Jacqueline R
  • Female
  • Ankeny, IA
  • United States
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Jacqueline R is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Dec 5, 2017

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About my Loss:
Lost my mother to cancer on November 11 2017. I feel like a part of me died with her. I feel when I’m not crying is because I go like in a denial state until someone bring it up or said sorry for your lost. That hurts so much that my chest aches like if I’m having a heart problem I feel this hole and keep trying to wake up myself up from this nightmare. I’m on my late 30s but had my mom living with me. I go into her room as I used to go to say good morning and check on her I keep doing the routine like she’s still here I go and open the closet and hug her clothes because they still smell like her I look for signs like if the blanket gets a wrinkle or something on the bed that makes me think she’s here omg I feel so crazy and no one close understand my pain. It’s been 3 weeks and I still feel like to histerically cry and scream like that day at the hospital after seeing the doctors in the ICU trying to bring her back to life after her heart stop. Why they didn’t take me out why they let me watch is something I can’t forget and think over and over ! Is something no one should experience cause u will carry that image forever! I just don’t know how to learn to live with her ! I talk to her everyday everywhere cause I believe now she can go with me everywhere and people just give me the look when they seee me talking alone I know crazy right. I hate when people ask me what are my plans for the holidays are you kidding me ?! No one understands!! That’s why I’m here in this website reading other people experiences and feelings to remind me I’m not the only one. I also feel so angry at God I know I shouldn’t but I feel like to never go back to church. This changed me forever and I don’t know how to feel myself again.

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Latest Activity

Christopher replied to Pamela philipp's discussion FAILING in the group Lost My Spouse...
"You had half your soul ripped out... basically. Of course you're going to struggle. Most folks just don't get that because they are still fine. They have not been so deeply wounded and have nothing to compare your struggle to. When I…"
1 hour ago
Christopher joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
1 hour ago
Christopher joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have a rollercoaster. Some days I am fine alone, others I simply need a wife to love on and make stuff for and ask her opinion. That's just how it is. I don't get a choice and folks who constantly tell me "get over it, it's…"
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have the same experience and have talked to others who experience likewise, so it's a general fact regardless of age or gender. That's just how it goes. We'll be here, off and on. Hopefully."
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have to look forward or I just want to lay down and die. My son needs a dad. He needs a mom too but I can't find a woman who will step up and do that for him. She died when he was 5 so he didn't know her well. He has not had a mom since…"
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"Make something new. Marvel at it.Do it again. Repeat as necessary. It helps."
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"Just got here. Widowed at age 28. It took 18 hours from healthy wife to no more wife. That was nearly 8 years ago. She wanted me to move on and I wanted the same for her if I went first... strange that we had the conversation mere months before her…"
1 hour ago
Christopher posted a status
"Need a wife, preferably one that has a place and isn't a workaholic. It's time to start again. No more loneliness."
2 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The dr from the hospital talked to my therapist.  I didn’t get any more answers.  I am convinced they gave up on her and since I did nothing, I’ll never know if she could have been helped.  I can’t fathom why I acted…"
2 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I feel for you Brett if you are fighting all this alone. A big hug from India.  Last few days were really guilt stricken for me as I was at my hometown and all memories of my mother's treatment were refreshed and it really pains.  I…"
4 hours ago
Profile IconKim and Joeann joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
8 hours ago
morgan and Crystal Parker are now friends
15 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It only rains here when I want to go to the pool. I am worried about Bluebell as well. I think she would have chimed in by now if she was feeling well. I had a selfish moment today. I actually have a lot of those. I was at the store and I started…"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everyone is doing well still have not heard from Bluebell it’s raining here today I hate weekends when it rains very depressing and boring hope to hear from everyone soon"
yesterday
M Adams left a comment for Shari Darling
"Dear Shari, strange, I had and continue to have similar problems regarding what to say about myself in this context, but somehow I stumbled here after my husband's death and it has been helpful.  Just reading of bereaved people's…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, As you always do in your posts, you take the words right out of my mouth.  Linda"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Before this nightmare I myself would never have imagined how debilitating the loss of a spouse is. Tracy B 2014 I thought I would be able to focus on my career to help me heal, but I don't even like going to work any more. At home, I can't…"
yesterday
Shari Darling updated their profile
yesterday
Profile IconShari Darling, Christopher and Tara Gibson joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday

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