battle for 11 days before making the gut wrenching decision to remove the life support and let her go. The worse position I've ever been in in my life. The doctors gave her 0 chance of survival at this point. At 11:30pm, jan 31st, They turned off the drips, all but the ones to keep her comfortable. Then, They removed the ventilator. for 3 hours and one minute, my mom fought to stay alive. I held her in my arms and assured her that I would be ok, as long as my son as well, that she could let go and go Home with Jesus. I begged her to not suffer anymore. I could not stand seeing her struggle for every breath. Finally at 2:31 am, she let go. I remained on the pillow beside of her, I still could not bring myself to let go of her. The only peace i have is that she is finally reunited with my only sibling that died when he was 36, My dad, mom's brother, my grand parents.....I'm not a stranger to grief. BUT NO GRIEF HAS EVER FELT LIKE THIS ONE! I still hear her breathing whenever my surroundings are quiet. "the death rattle", that sound tortures me. I could keep writing but I am at a point of "the shakes" now so i will stop for the time. I just know that someone here must know how terrible i feel...i cant be the only one...i may be 41 years old but I will always want my Mama!! I miss you and love you Mama more than the world...until we meet again, save a place for me.
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"I'm glad that I was with my mom when she passed over. I was the last person that she saw and I was able to tell her that it was okay, but you bet I was haunted by all that I saw. There is no good way."
"Actually, I am glad you did not see your Mom pass from this life to the next. I was there for mine and it haunts me that I watched her struggled for breath. There are other things that happened before they took her away that I will never…"
"No she always used to say to me “you never know when it will be your time” I’m mad at myself for not being there and the reason was that I stopped at her house on the way to the hospital thinking they will have to get her settled…"
"I can relate. There is no definite diagnosis whether my Mom passed away from her heart condition or respiratory failure. I will never know. But there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That was out of my control.
I pray that you feel your…"
"Hi , I lost my mother on April 14, 2018. Was with her when she passed. Love if her life. It was hard watching her go and seeing the fight in her face and her knowing that was it as far as being with me again in physical body. She is now a gorgeous…"
"Thanks for your message Frances. I just saw it. I appreciate your kind words. God bless you. I don’t post on this site likebI did when my mom first died. It’s still hard adjusting to her not being here. Her death has helped…"
"Bluebell, so glad for you
I so wish I could have the same experience
I finally after much though realized what it is that I am having a hard time with about my moms death.....why did she go in CA, I cry and realize that I will live with not knowing…"
"I have made a decision to take baby steps to recover from the trauma of the bleed in my brain. The first step I am working on is thinking of myself as a whole person who has the desire and courage to return to living a life without thinking of…"
"Thank you bluebird for the kind words. That's a great idea to write to our friends. I still send Christmas cards, and birthday cards, but I should send a card once in awhile too. Thank you for the advice."
"I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It's good that you have your children and your sister-in-law, but no one can take the place of your husband. As far as your friends, it's quite possible that they just don't know…"
"Hi Elynn and Monty
I have this picture right by my computer. It really helped me accept the fact that I will never stop grieve fro my Husband. I find no comfort with family and Friends, just my sweet little dog Babie J."
"thank you Monty for your comments. I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say. I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends,…"
sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling.
My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone.
Luckily for me i have my sister…"