I'm 31 yrs old. I identify as a straight male however I am ftm. I have a beautiful wife and two step children.
About my Loss:
My mother passed away just over three years ago. My mother was very sick. My mother was diagnosed with a familial disease called Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. She needed a double lung and heart transplant. At the time she was diagnosed she was already too sick to transplant. My mom lived ten years with her disease surpassing the estimated 4-6. My aunts and uncles/long time family friend's tell me my mother in her life just never caught a break. She lived through many unfortunate circumstances. She was a fighter, she was petite with the heart and temper of a lion. My mother stumbled a few times in life, as her Cubs we did feel the impact of each trip... While young and without understanding, while battling my way through a foster care system I felt confusion, sadness and resentment. As I grew older and having experienced personal tribulations of my own, with a grateful tone I found forgiveness and I mean the kind that lifts that weight from your shoulders. I was able to express it to my mother and take that weight once and for all off of her. The last four years of her life we became more close then ever before. She knew how much I loved her. I lived a distance from her and having started my own family I was not there the way I wish I would have been. There are many stories but ultimately Bim currently dealing with an incredibly, debilitating at times, horrific amount of guilt. I feel I know the common conception of her not wanting me to feel this way and that she wouldn't have wanted me to stop living ... There are no healing words thus far that eliminates what I'm feeling. Combined with experiencing her traumatic in hospital passing.. I have found myself to have slid down a slope into a whirling cloudy chaotic funnel of emotions and behaviors that I now present as my life. Common feelings of no one understanding and intense ups and downs are regular. I watched some videos on YouTube on grief and got the idea to join a group where ppl may relate on one level or another and so here I am. My ears, mind and heart are here if I am ever sought by someone else. Thoughts are with everyone here. Thanks for having me.
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"Today, I feel it.
It has been like this every Saturday since June, since the nurse at the care home called me to notify me that I could pick up my mother's effects. My mother died in April.
I am overwhelmed.
I am crushed.
I love you, Mom. I…"
"Sixteen weeks ago today, my mother died.
For some reason, I do not feel crushed today.
But every Friday is going to be like this, a reminder that she is dead. Not quite the kick in the stomach reminder that she is dead that I feel when I wake up…"
Carla is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
"Yes, it is much harder for me to concentrate or focus now. Grief, sadness, anger, despair -- they have all conspired to make it difficult for me to access my intelligence to the same degree as before my husband died. That is, my…"
"Bluebird, I am glad that you took that the right way. I had a feeling you would know what I meant. And your description is correct: I have a general idea of how you feel but it's impossible for me or anyone else to know…"
"I guess I can emphasize with the things you loved to do dying with the one you loved - as if that feeling has been pulled along, stretched thin to behind the veil. You don't have the energy to pursue them anymore, and just having something that…"
"Please don't apologize; I'm sorry I didn't respond to your last post in April, I'm not very good about keeping up with things anymore.
I don't feel that I'm moving forward at all, but I can see how that would work…"