Diane Barnard
  • Female
  • Oak Lawn Illinois
  • United States
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Diane Barnard and William Gardener are now friends
Sep 29
Diane Barnard is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Dec 12, 2020

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About Me:
I am a 60 year old single woman, with 3 adult children. My Wonderful Daughter lives with me. She will be 20 on the 26th of Dec. I am 150% depressed and I am at a loss. I don't know why I am still here, yet, two people I love, and have been a giant light in my life are gone. My life is at a standstill and I am holding on my a very thin thread. My Daughter, is the only Light in my life now. I have 2 other Grandchildren (that I know about) who my Daughter and I aren't a part of their lives. My 26 year old son, who cheated, has the 2 that are soon to be 3 and one is 1 & 1&1/2 years old. I have seen the 3 year old since her first Birthday party. I haven't met the 1&1/2 year old. They live 10-15 minutes away from us. Because my son cheated, he and the woman, got pregnant. This baby, Hazel, was born in August 2019. I found out about her and her Mommy, Ashtin, on Facebook, by a stranger who messaged me and sent me a picture of Hazel, last November, 2019. I was given the Mommy's name and facebook page. I reached out to Ashtin and that is how we met and started a wonderful, great relationship. She came to our home in January 2020, with the baby, who was tested, and Is my Granddaughter. My son's girlfriend found out about the other woman, and she and my son cut my Daughter and I out of their lives because we wanted to be in a relationship with my Grandbaby Hazel and her Mommy, and Mommy has another Daughter that lived with her, just turned 11. My bright Lights, we, became close, and though because of the Coronavirus, we didn't see each other so often. Plus, almost 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with Glaucoma in both of my eyes. I have the disease and going blind is the only outcome. I no longer have a car, so I depend on my Daughter and my roommate to take me places I need to go. My Daughter and roommate work. Ashtin worked so going to where they live in another town, about 25 minutes away wasn't easy for me to get to without the help of my Daughter. But every week, multiple times a week, Ashtin and I texted, and she sent me pictures and videos of Hazel, frequently, every week. My oldest son, just started talking to me in September 2020. He stopped talking to me in January 2020. His (now ex) girlfriend is the first person who told me about this other woman and that she was pregnant and that my 26 year old son worked with her. My 26 year old son got upset when he learned about my 30 year old son's (now ex) girlfriend told me and so he stopped talking to his brother, my oldest son. My oldest son, reached out to me on my Birthday in September, and now, he talks with me again, and my Daughter. All of the negative drama, makes me wonder. The purpose, to give birth, then why am I still here. I won't go into my life story with all of the horrific details. This most recent one has me wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and I'm wondering why that didn't happen instead of what did.
About my Loss:
I hadn't heard from the Mommy, Ashtin, for over a week. After her not answering my texts, ect, I went onto Facebook to message her. While on her Facebook page, I saw posts about a "Service" and the location and the time for Ashtin and Hazel. I kept reading post, getting very upset and hysterical. I saw a post about an online fundraiser, and I reached out to that woman and message her, asking her to PLEASE talk with me. That I am Hazel's Paternal Grandmom, and the Mom of the father of the baby. I didn't understand anything that was going on. I was shocked and I still am. I found out on the 14th of October 2020, that on October 2, 2020, my Grandbaby Hazel, 14 months old and Her Mommy, Ashtin,32 were both found dead in their apartment. Ashtin also had another Daughter living with her, who just turned 11. Mommy was found with both of her wrists slashed open. At that time, there was no apparent trauma to the baby's body. Since the day I found out, my Daughter and I went to their Service at a funeral home. It was horrible, and even though their bodies weren't there, it was so hard seeing all of the pictures and people, I didn't know but who came up to my Daughter and I and hugged us and held us. Going up and meeting Ashtin's Mom for the second time, and her Step Dad, holding on to them, and my Daughter and we all cried so hard. Ashtin, is now the second and only other child that the Mom just lost. Her first Daughter died when she was 21. Now, Ashtin, her only other child died too. Plus our Grandbaby Hazel. The pain is too much to bear. I am so devastated, and heartbroken, and dying inside. My Grandbaby, Hazel, will never hug me, kiss my cheek, smile, giggle, learn to walk 100%, nothing ever again and this is killing me. Her Mommy, Ashtin accepted my Daughter and myself into her Hazel, and her other Daughter Jessica, into her heart and home. She welcomed us into their lives, with open arms. When she came with Hazel to my home the first we met, I was so excited, so happy, and so appreciative of her doing so. Even having to work at the same place with my 26 year old son, Ashtin, always was sweet, kind, loving, attentive, respectful to myself and my Daughter. Even though he never gave love, care, a diaper, baby food, a penny, a toy, a piece of clothing, a need item, Ashtin still welcomed us, our love, and care. Now it's a waiting game to find out how Hazel died. Hazel and her Mommy slept in Mommy's bed together. The only thing I can think is that possibly, Mommy accidentally rolled over on top of Hazel during the night and that is how Hazel died. Mommy waking up to that, I would think that is why Mommy was found with her wrists slashed open. I don't understand that though because her other 11 year old Daughter, still alive, and now living without her Mom and little sister because they died, I just don't understand it. I also just found that the my uncaring, unloving, non existent, disrespectful, 26 year old son is going to get Hazel's body when she is released. He, didn't care about her when she was alive, so her body is going to go to him. I have texted my 26 year old son. I sent a picture of their Holy Card. I told him that when he gets Hazel, and if she is cremated, he better bring me Hazel's ashes. Said that he never cared about her, nor loved her, did nothing for her, that he better bring her ashes to me, and the ashes belong to me, his Sister, Hazel's other Grandma (Ashtin's Mom) and Ashtin's other 11 year old Daughter. I have 0 money and if it comes to it, I hope that I can find an attorney who will help me for free, to get Hazel's ashes from my son. His roommate, sometime fiancee/girlfriend, Mom of my other 2 granddaughters, that live with them, treats me horribly now. Because of my relationship with Hazel and her Mommy, I have not seen my Granddaughters, plus, she has texted me (I have her blocked now)and told me that I should now think or consider that my 2 other grandbabies, are my Granddaughters. That I should not consider myself their Grandma. She even brought back gifts that I had my Daughter drop off in their condo foyer, addressed to the girls. I was in my driveway this summer and she brought the opened packages back to me. I hadn't seen her in over 2 years. I looked up and saw a woman, who was speaking to me while my back was turned (I was sitting on the ground working on the landscape). I saw the boxes for the girls on the ground and realized it was her. She said, "I told you to not consider yourself their Grandmother". I realized it was her, and after she said that and I saw the boxes, I kept my hands to myself and turned my head and didn't say a word to her. Later that evening, I unblocked her on my phone, and I texted her to never darken mine or my Daughter's lives again. To never text, call, stop by, or come near us ever again. I texted her back in January, that she was disrespectful to me, uncaring, unloving, and treated me with hatred, when all I did was love all of them, do for them, (and because of what my son did, got another woman pregnant), and we chose to include them in our lives), that she lived as if the world revolved around herself, and it didn't. That other people matter too , not just her. I then blocked her again. She is other 24 now. I don't know my son's other 2 Daughters now. His first (that I know of) with this woman, was born, and given my Mom's name, for a middle name. They both know how happy they made me when they told me they were going to have a baby. I cried happy tears. Between that day, and when my first grandbaby was born, there was drama in their relationship that she involved me in and from that day, our warm, loving, caring, respectful, relationship has gone. Knowing how much I love my first Granddaughter from them, then the nasty drama started, then to not being told when their second granddaughter was born to never being able to meet her, all because I found out about a woman, who was pregnant with my grandchild, and I wanted to find her, and then them. The mom of my 2 granddaughters (soon to be 3 and 17 months), turned against my Daughter and I. We are still the same, loving, king, caring, respectful, goodhearted and good people that we were when my son and the girls mom. She was 20 when they met. She was living with, in love with another guy when she met my son at a different place he was working at. He was also in a long term relationship. Yet, she asked to work with him one day and by the end of the day they were making out. Soon after, they broke up with their significant others, and started dating. Within a few months, they surprised me on my birthday with a second card, that had a poem to me, an ultrasound picture, and loving and kind words about how I need a promotion. That was to Grandma. From that day, over 3 years now, I am treated like a piece of dog poop by them. My Grandbaby Hazel and her Mommy were, and my Daughter is, the bright lights in my life. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I cry every day I lost my job last year, so I am home. My Daughter is hurting. She has a part time job and a boyfriend. She lives with me. I have a sweetheart that we live with. He is 70. He has 4 grandchildren, 3 girls and a boy. He just got a picture in the mail from his son (he has a Daughter too) of their 2 granddaughters who are 4 and 2. My neighbor across the street has a granddaughter who is 2 and who lives with them. My Sweethearts other Granddaughter and Grandson (12 and 9) were just in a Christmas concert, online, and he had it on his phone last night. He is Christmas shopping and I see the toys, the clothes, everything and it all kills me inside. Because of covid, I wasn't able to bring Hazel her birthday presents. Now, they are sitting in my dresser. I am baking Christmas cookies, reading books, watching movies, working on jigsaw puzzles (that people have given to me), trying to focus on other things, living with this grief. I'm crying as I type. I have butter and eggs sitting out since this morning, to bake. I ran into a woman I know today, and she stopped to talk to me, yet didn't know what to say I have a post of my Facebook page about Hazel and her Mommy). I spoke with her, and we talked about what happened. I told her at one point I needed to stop though because of tears. She hugged me and apologized for upsetting me. I told her she didn't upset me. I'm upset already. That I appreciated her coming up to me.
I don't go anywhere though where a lot of people I know will be. At one time it will just be very hard for me to hold it together. My sweetheart doesn't know what to say to me or do. Living together, being with me, I know it's hard. My Daughter is my focus too. I make sure she's okay and I ask her daily if she needs anything, and how she is doing, feeling. I know she's worried about me. There is really bad other negative things that have happened in our lives that I won't go into. So, this horrific thing happening to us now.... it's unbelievably unbearable. I was born and raised Catholic. I want to know why my Grandbaby Hazel died, why her Mommy's wrist were slashed open. I want to know why Hazel couldn't have lived, and let me die instead. What's happened/happening, isn't right and it's not fair. And I know, unless you are living with what I'm living with, you don't understand this intense pain and grief, and you don't know what to say and what not to say. I have had total strangers reach out to me on Facebook. I joined a daily prayer group on Facebook. I wrote about my story, and asked for prayers for all of us. Strangers sent me jigsaw puzzles in the mail. Sent me "Angel" pieces. Sent me kindness, care and love. Strangers have reached out to me there. I have been in an in person support group many years ago, at a hospital. Without a car, and with the coronavirus pandemic, I decided to try to find a support group with people who have this horrible grief that I have because of my 14 month old Grandbaby dying, and plus her Mommy dying too. God bless all of you who read this. I am thankful that this site is here for me today.
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