"i've been in NC now, for a lil over three weeks. i just got back from the tree lighting/holiday parade for the community here, and i had a really tough time. All i had to do was sit down and Shelby's death hit me all over…"
"About four days left here in Canada, for me. My current husband knows of all my feelings regarding my need to get back to North Carolina, so i can try to reconnect with my son, and visit with my grandson--make sure he's safe and doing…"
Sara's dad's girfriend called me and read off a list of songs they want to play during the memorial. All were good and I added Stairway to Heaven. I also wanted to make sure that Over the Rainbow by IZ was on there. I have played it so many times that I know it by heart. Her dad is doing the eulegy and giving those who want a chance to say something the time to do that. I want to speak but dont know how I will feel then. I hurt more than I thought I did. Thiss is so painful.
Hospice has been so helpful. Sara is now on Morphine and is finally in no pain. She is resting comfortabely and able to sleep. It is now just a matter of time as her organs have begun to start going into failure. The wait is tortuous. I think I have been blocking out the pain and I feel like I might crumble soon. I want to thank you for your support and comfort.
Thank you Laura. I am on an anti depressant and have anxiety pills that I only take when absolutly necessary. I too am not a religious person but I am a spirtual one. I send you my prayers, love, and light.
Hi Laura, I thank you for your concern and am sorry that it took so long to ger back to you. I am sorry for your pain as well. The meeting with Hospice went as well as could be expected. Sara's dad and stepmother were there as well as myself and my son. They are going to make it as comfortable as they can and have several people involved in her care. We were told that at this point her organs have begun to shut down but they give us no timeframe. I am grateful for Hospice as they are a wonderful organization. Sara too was so far into her addictions that no one could help her. When she had that final asthma attack her lungs were so tight that the medics could not get a tube down for oxygen to go in. We were told that the drugs that she took that night made it impossible for her to get through it as the drugs caused such as they depressed of body and the ability for her body to take the attack. When it happened she screamed for me and I went to her she was trying to breathe with her breathing machine and wasn't getting any air. She said I'm dying, I'm dying and and I had already called 911. Then she looked at me and told me she loved me and fell into my arms. The squad got there then and they couldn't revive her. They started chest compressions and kept it up all the way to the hospital which allowed a tiny bit of air into her lungs but she was basically without oxygen for over ten minutes. They still have her on a ventiator and a feeding tube. As far as brain activity, she is still in the coma and cannot get by without the vent and feeding tube. She can't see and probably can't hear. I know that hearing is the last sense to go but there is no sign of her hearing. Her organs are shutting down but I don't know how long it will take until she goes. I have be mourning since the day it happened and now I feel like I am stone. I have panic attacks all of the time. I don't know why I feel like it's not real. Everyone says I am so strong but I'm not. Thank you for listening to me and for being interested.
Hey Laura, you are welcome. I didn't write it but I found it on another site. When I first found it, I printed copies and handed them out to many people I knew.....especially the ones that kept asking me if I was "ok" or over my son yet!
Hi Laura, I'm off to meet with Hospice and I am scared. I know it will be okay but I am nervous. I do have a list of questions for them so I will know better as to what to expect. Just wanted to update you and I will let you know what happened later.
We have already had expert after expert and they all say that she just wouldn't be there. If they could strap her into a chair she would not be able to function, think, talk or do anything pertaining to any form of life. She is just a shell of her former self. She is wasting away as she is so thin and has lost so much weight. It has come down for me that I want to let her go mercifully. He dad struggles with this. He doesn't want her to have to go on like this but he has a hard time with finallity. He says, and he is right, that she would not want this. She was without oxygen for over ten minutes and just isn't there. She would never come back in any form. We will talk with Hospice tomorrow and I have a list of questions for them. I am sure this will help. I do know that if we took her off of the ventilator she would have to be moved to another facility as the nuring home she is in doesn't do that. But that's not really here nor there. You have quickly become a blessing to me.
Thank you Laura for your compassionate comment. No, there is no greater pain than losing a child. My daughter, Sara, has no chance of recovery at all. I have been grieving since this happened on Dec. 15, 2013. There is very little or no brain activity at all. Hospice is meeting with the family tomorrow to discuss our options. I am scared even thought I know what is best for Sara. I will be praying for you.
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