stephanie worley
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  • Altavista, VA
  • United States
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stephanie worley joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group
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Lost Without My Mom

My mom died, August 17, 2009 of an apparent heart attack from heart failure. Her doctors never told me how sick she was and so I was blown away and am heart sick and lost without her.
Feb 12, 2018
stephanie worley joined Karen's group
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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
Feb 12, 2018
stephanie worley is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Feb 12, 2018

Profile Information

About Me:
Right now, all i can say about myself is that I am heartbroken and paralyzed with grief from losing my mom, Feb 1st, 2018. 12 days of pain that I never imagined could be so agonizing.
About my Loss:
My Mom passed away 12 days ago from complications resulting from contracting the bacteria c-dff in her colon. She was diagnosed on December 28th, 2017 and everything went downhill rapidly. I am full of pain, anger, confusion right now. I feel that her death was unnecessary due to the bacteria not being treated aggressively enough despite the fact that she was getting NO better but worse, day by day. Mom had been in a nursing Home for 2 years recovering from a total hip replacement and pneumonia and she was in the initial first stages of dementia but that was minor. i live 2 minutes from the nursing home so mom came home with me weekly. we talked daily. She walked with a walker...she was not wheel chair bound or any limitations of that kind. Despite constantly questioning why mom seemed worse daily, it seemed NO ONE would listen to me! The third week into this illness, they finally granted my request and sent her to the ER. This is where the worse nightmare of my life began. We went from the ER to the next day making decisions about emergency surgery to remove her colon because she was now SEPTIC. She had Toxic Megacolon and her colon was going to rupture at any sec. She was put on life support, rushed to surgery to do a loop bowel and colostomy as well as a illeostomy. Mom had her eyes open for 2 days after surgery, squeezing my fingers, following simple commands and even mouthing "i love you too" every time I told her..."i love you Mom". The next day she coded in front of me, they revived her quickly but nothing improved in the slightest after that. She had multiple strokes, she was paralyzed on her left side, Her blood pressure was so low they had to keep her on a medication just to keep her blood pressure from plummeting. Her kidneys started to shut down. She was so swollen that her body was weeping fluids, through her skin....all of this was from becoming septic from the out of control c-diff. Her temp was 104-105. Her heart rate stayed high and B/P low. I watched my best friend fight this battle for 11 days before making the gut wrenching decision to remove the life support and let her go. The worse position I've ever been in in my life. The doctors gave her 0 chance of survival at this point. At 11:30pm, jan 31st, They turned off the drips, all but the ones to keep her comfortable. Then, They removed the ventilator. for 3 hours and one minute, my mom fought to stay alive. I held her in my arms and assured her that I would be ok, as long as my son as well, that she could let go and go Home with Jesus. I begged her to not suffer anymore. I could not stand seeing her struggle for every breath. Finally at 2:31 am, she let go. I remained on the pillow beside of her, I still could not bring myself to let go of her. The only peace i have is that she is finally reunited with my only sibling that died when he was 36, My dad, mom's brother, my grand parents.....I'm not a stranger to grief. BUT NO GRIEF HAS EVER FELT LIKE THIS ONE! I still hear her breathing whenever my surroundings are quiet. "the death rattle", that sound tortures me. I could keep writing but I am at a point of "the shakes" now so i will stop for the time. I just know that someone here must know how terrible i feel...i cant be the only one...i may be 41 years old but I will always want my Mama!! I miss you and love you Mama more than the world...until we meet again, save a place for me.

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Latest Activity

Virginia G replied to Pamela philipp's discussion Defeated
"I feel the same.  The website doesn’t help because we aren’t talking and around people in person.  That isn’t even enough when people are willing to talk and most don’t have time for me."
2 minutes ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed…"
3 hours ago
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Baby steps is such a good metaphor — I think when we’ve been traumatized by terrible loss, many of us lose our resilience, and basically have to baby ourselves, setting very tiny goals and challenges, slowly working our way forward.…"
13 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, it's hard for me to be positive about anything. I always feel like something bad is right around the corner. That's because every time I thought mom was safe and had cleared another hurdle, something else would go wrong. It's…"
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It's been a little bit since I shared but it seems like I'm just stuck, out of sync with everything included myself in a way.  It's been like one long endless day.  I don't know how to explain it even.  I'm…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, For some of us, we will always remain out of sync with the rest of world. We, like myself. live in our own universe."
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you are right that is the "dark" side, it scares me too That is so great about the phone call from the directors at the center, that must have made you feel like a million bucks.   You are making a positive impact, I know…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy."
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked…"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, it gives me such a lift to hear about your new gig — sounds perfect! Lucky kids too, great when they can connect with an adult who also makes them laugh.   Your comment re the spirit world app that Avi came across brought back a…"
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, things like that scare the crap out of me. I mean, how do you know that you are actually communicating with your mom, and not something bad? I believe that you may open yourself to something that may attach itself to you. That's just…"
Friday
Brenda Ann left a comment for Lisa
"Dear Lisa, I send you my heartfelt condolences as well as a welcome to our website. It is a safe place to come and talk or vent about your loss. Talking is very helpful in sorting out how to move forward. I would like to share a paragraph from what…"
Friday
P updated their profile
Friday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No we should not, God is the only communicator Avi, you are right. We should not disturb the deceased, they are in peace, it is us who are not in peace. I still struggle everyday, I just have come to recognize that this is my new life.  "
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, I m sure everyone on our forum had a very bad day. I just kept myself very busy all. Since I live in Florida and it is in the 70's I worked outside all day long. I feel Julian is with when I am outside. He knew I just loved the outdoors…"
Friday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Friends,  Few days back I came to know an app EquoVox which can help you communicate with your loved ones who are deceased. It seems be fake to me but have seen some videos on you tube people claiming its real. Did anybody on this group…"
Friday
Profile IconValerie Groh, diane, Lisa and 6 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, It is so true, my Julian and I celebrated everyday of our life together like you an Joseph. We were Blessed."
Thursday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, thank you for the post. The words ring very true. Today is Valentine’s Day, but fortunately for me, Joseph and I didn’t always celebrate on this day. We didn’t feel that we had to show our love and devotion on a specific day…"
Thursday
Linda Engberg left a comment for Lisa
"Welcome to Online Grief Support it is a great community."
Thursday

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