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About my Loss:
I lost my Dad! He was the love of my life. I spoke to him daily and feel such emptiness without him. He was a "True Dad" His number one priority was his family. The hardest working man I have ever known. My parents were pedestrians who were knocked down by a car whilst crossing a road. My Mum was ok but my Dad suffered severe head injuries and was placed on life support for 24 hours until doctors decided his brain was not working anymore. We were all by his side and I listened to his heart beat as he lay there.
Words cannot describe the unconditional love and support he gave me through my life. He was my best friend and I have cried everyday since he was taken. A daughters first love is her Dad and nothing compares. I have such a void in my life and heart. I miss him deeply.

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My friends on this site

Just in case I don't get to speak to any of you before Christmas, I just wanted to say I hope you can all find some support, friendship or comfort during the holidays. It is my first without my Dad, so I know how tough this is going to be. I am grateful for all of you whom I have found on here and who have talked and given such wonderful support over these past 9 months. I am glad we can share and help one another. We are all on a journey that may last the rest of our lives, but to have made…


Posted on December 21, 2016 at 5:24am

First Christmas

Can anyone please share their experience with me of their first Christmas without their loved one? Or if this is your first too, how are you feeling? I am getting very anxious and definitely overwhelmed just thinking about it. Someone said, just think of it as any other day - you will miss them just the same so don't put pressure on yourself to feel any different that day. I understand this but Christmas was a big deal to me so I know I am going to be hurting. My Dad always text me first and…


Posted on December 5, 2016 at 9:18am — 4 Comments

So Unfair!

8 months ago today my heart shattered into so many pieces. I know I will never be the same again. The worst part is, I feel more pain for him. He is the one that has gone. He is missing moments and memories. HE DESERVED SO MUCH MORE FROM LIFE! How is this fair?

Posted on November 19, 2016 at 4:36am — 3 Comments

Taking care of family

Looking after the rest of my family since my Dad has gone is so hard. I am having to meet with the Police Liaison Officer so I can talk about how I feel. I love my family dearly but the weight of taking care of everyone is so draining. I do it for my Dad but I know he would tell me to look after my self too. They don't take advantage of me or anything like that but I am just the person people come to for help and advice and I want to support them. I think they all think I am strong and…


Posted on November 1, 2016 at 6:29am — 1 Comment

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At 5:31pm on January 10, 2017, kathleen akin said…

Thank you Kenna for your words. I'm doing a bit better the last few days. I know it will be an up and down ride and I will have bad days ahead of me. It helps to write things down and know the people who read my words understand so well.

At 4:59am on December 22, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Kenna, How are you coping? The first Christmas is always the worst. Some may equal that as well. I've not been doing good the past few weeks. The past few days have been horrendous. As it has been for you. My thoughts are with you. hugggs. xx Last Christmas I closed myself off from what few friends I have. Whether or not it was how I felt, or the actions of my friends. I'm not sure. They seemed to hurt a lot and I don't get angry, I take that hurt and turn it inwards. That takes my mood down quite badly. This year is getting to be much the same. Only this time I really tried to boost myself up. Your messages of support also helped. Due to circumstances genuinly beyond my control. Christmas day will be spent on my own. I've been very tearful the past few days and it is bringing me down, despite trying so hard to be positive. Nothing seems to be working. The loved ones I have lost seem to be on my mind much more than normal. What I mean is that the main person was Carol. Now everyone I have lost is uppermost in my mind. I hope you are coping but my senses tell me different. The memories, the loss, the pain and the time of year. All add to the mix of grieving. Sending you the biggest, hugggs possible. Take care and don't hide your emotions. hugggs, xxx

At 10:01am on December 21, 2016, Vivien Cowley said…

Hello Kenna,

Well Christmas is approaching ever nearer and the pain just gets worse and worse. I've been to the cemetery today to leave some plaques I've bought for Mum and Dad, no pressies this year, and it was very painful, but I spoke to them, told them I loved them as ever and wished them a Merry Chtstmas and bade them 'night night, God bless'.  The pain is overwhelming at times.

When I smelt the putty smell Kenna, it didn't upset me, I was just in awe because I felt beloved Dad was near to me.  Just wish I could have seen him.

