Ally M
  • Female
  • Saint Paul, MN
  • United States
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About my Loss:
I recently turned 44, and my husband Steve died on February 8, 2015. I was looking for a local support group, but most suggested that you had at least two months time passed since the loss. I feel like I am doing worse dealing with his death than I did during the first month. My sleep is worse, my motivation to do anything is worse, and I find myself crying all the time, pacing around the house just trying to find any connections to him that I can.

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At 7:24pm on March 24, 2015, morgan said…

Ally,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You certainly made a beautiful couple. It is now such a bad place to be in.  I don't want to make it worse for you but you have a long road ahead of you.  I turned 63 recently and I was with my husband for 35 years.  I am now just passing the two year two month mark  and the breakdowns are still happening.  In fact I thought my mac was broken today and while i was waiting for tech support I was thinking what it would require to get it fixed or buy a new one and the logistics that would take and I started crying.  By the time the gal got on the phone with me I was in a full blown meltdown.  Luckily it was a woman and luckily she was kind.  Small stuff still plows me under.  Still.

 

You are expecting way too much of yourself as far as functioning.  Everyone is different but at one month going on two you are lucky to be getting out of bed and into a shower. Those who have not had to shake hands with death have no idea how debilitating this is.  Most people who know you only know you as Ally before Steve's death.  That's the person they know.  Right now they might as well be from Egypt and they have just been introduced to another Ally.  You will never be the same person and they have never met you before.  Trust me, this is a whole new dimension you are living in.  

 

Your emotions are perfectly normal if what we are enduring could possibly be called normal.  Crying, weight loss or gain, hair falling out in handfuls, no sleep or falling asleep standing up, crying more, asking why, inability to be around others and the feeling of aloneness crushing every fiber of your being.  You are experiencing everything death hands you.  And there is nothing you can do except feel it.  There is no other way around it.  I so wish there was.

I see you are in St Paul.  I haven't seen anyone on the site that is anywhere close to where I am.  I have ended up in a small town NW of you about an hour half away in Wright County.  I didn't want to be here but circumstances have their way of changing our plans.  Maybe someday we could drive and meet halfway.  I think I could probably ease a bit of your pain and let you know what this is like.  I find the only people who really understand it are those who have tried to get through it.  Comparing feelings helps. 

It's kind of like we are all rowing in our own boat on the ocean and each of us are in a different area. Sometimes we are caught in a typhoon and some times we are in calmer seas but the horizon fades in and out and we cross paths searching for that island of peace.  We keep rowing hoping for help. Just keep rowing and ask for help.  All of us can help you row. 

 
 
 

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Joe Kelly left a comment for Linda l Cunningham
"I too wish you didn't have to be here.  I lost my wife on Jan.21, 2018 and wish I could say it gets better as time goes on, but for me it's just keeps getting worse.  We were together since age 16, close to 52 years together and…"
yesterday
morgan left a comment for Linda l Cunningham
"Linda, I am so sorry you have had to join our grieving group.  Each of us know your sorrow and we all grapple with how to deal with the worst thing we could ever have to deal with.  On January 21st 2013 my husband doc 35 years (knew him…"
yesterday
Allen posted a status
"I also lost my mother 1 year ago. I was with my darling wife for 25 years. Am I supposed to survive or give up and die."
yesterday
Allen posted a status
"Hello and thank you. Is there a certain time that people chat or anything, I need to talk to someone ."
yesterday
Profile IconJill Varrichio, Cath Ellara and Allen joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sunday
M Adams left a comment for Allen
"Dear Allen, condolences on your the death of your wife, sorry that you are going through such a difficult, life-changing loss.  Just wanted to respond and say you are doing everything right in terms of the website, your comment and status…"
Saturday
Allen posted a status
"Is anyone there?"
Saturday
Allen posted a status
"What are you up to?"
Saturday
Allen left a comment for Allen
"My name is Allen,I just lost my wife. I don't know how to use this website. Does anyone see this? "
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, Your post is a perfect description of where I'm at. Morgan"
Saturday
Louise is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
Friday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
Friday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
Friday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I still can't see pics here so don't know if it posted."
Friday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jonathan, I meant to respond to your post when I read it but forgot. We're all in the same boat because we were all ONE with our Loves. You'll notice by our sharing here that it just doesn't get better for us. Keep sharing here. …"
Friday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jonathan, I meant to respond to your post when I read it but forgot.  We're all in the same boat because we were all ONE with our Loves.  You'll notice by our sharing here that it just doesn't get better for us.  I tied…"
Friday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm still a mess too Morgan and it just keeps getting worse.  Nothing but going to her will ever help me not be in agony every second of every day.  That being said, it has to happen naturally which really sucks because we don't…"
Thursday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Once again your have posted my exact feelings on losing my beloved Julian. 7 years also. Life does not go on for me, I am just existing until death takes me and the sooner the better."
Thursday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm still a mess.  Almost seven years later and I still cannot absorb loss in any form.  Doesn'tmatter if its mine or someone else's.  And nothing helps.  I have a best friend who tries valiantly to comfort me.…"
Thursday

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