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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Sep 11

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Paul on December 30, 2017 at 2:57pm

Alice,

You should not feel at all guilty for expressing your true feelings. You, I and the others here have been cruelly and unwillingly put in this, our worst nightmares come true, without any foolproof way to cope with it.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 2:43pm

Alice

Comment by stewart p on December 30, 2017 at 1:52pm

I'm trying dancing lessons for a few months, always thought it would be neat and I cant dance worth 2 cents, for now.  If nothing else it helps keep me busy, distracted and finding something different to do, otherwise its too easy to sit here and continually sink further into missing my wife.  Not trying to "forget", but I find it helps when Im busy sometimes with things besides just work or the dishes.  I dont know about any of you but the things I do Im do with her, its just she's in my heart now more than ever and not standing beside me, but Im not going to let her down.  Anyway, Im done tearing up now, time to go outside and smile about something

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 10:32am

Adding my voice to this sad chorus.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 30, 2017 at 5:41am

Morgan,

I feel the same as you. As 2018 is approaching it's just another year of misery and closer to joining him.

Comment by Nancy on December 28, 2017 at 8:43pm

I agree with you all.  I too keep thinking Dale will return or contact me somehow.  Our 44th Anniversary is tomorrow.  I'm starting to really wonder if there is anything after life on earth.....I hate to say that but I've had no real signs like some others mention.  I read several books on the topic and some are really bizarre.  I hope I'm wrong.  I just am like JenShep where I feel like I'm running a marathon.  He passed in May.  I can't quite believe it yet.

Comment by Paul on December 28, 2017 at 8:36pm

morgan and JenShep,

Both of your comments really hit home with me. There is seemingly no way out of this relentless hell.

Comment by JenShep on December 28, 2017 at 6:39pm

I'm so sorry Morgan. I think I feel just like you do. I think there's a part of my brain that thinks that Tom is coming back or that I will get to be with him soon. But that never comes. And it's like running a never ending marathon. When will this end? How long can I continue like this? I also ask for help... into the thin air. From Tom. From my spirit guides?? (I don't know if I have them but some people seem to.) The problem is that nothing can help except being reunited with our loves. I ask: Haven't I learned my lessons here on earth yet? Can't I go yet? How much longer? I don't know what to do with myself. I am in so much pain that I think it will kill me but it doesn't. And I wish it would. My ball and chain is that I am constantly trying to remember everything, to not let him go. I beat myself up for not being able to connect with him, to hear him, for not trying enough. I feel like I should be able to get my brain to open up to him, wherever he is. I also beat myself up for not being able to appreciate life without him. It must be a lesson I'm supposed to learn but I can't seem to get it. I existed before I knew him and I was fine. But I also didn't know the love and happiness that I knew with him. I also hadn't seen the pain and suffering I saw him go through. I just turned 44. I wish I were old so there wouldn't be too many years left of this nightmare. God, there could be 50 more. It's unfathomable. I want to take my life but I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm rambling. I'm sorry I can't offer much help except to say that I think I understand and that you're not alone. And that I hate to think of you or anyone else feeling this way because it is hell. I wish better for all of us. 

Comment by morgan on December 28, 2017 at 3:15pm

Another morning, another breakdown.  I can only continue to reach out to anyone who will listen how impossible it is to live.  I had a life with my husband and now without.  I am trying my best to tie up the loose ends of what our life was together after 35 years and it has taken me this long to get close.  But I am running out of steam. I feel like I am on the cusp of my own death (wishful thinking probably).  

No matter who and how often I reach out to ask for some kind of help, some kind of relief from "remembering" so I can function without breaking down I cannot get the relief I need.  I do things to distraction but no matter what I do I cannot find peace.  My life was just too dependent on his essence.  I am simply unable to extricate myself from my former universe to my "todays" universe.  It's like I am floating.  I have moved to two different states since he died and nowhere have I felt like I belonged.  Or like anyone I saw was familiar to me.  I am in the twilight zone.  

This Xmas has been particularly hard and I don't know why.  I just know the memories of taking him to the hospital and then remembering what happened every day is devouring me.  I have until Jan 21st to live through this and in the meantime, my immune system is kicking the rheumatoid arthritis into overdrive.  To add to the grief, I am getting more and more crippled.

I have the one person who promised my husband he would look after me if something happened to him who has been my guardian angel and he does his best but he understands as most others don't that I am slowly dying.  Yes, slowly dying.  He has tried to channel my husband by listening and offering sympathy while at the same time encouraging me not to take my life but it gets harder by the day. I feel like I am on some kind of cusp.  I need to rewrite my will and yet I don't know what to do with "things".  It's a ridiculous thing to even have to think about because things don't matter at all but then all I want to do is honor all the hard work we both put into living.  It's like a constant ball and chain I have to drag around.

All I do when I do breakdown is ask for help.  I ask to the thin air......help me.  I ask my husband to please come get me.  Can’t you see how I am suffering.  Why are you leaving me behind?  I cannot imagine living for years.  Forget that I made it this far.  The thought of having to do this for another decade, another year is so haunting.  I can’t swallow that thought.  And the longer this goes on the more I ask for death.  

Sorry this is such a downer post to all those who come here looking for hope.  I know there are some here who can offer that hope.  Unfortunately, I am not the one to turn to.  I am barely hanging on.  Yes, I function better in my daily life by being able to shower and eat and sleep erratically and at least I am doing it as opposed to lying in a fetal position, clutching his box of ashes unable to move for the first six months or so but I am not doing it well.  Even though back then I also got up and functioned, the big time grief seems to all be coming back in spades.  I know there is no real help for me personally as I will always remember the man who changed my life.  The man who loved me no matter what. The man who is now gone and I have no idea where he is or how he is.  It's just too much to try and live with these thoughts.  I am wasting away.  

 

Comment by P on December 20, 2017 at 12:20pm

Stewart, thank you so much for your post. 

You're an inspiration!

It takes time and a lot of work but I too believe that you can get through this (although I always say you never get over it). 

Since I lost my husband in 2015 I've struggled with survivor's guilt but I know, absolutely, that he only ever wanted me to be happy while he was alive.  There is no way that he would wanted for me to not to make a new life for myself after his death.  It's not something that happens easily, ever corner of your life changes after a loss like the ones we have experienced.  I call it "my life, 2.0." 

I carry him with me with me wherever I go and I try to honour his memory every day by showing kindness and compassion to those around me.  Most importantly, I'm kind to myself. 

 

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Sep 11
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough.  God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible…"
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Morgan, Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my…"
Sep 10
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store…"
Sep 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
Sep 9
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello All, I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each…"
Sep 9
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way,…"
Sep 9
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us. You put into words the things I don't know how to express."
Sep 9
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay…"
Sep 8
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
Sep 8
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All, Today I suddenly had grief all over the day. I miss my mother a lot and it seems that there is no end to this grief. Hope I meet her someday when I leave this world.  Just wanted to share my feelings here because people around me…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, We are blessed to have this wonderful group to come to and share our grief."
Sep 8
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thinking of you John T.  I understand.  "
Sep 7
John T. replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
"5 years since my wife died suddenly of heart failure right in front of me.  The time since that day has been just awful and when I reached this anniversary, I just couldn't believe it.  All I think about is all the years ahead without…"
Sep 7
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the death of my wife.  I spent the day unable to believe it has been 5 years but somewhat surprised at how well I handled the day.  Today I have kept having outbursts of crying and overwhelming memories…"
Sep 7

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