The longing to see them and hold them is tremendous isn't it? Do you know what I think Kenna, I think that I am walking around feeling this wind on my face and breathing in this air and my Mum and Dad aren't and it doesn't seem right, how on earth can they not be here ????  It's the hardest thing I've EVER had to live through and I know nothing will every be as painful again in my entire life.

People who still have their parents quite simply do not know how lucky they are, it's a precious gift and one we sadly take for granted and then it's gone forever.  So very, very sad.

Let's think about each other on Christmas Day Kenna and try and find some strength in that.

Regards - Viv xx



At 10:51am on December 15, 2016, Vivien Cowley said…

Hi Kenna - I have just read your post to me and you seem to feel exactly as I do over Dad's loss (and my Mum's).  Losing them is an empty ache that just goes on and on and on and gets worse because Christmas (a family time) is coming.  Sadly, I never dream about them and would love to, but the other night Kenna, I suddenly had a strong smell of putty and it lasted for a few minutes.  Beloved Dad was a plumber and he always had a smell of putty about him after work !!  Was his spirit around - I like to think so ....

Christmas for me this year will be hell (not so sure about next year either), I will cope as best as I can, but I know Mum's loss will be felt very keenly by me on that day and the thought scares me somewhat, I suspect you will be feeling the same about your Dad.  Wouldn't it be LOVELY Kenna if they could come back and spend it with us and we could hug and kiss them again and tell them that we love them.  No loving Christmas hugs this year.  I'm devastated and I know you are too.

Good to know we're not alone.

Viv xxx


At 3:16pm on December 13, 2016, kathleen akin said…

I have wondered about that too Kenna, that if I have to be forced to act "happy" like at work, do people then assume I'm over Rocky's death. I have no choice but to act happy or I could lose my job. I work in a counseling center, with counselors who you would think would be a bit understanding, but they are not. At all.

I don't know what I would do if I had people telling me to get a life right now. I'm coming onto 9 months since Rocky died. I don't know if I could ever get on with it, get over it, or whatever.

What is wrong with people???

Thank you for your kind words of support. I hope you know I support you in return and understand the things you say. I get what you say. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know now, but that is the way my life has gone. Rocky is the first death, but I've had so many losses in my life. I wonder if they will ever stop.

At 9:03am on December 13, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

Kenna, had some pc problems. I was saying that I don't like people telling me what Carol would have liked. Simply because they really don't know what your Dad would think. No one ever knows what is in the mind of another. We may think we do but in reality we don't. One thing for sure is that our loved one's would wish us a happy and fullfilled life. They would leave it to our own decisions what we want in life. I know by your messages that you loved your Dad like I loved mine and still do. This time of year is always painfull, no matter how hard we try. The memories, the hurt, the loss. It can envelope us so much that life around us doesn't exist. That's alright to feel that way. I think it's a coping mechanism. Then we take a day at a time, sometimes a minute, an hour or a few hours at a time. It is so nice being able to talk to you honestly. I don't talk to anyone about my inner feelings of loss. As much as I love my friends, they would only say, it's time you got a life again. At least in my own thoughts, in my own space, I can feel low or happy or somewhere in between without having to pretend everything is alright. People do try to be kind, they really do but if they haven't lost anyone, then they will have no idea about loss of someone we love. It is a very special place to be. It is reality, pure reality. Sending you a huge gentle caring hugggg, JohnSorry

At 8:51am on December 13, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

wqHi Kenna, strange how life has so many turns and twists. We don't know from one minute to the next what will happen. That's a good thing. Or we may change the time line and according to science that could change entire societies. I spoke to Carol on the Friday night and she asked me to give her the biggest hugg ever. Which I did. She knew something was wrong but I don't think she knew it was that bad. Each day even now is like a roller coaster. Yesterday I fell into a real low, for no apparant reason. Then again I have and will feel low. Usually for a reason. You may find you are hyper sensitive after your dad's passing. I have. People say things and I feel so low. Sometimes it is hurtful things they have said and I don't ever get angry. I take the hurt inwardly. I know your Dad is watching you and not for one second does he think you don't still love him. That love is forever and unconditional. I can tell that in your emails. Love is a very special thing and there are different kinds of love. Parental love, relationship love, brother and sisterly love, friends love and many more. I have a close friend, we met at university about 10 years ago. She is a sweetheart honestly. We've shared so much since we met. She just broke up with her boyfriend. We have a special hug. We can hugg for any length of time and the world could collapse around us, we wouldn't notice it happening. The hug is pure friendship love. It is just so special. Yet she too can hurt without meaning it. I again take it to heart. Only since my girlfriend died. A loss has effects that don't seem apparant right away. There is a Country song called "Somedays are diamonds, somedays are stone". A guy called Bobby Bear sang it and John Denver wrote it. He also sings it as well but I prefer the Bobby Bear version. It really tells it as it is for me. You will miss your Dad forever, till you meet him again. Please forgive this part. People use things like "your dad wouldn't like you to feel this way, or your dad would like you

to live life!

