38, male. Struggle through life. Lucky to have happier people around me to help me try be happier
About my Loss:
Found out my dad who never wanted to see me or my sister and hadn't seen him for 30 years dies 5 years ago. I always deep down thought he would make at least one more attempt to say hello and give me the chance to meet myn'dad' and help me relieve some of the hurt I felt every day in the back of my mind. I always put a mask on to deter anyone from thinking it bothered me and I've always made out I don't need to meet him or know about him ever again. But I've recently been trying to find him and it's been impossible, he's kept himself hidden well. In one off phone call my sister caught him by surprise 25 years ago and to me he said he was going to come and meet me within 2 weeks. He never ever rang us or came to visit. When my nephew searched and searched online he found his death certificate and told my mum who called me while I was out. I knew this day would one day come and I knew it wouldn't be as easy as I had admitted to myself, but I have never felt so instantly broken. All the years of wondering why he didn't want to see me or even just check up on me and say hi, then3 or 4 times he took us out when I was 4 or 5 replaying in a weird movie flashback type dreams, the birthday cards clearly written in his mothers handwriting but scribbled in a way to copy his signature , plus a whole mix of mind twisting thoughts . I feel anxious because I didn't know him and part of me thinks he would be saying shut up you've no right to be sad you're not really my son I left you for a reason, and others will think oh that's alright at least it won't be as sad as if you knew him, and I don't like to seem like I'm attention seeking and being a grief junkie, so I feel like I'm in a small bubble and No one I know will now how much I'm hurting right now because I don't even have a grave to visit I don't or didn't have a funeral to attend as part of a moving on process and no one apart from
Other boys without dads will ever imagine how secretly gutted it feels that someone never wanted to say hello to their kid even for their sake , the kids that is, mine, and now I never will. I can't move on I'm still a little boy inside waiting for that email or letter or phone call to put a
Face to the mystical fictional character with such great significance that's had no influence ever other than the absence itself which is kind of ironic how powerful something that never was there can be.
After my mum told me I remained calm as I'd like I've always said oh ok oh well not bothered like, I stood in a street completely numb with my hands shaking and my insides being ripped open. He became a real person in some way when mum said
Sentence contains real actual news on my father. And the fact no one told us and it's been 5 years is another middle finger sign to me and my sister because someone out there surely would know about us like his sister or even his 2 other children he had since abandoning us, would a good compassionate person not feel that where as it wasn't their business to contact his children when he was alive if he didn't want to, surely once he died it would be considerate and appropriate to inform us. Because who is dumb enough to think although sad it would at least stop us from wondering about him. I'm really down and I'm really gutted he never said hello and I'm really angry he never gave me the chance to shake hands with my dad and see what he looked at and I never will and I don't know how I'm ever going to be at piece with that. Sorry for a long winded message.
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