James davis
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James davis is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 12, 2017

Profile Information

About Me:
38, male. Struggle through life. Lucky to have happier people around me to help me try be happier
About my Loss:
Found out my dad who never wanted to see me or my sister and hadn't seen him for 30 years dies 5 years ago. I always deep down thought he would make at least one more attempt to say hello and give me the chance to meet myn'dad' and help me relieve some of the hurt I felt every day in the back of my mind. I always put a mask on to deter anyone from thinking it bothered me and I've always made out I don't need to meet him or know about him ever again. But I've recently been trying to find him and it's been impossible, he's kept himself hidden well. In one off phone call my sister caught him by surprise 25 years ago and to me he said he was going to come and meet me within 2 weeks. He never ever rang us or came to visit. When my nephew searched and searched online he found his death certificate and told my mum who called me while I was out. I knew this day would one day come and I knew it wouldn't be as easy as I had admitted to myself, but I have never felt so instantly broken. All the years of wondering why he didn't want to see me or even just check up on me and say hi, then3 or 4 times he took us out when I was 4 or 5 replaying in a weird movie flashback type dreams, the birthday cards clearly written in his mothers handwriting but scribbled in a way to copy his signature , plus a whole mix of mind twisting thoughts . I feel anxious because I didn't know him and part of me thinks he would be saying shut up you've no right to be sad you're not really my son I left you for a reason, and others will think oh that's alright at least it won't be as sad as if you knew him, and I don't like to seem like I'm attention seeking and being a grief junkie, so I feel like I'm in a small bubble and No one I know will now how much I'm hurting right now because I don't even have a grave to visit I don't or didn't have a funeral to attend as part of a moving on process and no one apart from
Other boys without dads will ever imagine how secretly gutted it feels that someone never wanted to say hello to their kid even for their sake , the kids that is, mine, and now I never will. I can't move on I'm still a little boy inside waiting for that email or letter or phone call to put a
Face to the mystical fictional character with such great significance that's had no influence ever other than the absence itself which is kind of ironic how powerful something that never was there can be.
After my mum told me I remained calm as I'd like I've always said oh ok oh well not bothered like, I stood in a street completely numb with my hands shaking and my insides being ripped open. He became a real person in some way when mum said
Sentence contains real actual news on my father. And the fact no one told us and it's been 5 years is another middle finger sign to me and my sister because someone out there surely would know about us like his sister or even his 2 other children he had since abandoning us, would a good compassionate person not feel that where as it wasn't their business to contact his children when he was alive if he didn't want to, surely once he died it would be considerate and appropriate to inform us. Because who is dumb enough to think although sad it would at least stop us from wondering about him. I'm really down and I'm really gutted he never said hello and I'm really angry he never gave me the chance to shake hands with my dad and see what he looked at and I never will and I don't know how I'm ever going to be at piece with that. Sorry for a long winded message.

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Latest Activity

Libbie H posted a status
"What are you up to?"
1 hour ago
Libbie H posted a status
"My Life stopped the day JESUS took you home. I've tried to find joy. Happy 35th anniversary honey! Third one without you. Heartbroken!"
2 hours ago
Billy Jo Colt commented on Ginger's blog post Can't let go
"Hi Ginger, your loss is so natural. Why should you let go? Don't let go. Keep your memories forever of her. You will never forget her no matter what happens. You are embarking on a journey of many emotions. Most come to terms with their loss.…"
5 hours ago
Maxey replied to Maxey's discussion Has Not Happened in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks, Joe.  I appreciate you describing your experience during your accident.  It gives me hope that there really is something after this life.  My greatest hope which keeps me going and half way sane is that we will be joined again…"
6 hours ago
Alice Thompson replied to Maxey's discussion Has Not Happened in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Maxey, Thanks for your honesty, and I feel the same. Personally, I hate it when people say it is our choice, to look forwards or back, etc, partly because that sounds like they are blaming the bereaved for feeling sad and missing their loves, and…"
6 hours ago
Marjorie Willcox replied to Maxey's discussion Has Not Happened in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Maxey, How I feel for you and can empathise so much.I ask myself that question How can we have been loved & cherished all those years and then be expected to move on within our lives. I too read inspirational stuff & have a psychiatric…"
8 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Maxey, You don't need to shape up Maxey, because I know I never will."
8 hours ago
Ginger commented on Karen's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Today is 1 month and 1 day that my daughter passed away from cancer and I miss her every day, so much so that I won't put her picture away because I don't want to forget her."
8 hours ago
JessesMom updated their profile
8 hours ago
joe kelly replied to Maxey's discussion Has Not Happened in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Maxie, Word for word I could have written what you did.  I've have the very same thoughts, all of them that you have.  I feel the same way.  I wish I could give you some positive outlook but I can't.  My wife died…"
9 hours ago
Marjorie Willcox and Maria panettieri are now friends
9 hours ago
Maria panettieri commented on Marjorie Willcox's blog post Loss of my husband
"I know your pain , my husband and I were like Siamese twins, we were on a holiday in Italy when I woke up to find him dead beside me. My whole world has fallen down , he was and still is the live of my life. I guess this is the ultimate price one…"
10 hours ago
Maxey added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...

Has Not Happened

Hi, everyone,I have been going to a grief group since I felt I needed some direction to "get a life".The leader is a great guy and has some wisdom that for the moment I consider.  He told us that it is our choice of how we spend the rest of our lives without our loves.  We can either look forward or backward.  Well, it all sounds good until I get home to an empty house, an empty life, no friends I really like, a family who thinks I am doing "better", and a husband who is gone.  All the things…See More
10 hours ago
Maxey commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi,  i have'nt been around for a while.  I had the ridiculous notion that over time I would get better, but that has not happened.  I think, if anything, I am getting a bit "insane" thinking of how meaningless my life…"
11 hours ago
joe kelly replied to joe kelly's discussion In agony in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you for sharing Sharon and sorry you lost you're true love, best friend and lover.  What I'm finding out is that everyone wants to fix me somehow, just like when you went for therapy.  From what I read and hear is that we…"
13 hours ago
Profile IconDonna Decker, JessesMom, Kare scarpine and 9 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
15 hours ago
Linda Engberg replied to joe kelly's discussion In agony in the group Lost My Spouse...
"To all my friends, all we can do is try to put one foot in front of the other, when we wake up to another day. "
17 hours ago
Sharon Stolp replied to joe kelly's discussion In agony in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello Joe. I am so teribly sorry for the loss of your beloved. My dear husband died 2 years ago. Unlike your wife he would never go to the doctor, just worked 6/7 days a week waiting for the day he could retire. He died 2 weeks before his 64th…"
18 hours ago
Debbie Lynn Hallstrom joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group

Multiple Losses Group

I am creating this site for the many of us who have suffered several losses. I lost my mom, dad, grandma(2nd mom), grandpa, my beloved dog and divorce.Many of us have lost more than one person or event.Come share!See More
Sharon Jane Sikich joined Katherine Ellis's group

Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More

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