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November is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 21

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About Me:
Hello, I lost my Dad when I was 9 and my sister when I was 13 and almost lost Mom when I was 17. In Sept., 2018, Mom did pass away.
I grew up wondering who in my family was going to die next so I obsessed about death. Likely from being young when I lost my Dad and sister. It took me years and years to heal from my sister’s death especially. With Mom’s; because I’d always dreaded she’d be gone when I was still young, I was actually ready for. I looked at it like I was so thankful she’d been blessed with 30 more years than she would have had if she had not had the emergency heart surgery when she was 50. She did not see it that way exactly though and she didn’t want to die. She had cancer. She looked to me to help save her. I carry a tremendous amount of guilt. But that’s nothing compared to what she went through so I bear it as I should. One of the last things she said was that I shouldn’t have brought her to ‘that’ hospital, (The Hospice, where they only make you comfortable.) and that I should have kept her in the ‘other one’. (The regular hospital where they would have helped to treat her, but had advised me she was close to death and it was time to move her to Hospice to make her comfortable.). I never told her they had advised me she needed to be transferred there. She thought it was me. That I was just letting her die I guess?
Anyway, I’m here not about me but about my husband whose Mom died 7 years ago. He wasn’t religious then and was actually angry with God up until a year and a half ago. Now he’s completely obsessed and religious driven because he believes it’s the only way he’ll see his Mom again. Everything now is about God. We can’t have a conversation without God being referenced. It almost doesn’t feel or seem healthy. I feel like it’s more of a state of desperate bargaining that was delayed until now because he was very attached to her and can’t bear forever without her. I get that part. I do. But I feel like he’s placed himself into this warm bubble of rainbows and butterflies instead of accepting and really coping realistically. Btw-I was a part of the church way before him, so it’s not like I don’t understand the draw or the way it pulls you in and suddenly becomes the answer to everything. But as I got older, I became more of a realist.
I wouldn’t care what it was that helped him cope, except when it comes to our relationship, I don’t even know him anymore. It’s like being around the church Pastor ALL THE TIME. There’s no more balance.
I’m hoping to find others who can share thoughts and ideas or insight into such a situation?
Thanks for reading
About my Loss:
I lingered for years obsessed with my Dad and sister’s deaths and about death in general. Mom passed recently. I’m Ok. I’ve learned a lot through the journey.

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Latest Activity

M Adams commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"So sorry to hear of your experience with aphasia...how scary and awful! Don’t know if this is what you meant by almost comedic but there is definitely a nasty black humour vibe to inflicting that problem on a radio broadcaster of all people,…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"Thanks for checking in Mel.  I had to look up aphasia.  I would hazard a guess that your neural system has taken a beating from your grief and your brain just wants to shut down.  I know I have times where I stutter during a breakdown…"
yesterday
morgan left a comment for Susan Bishop
"Susan B,  I am so sorry.  To try and live without that person who was by your side for 52 years is a living nightmare.  I had 35 married years but 55 of knowing him (since second grade).  That much history buries the person left…"
yesterday
dream moon JO B posted photos
Saturday
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"not bean a grt wk on pepple passin i no plu  plus near dads anvers 10 or 9 daysi am i no its bean 8 yrs "
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Bluebird, Thanks for your kind post. I feel the same as you about getting another pet. No other dog could ever take her place and no man could ever take the place of My Dear Husband, Julian. As with you, I don't want to face anymore deaths…"
Saturday
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Dark Night and Day of the Soul

Hello Morgan, Bluebird, Linda at al. I'm sorry it has been so awfully long since my last contact.  A Year? I have always read the posts, though and have felt the same horrible burning pain I have the last, nearly 5 years since Nancy left me. I have had a couple of tia's including a lengthy bout of "aphasia". It was almost comedic as I couldn't talk but kept trying to tell the emt's which hospital to drop me at. This year, I have come to the concludion will be my year, 2020 will be the year I…See More
Saturday
Susan Bishop is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same as both of you. morgan, I'm sorry you had a particularly bad day -- I certainly know what that's like. I hope today is easier for you. Linda, I know what you mean about your dog. When our cat died, aside from the sadness I…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I just wish I could have died with Julian. Like you, everyday I just go through motions. I am blessed with my Sweet Dog, Babie J. I am living for her. She now has dementia and it is so sad to watch her declining. She has been by side…"
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Amen Linda.......Today for whatever reason was a particularly rough day.  I am exhausted from crying.   I just don't know how long I can keep pushing forward.  I am definitely in the hate mode......."
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do. looking back I feel you…"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm  is I’m ready to go I am not…"
Friday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding.…"
Friday
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Over the years I have thought that Bluebird gets it much more than almost everyone who has written about this - at least from my point of view. At the root of this, I think, it's the absence of their presence that hurts so much.  I…"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.  I…"
Thursday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit."
Thursday
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"
Thursday

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