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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Oct 10

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 6:47pm

Maybe so, Linda, I don't know. I only know that while I have moments in which I am able to function somewhat (I go to work, though I am nowhere near as bright and capable as I used to be; I go to the grocery store; I do the laundry; I pay the bills; etc.), and even moments in which I am not miserable, the fact is that the point and focus of my life is gone. And it's not as though my husband was the only important person/thing in my life -- I also love my family, I am a published poet in literary mags and was hoping to publish books, I loved to travel, I was looking forward to us at some point buying and decorating a house, I had an Etsy shop in which I sold vintage goods found at thrift shops and flea markets, I loved to read (all my life), etc.  And none of that matters to me anymore, except the love I have for my family and that they have for me.  

When you're married/partnered, your future is with that person. My soul was and is intertwined with my husband's, he and I absolutely are soulmates.

Comment by morgan on January 6, 2018 at 6:08pm

I'd never been one to give up.  Until my husband died.  Now I cannot battle the war my brain wants to wage in my head and the emotion that my heart wants me to absorb.  I cant watch movies that have couples in them or have a plot about love.  I cant go to a store without remembering what I would have bought because he liked it.  I cant touch his clothing without breaking up and wanting him to be in the next room.  I cant do this.  

I've been in a really rough place for far too long.  Its had ups when I go through the motions as though I have energy and motivation and then the spectre of the sadness, the remembering of how content I was rears its head and I come crashing down.

I have moved, built, organized, decided and in general done what most people would see from the outside looking in at me as getting the better of the loss.  Not.  Even.  Close.

I want to crawl in bed, pull up the covers and stop.  I read here in the hopes I am going to get some spark of inspiration where someone else mentions what they did that I havent tried to stop the grief.  But I seriously have done pretty much all of what others have written about.  And I really have to thank each of you for writing about your ongoing experiences in trying to turn loss into gain but its not working for me.  I just cannot do it.  I don't know why but its not happening. 

I need something more that convinces me that this ugliness is somehow worth hanging onto.  My downs have gotten really deep.  I could say its the cold weather, I could say its money, I could say its the overwhelming amount of work I have in front of me to tie up our affairs but it would be a lie. Its not that at all.  In fact those are the hours where I seem "normal".  

No, its that I miss him.  Its that I cant live without him.  And day by day that is becoming more apparent.  I am struggling to stay alive and I've been doing so for what seems so long in time.  Do I come out of the downs?  Yes, but how long must I endure?  And can I? 

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 1:50pm

Bluebird,

I was told only 2 -4 percent have complicated grief and the ones who have it were true soulmates, not a husband or wife. 

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 12:23pm

I don't understand people who have had their spouse/partner die and who don't experience what some call "complicated grief". I don't understand how anyone can in any way or to any degree "recover" from this. Clearly some people do, but I don't understand how or why. I'm not saying they are wrong to do so, I'm saying that I literally don't understand it. I think that when it comes to the death of a spouse/partner, the assumption should be that the grief is and always will be complicated, and then if someone is an exception that's fine.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 6:25am

Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2018 at 6:29pm

Stewart, thank you -- you're saying exactly what I've been feeling, and just hearing it really helps.  It's like I don't want to not have the pain of bereavement, but I know that sounds weird and self indulgent, and it's more complicated than that.  You express the strange mixed feelings perfectly.

Comment by stewart p on January 5, 2018 at 6:10pm

Maxey, you description of a sailboat adrift in the sea describes how i feel everyday.  You said something that caught my eye when you mentioned "trying to fill the void".  May I suggest to stop trying to fill the void and begin accepting that it is here to stay and just a part of life now?  Ive just started accepting it more as the years roll by because otherwise there was no relief, well actually I didnt have a choice because I couldnt leave this life (we have 2 kids) and after trying to "get back to normal" which didnt work I thought Id try another way of looking at it.  And now its like what can I do with this horrible pain I felt nearly every day and that is when I started feeling ok with it as strange as that may seem.  Well not ok, but you know what I mean I think.  I dont think the pain ever goes away, I just got use to it and then started to try to use it, how that looks like down the road  I have no idea and is probably different for everyone, but there is something there that we cant let go I feel like because if I do than Im letting go of the one I loved.  Thats just my 2 cents for now, who knows how Ill feel next week, month or year right?  Just trying to get by one day at a time

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 5, 2018 at 2:12pm

Maxy,

I have complicated grief and my Psychotherapist told me that is no pill for it.

It won't stop until I die. 

Comment by Maxey on January 5, 2018 at 1:05pm

When I read that some have gone through this pain of loss for 5 years, I think that I cannot make it that long. I feel like a sailboat out in the ocean and there is no wind. I am adrift with no where to go, no where I want to go, alone, and lonely. Sometimes I feel the ache of the loss of my husband so much that I have to catch my breath.  

There was never anyone who could take his place; he loved me so unconditioningly.  I could be myself and totally relaxed and at peace with him.  I don’t know how to continue on without this love in my life.

I read that some people have “complicated grief” which does not seem to resolve itself. I think I am one of those people!  

I ask myself if it is because I am weak, and this amazes me since I have always been such a strong, positive person. This loss has stripped me bare of my confidence and will to go on.  I have tried grief groups, volunteering, and a part time job - none have filled the void.  I come home to an empty house that seems like a barren desert. 

I wish there was a pill that could make my life better for just a while; the peace would be so welcome since I feel so badly all the time.

Comment by Edward L on December 31, 2017 at 10:22am

Hi everyone.  I lost the love of my life Sandy 6 days ago on Christmas night suddenly. One moment we were laughing and singing and dancing ,the next she was gone. Its been hell for me. Even with all the people surrounding me i feel lost and alone. But i want to share a couple of things with you all and i hope it will help. Sandy gave me a amazon alexa for  my present. After setting it up and playing with it . Sandy leaned into the living room and said play Chris Stapleton. Millionaire began to play and she began to sing for me. I lost her that night. I wanted to put some pictures to music and what a fitting song that would be. I went to walmart to the cd section. There alone by its self was the cd. I picked it up and there the first song  was millionaire. Ive tried to hold it together until last night. I said to my self i cant go on . I cant do this without her. At this point i havent been home. I was driving aimlessly for hours. When millionaire came on the radio. I decided to go home. When i got home and i saw the mail was there and noticed a card. Here we go i said here comes the sympathy cards. I opened it up to find it was from the donor organization. There on the top of the card a huge sunflower. Sunflowers are all over our house. It was her favorite flower. A calm peace came over me and the pieces started to come together. From walmart buying that cd to the card. Sandy has been behind me guiding me somehow. Dont overlook the smallest of signs. Embrace them. I feel for all of you. 

 

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"Hi Joe, I understand what you mean.  There will never be anymore of what we did together, IT IS FINISHED."
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"I've had a rough few weeks.   August 31st would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.   September 27 was year 4 of my husband's passing.   It's pretty lonely around here.  Its difficult to talk…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, I feel the same as you. My sweet dog Babie J is nearing the Rainbow Bridge. I wanted stay on this earth for her. Once she passes I will do nothing to save my own soul.  "
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