Ally M
  • Female
  • Saint Paul, MN
  • United States
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About my Loss:
I recently turned 44, and my husband Steve died on February 8, 2015. I was looking for a local support group, but most suggested that you had at least two months time passed since the loss. I feel like I am doing worse dealing with his death than I did during the first month. My sleep is worse, my motivation to do anything is worse, and I find myself crying all the time, pacing around the house just trying to find any connections to him that I can.

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At 7:24pm on March 24, 2015, morgan said…

Ally,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You certainly made a beautiful couple. It is now such a bad place to be in.  I don't want to make it worse for you but you have a long road ahead of you.  I turned 63 recently and I was with my husband for 35 years.  I am now just passing the two year two month mark  and the breakdowns are still happening.  In fact I thought my mac was broken today and while i was waiting for tech support I was thinking what it would require to get it fixed or buy a new one and the logistics that would take and I started crying.  By the time the gal got on the phone with me I was in a full blown meltdown.  Luckily it was a woman and luckily she was kind.  Small stuff still plows me under.  Still.

 

You are expecting way too much of yourself as far as functioning.  Everyone is different but at one month going on two you are lucky to be getting out of bed and into a shower. Those who have not had to shake hands with death have no idea how debilitating this is.  Most people who know you only know you as Ally before Steve's death.  That's the person they know.  Right now they might as well be from Egypt and they have just been introduced to another Ally.  You will never be the same person and they have never met you before.  Trust me, this is a whole new dimension you are living in.  

 

Your emotions are perfectly normal if what we are enduring could possibly be called normal.  Crying, weight loss or gain, hair falling out in handfuls, no sleep or falling asleep standing up, crying more, asking why, inability to be around others and the feeling of aloneness crushing every fiber of your being.  You are experiencing everything death hands you.  And there is nothing you can do except feel it.  There is no other way around it.  I so wish there was.

I see you are in St Paul.  I haven't seen anyone on the site that is anywhere close to where I am.  I have ended up in a small town NW of you about an hour half away in Wright County.  I didn't want to be here but circumstances have their way of changing our plans.  Maybe someday we could drive and meet halfway.  I think I could probably ease a bit of your pain and let you know what this is like.  I find the only people who really understand it are those who have tried to get through it.  Comparing feelings helps. 

It's kind of like we are all rowing in our own boat on the ocean and each of us are in a different area. Sometimes we are caught in a typhoon and some times we are in calmer seas but the horizon fades in and out and we cross paths searching for that island of peace.  We keep rowing hoping for help. Just keep rowing and ask for help.  All of us can help you row. 

 
 
 

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Sunday
Maria replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son took his own life on August 25th. He was 20 yers old and the pain is almost unbearable. He was a wonderful human being and I miss him every day."
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Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Thank you !! Feels good knowing I have someone I can chat with and understands. Have a peaceful night."
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Melissa replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"I’m sorry for your pain also!! I’m always here if you ever need to talk!! Your friend melissa"
Saturday
Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, never lost a child to suicide. However lost my mother, father and husband. So my heart goes out to you. Stay strong because it's not easy. Your friend Eileen."
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Eileen posted a status
"Thanks for accepting me into the group. I am finding it very difficult to move forward so I decided to reach out for online support."
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi to everyone,   I am sort of a broken record when it comes to how I have managed to cope with my husbands death.  I can honestly say that for the first four years looking back I was pretty much in a stupor.  The shock after sharing…"
Nov 7
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Fran, So sorry for your loss. It's been 7 years since I lost my Beloved Husband. I have and never will be the person I was. I have accepted that and just go through the motions. There are no good days for me. Since the day he died, I died…"
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Fran commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Jonathan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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