At 6:01pm on December 8, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Kenna, my apologies, I replied to your post but it's nowhere to be In cyber space I can't imagine how you and your Mum feel. To go through a trial and as you said, to bring the past right to the present. Has to be extremely harrowing and hurtful. It's also the suddenness of the loss as well. My girlfriend Carol died because of carelessness in a wound clinic she was attending. She caught a cross contamination superbug and was gone within 3 days. The clinic was closed pending an investigation. That was nearly 3 and a half years ago and the clinic is still closed, no investigation. I will write more tomorrow. Take care and keep remembering your dad. I know you will. Try to remember a good thing about him at least once a day and smile. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Honestly it does. Love and hugggs, John xxxx


At 10:47am on December 8, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

As always Kenna, I look forward to our messages. I'm only too willing to help you as much as I can. Sadly none of my friends actualy met Carol, she lived in Canada. She couldn't travel because of some health issues. My friends knew of her though. My African grey parrot called Barney definitly knew her. He is beginning to ask more every day to talk to her. We spoke on skype for often over 6 hours a day, no joking. I flew out there as often as I could to be with her. We made plans to go to Floriday via train as she couldn't fly or drive. Perhaps it was a dream that we both had. We were laughing about not being able to get her wheelchair on the beach and I found out there were special wheelchairs for hire that were able to travel on the beach no I kept a diary after she died and a few months ago, I lost everything on my pc. Then I read a post on here and it made me think very deeply about what I was writing. It could have hurt some people and that was something I could never do. Maybe in a way it was good that it was lost. I have started a new diary but with much more thoughtfulness. I can't come close to imagining how you and your mum feel. Carol died from a cross contamination superbug. She caught it from a wound clinic she was attending. The clinic was closed, pending an investigation. That investigation never happened, or ever will. I genuinly believe in signs and signals from our loved ones. Last night I got a scent of perfume but it wasn't familiar. Then I got the smell of pipe tobacco. I hadn't got that ever before. That is so important to keep your memories of your dad alive. They will live with you forever, some may fade with time but the important ones will always be there. Just thinking of nice things now and then bring a smile. I wish I had recdorded my mum singing. She had such a wonderful voice. She used to sing on stage. I guess that's where I get my voice from. lol Till that event happened to me, I had never experienced such a phenomenon, even after my brother's passing, or my mum or dad. They were probably there but I didn't realise what they were. It's only looking back I can recall specific things happening. Not sure if I said but I often get the smell of Heinz tomato soup and a particular brand of tobacco smoke. Something very special and comforting. The down side is that I like everyone want more of the signs. That's the best we can hope for. They'll be too busy No matter what Kenna, stick to your guns and never let anyone tell you to snap out of it or pull yourself together. Although they are only trying to help, they aren't. Love and hugggs, John xxxxx

At 7:44am on December 7, 2016, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Kenna, you are more than welcome and your words help more than you can imagine. My words are sincere, genuine and from my heart. I am very honest and empathetic. Sometimes I wish the world was like me, not in anarrigant way of course. To accept people for who they are. that is so important to me and never, ever to judge anyone. No one has that right to. I can tell from your words that your Dad knows just how much you love him. There is also nothing wrong with telling him again. I'm certain he will hear you. No reason for him not to listen to his daughter. Love goes beyond death, far beyond it. I knew Carol loved me and I her, that's why she sent those signs. Just to reassure me that she is alright. It's been a long time since I had any messages from her and I might never get one again. I know we loved each other and that is the important thing. I chatted again last night with her friend Jackie, who lived in the next town to Carol. She is a lovely person and my connection to Carol. I can't imagine what you are going through with the person pleading not guilty. That is dragging out the grieving process for you and your mum. Here are more special huggggs, I'll be here for you and that's a promise. xxxxxxx hugggs



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