Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on June 19, 2019 at 8:30pm

Another day, another breakdown.  Going through the motions.  Working like crazy so I can put enough into place so I can pull back a little bit and still pay the bills.  Why?  Because I am alive.  Does it matter?  No, essentially I am very tired of fighting the emotional impact of losing my husband.  And the answer is not to find even more to do to try and substitute or pretend that I am functioning while inside I am a mess. No the answer is one I am unable to take.  Which leads right back to square one.........hating my very existence.  My anger at having to live is growing.  Before it was a desperation to try and get to the next minute or the next hour without breaking down.  Now the frequency of the breakdowns has lessened but the intensity has increased.  In other words it looks like I am adjusting when technically I am getting worse because I cant find anything to comfort me at all.  Before I thought I would run into something.  Now I know that is never going to happen.  That alone confirms how broken I am.  

I am preparing to die.  I can hope it will be a natural death.  I am not there yet to do it myself but I really wonder if I might get to that point now that it is so clear to me that this is never going to go away.  It is never going to get better.  That I miss him more than life itself.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 16, 2019 at 6:30am
Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much.
Comment by Joe Kelly on June 15, 2019 at 6:07pm

I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying grief stems from her grief of knowing she was leaving me.  It's like I'm grieving for both of us.  Too hard to explain but if I were able to complete what I started to write, I think you would understand.  I believe in the afterlife as I shared my experience and I'm stuck here and she is there.  We're both waiting to be reunited.  I just hope she is feeling the blissfulness that I felt with my OBE while waiting for me.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 15, 2019 at 3:38pm
No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones.
Comment by bluebird on June 15, 2019 at 12:24pm
M Adams,
I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have, a happy life together on this planet.
As far as what everyone else is saying, I see your points and somewhat agree with them, but it is a bit different for me. As far as IAM concerned, I am no longer living, this is not a/my/our real life. My life ended when my husband died, for real. This is a poor replica, a simulacrum, a hell in which I am forced to exist until my body does as I wish and stops, at which point I will be with my husband again if there is an afterlife, and if there is no afterlife at least I will no longer feel this pain. I don't know if I'm being as clear as I mean to's as though this "life" is some horrible alternate reality. It is NOT my life. I will NEVER "accept" what has happened, nor will I ever "move on" (that asinine cliche). I will drag myself miserably from day to day until I die, and that's all. And FUCK whatever "god" allows this, if any such bastard exists.
Comment by M Adams on June 15, 2019 at 12:08pm

usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s good that you understand each other so well.  One thing that stood out to me in his comment was when he said “however, I’ll never stop wishing it didn’t happen.”  For me, that goes without saying.  Anyone who is bereaved and in grief obviously wishes that they hadn’t lost the person they love, wishes they were still both happily alive.  And relenting or not relenting doesn’t enter in — regardless, the sorrow is just a fact and a reflection of what has been lost.

One other thing that occurs to me, thinking about loss and regret, is the fact that my husband had a great deal of illness at many times in his life, including many different kinds of cancer.  Yet he was also a very strong, life-loving man.  So when I “wish it didn’t happen” I am not wishing that he was alive but terribly ill and suffering, I am wishing that he had recovered, which seemed to be the case when his “cascade of events” occurred, and as he had so many times before.  At the same time I see some selfishness in my longing for more of the happiness we had together, I know we had decades of love and many people never have that.  I still find it a challenge to be with happy couples for extended periods of time...I’m happy for them but it makes me sadder and also sort of embarrassed.  Problems I would never have anticipated.  Friends who have kindly pressed me to come and stay are getting annoyed that I keep not being up to it, and I can’t really tell the truth, that being in someone else’s happy, bustling home watching the daily rhythms of a loving couple’s life would be just too painful.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 15, 2019 at 5:52am
Hello M Adams

Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together.
Comment by Joe Kelly on June 14, 2019 at 9:12pm

Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her.  The only way for me to get to her is for me to go where she went.  Hence, every night, I pray to go there.  She agreed with me on her death bed that she believes we'll be together forever someday.  Oh, if only she didn't have to go, we'd continue our wonderful life here.  Why did she have to go?  She didn't want to go.  She wanted to continue our wonderful life with me.  I accept that we all go someday but when she went I died to this world.  She was my life and I'll never live again without the agony of not having her here with me.  I promised her I'll be with her and adore her for all eternity.  Suffer I will till that time comes and there is no new life for me here.  I can't and won't change that.  I will never relent.  Yes, it happened and know I can't change that it happened.  However, I'll never stop wishing it didn't happen.  My only "till then" is being with her, going where she went.  That was my thought when she took her last breath in my arms "I have to go where she went".  I have no life to change.  She was my life as I was her's.  We were one and have to reunite and become one again, forever.  Wherever that be.  There will never be normal in my life again.  No mind altering drugs for me.  I view that as not only a way to escape the pain, but more importantly separate the oneness of eternal true love between my Love and I.  That's our worlds way, move on, get a new life, she's gone, find someone new.  That's why the medical field and those who never experienced what those of us here with our Loves, can't figure it out.  I could go on and on but enough.         

Comment by M Adams on June 14, 2019 at 4:28pm

Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it happened, or not being able to change your own life after the loss? Or maybe something totally different?  

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2019 at 3:43pm
Hi Morgan,

Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem.

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"Hi Joe, I understand what you mean.  There will never be anymore of what we did together, IT IS FINISHED."
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"Every day for me is the same day she passed.  Not a joyful or even an ok moment.  I spend a little time with the children and grands and do my best to hide my emotions, but they all know how I am inside, even the youngest grand at age 4…"
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If you have lost a loved one to alcohol, substance abuse or suicide please share your story or feelings here. Share the love and beauty of the one you lost. Losing someone any of these ways is not natural and can be hard to understand and ask why? I lost my Mother to an overdose 9 years ago. She also suffered from major depression. Her doctor got her hooked on pain medication and she was addicted most of my life. These doctors who were suppose to help her ended up killing her in the end. I also…See More
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