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Lost My Spouse...

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Today is the anniversary of my wedding day 2 Replies

I got married on May 1, 1992 and lost my husband on June 30, 2017. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life and if I had one wish, it would be to go back and live that day over. It has been…Continue

Started by Carol Klotz. Last reply by Carol Klotz May 3.

Lost my light in the darkness 2 Replies

I lost my wife on the 25 of March after returning from my Dads funeral. She is everything to me. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much my PTSD drug me down, She has been my light in the…Continue

Started by Shane Hughes. Last reply by Shane Hughes Apr 16.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 5 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Wendy Apr 7.

My Love 1 Reply

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West. Last reply by Anna Chris Apr 7.

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Comment by JenShep on April 29, 2018 at 8:34pm

I’ve cried for 561 days in a row. How can that not kill me?? This is crazy. How can we live like this?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 29, 2018 at 6:11pm

morgan,

"Waiting...Waiting and Missing" could be the title of a short story based on our lives. These three words pretty much say it all about our life after the death of our soulmate, the love of our life. Everyday one question that pops up in my head is "When, when will it all end? When will my end come?"

Let peace come to us... 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 29, 2018 at 6:07pm

Dear Linda,

I will think of you on May 5th as you face the fifth anniversary of the passing of your beloved husband Julian. It is going to be a heart wrenching day, with no way to lessen the pain, but somehow you will have to make it through the day.

Like you and morgan and so many others on this forum, I often find myself suddenly covering my face and bursting into tears, my memory stirred by a small thing. Today it was while taping up a shipping box for my brother-in-law. I recalled how Joseph was the one who dealt with boxing and shipping and mailing. Something as trivial as taping a box can bring forth tears! There is no respite for the likes of us. For as long as we live we will miss, mourn and grieve the passing of the love of our life.

Sending thoughts of peace and good vibes and prayers to you, Linda.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 29, 2018 at 7:35am

Hi Morgan,

Couldn't agree with you more, I keep myself busy but yet anything I do is just going through the motions, I don't have as many breakdowns as I used to but I just can't stop thinking of my Husband everyday. I have no one to share my feelings except on this website. Thank God for all of you, I don't know what I would do.

God Bless all of you, Linda  

Comment by morgan on April 28, 2018 at 11:57pm

Nancy, I hear you when you say all you do is work.  Thats all I've done for five years in order to keep myself distracted.  I sold our home we shared, bought and rehabbed two more, sold both, bought and rehabbed four more and I don't mean sitting back.  I do tilework, I paint, I sling the sledgehammer for demolition, I throw rock for driveways, you name it..... So functioning to do the work is not the crippling part (other than some soreness and battling my arthritis).  Its the fact that when the work ends I am still in the same place.  Missing him, missing talking to him, missing holding him, missing being in the same room with him.  Not much has changed over five years only that I can function longer without breakdowns.  But the breakdowns are convincing me of the need for an exit.  I just am tired of putting up with having to live without him.  And I have never "moved on".  I just take up space.

Trina, We've been here a long time together.  Feels like an eternity.   I knew from the get go you were going to be one of the broken hearted not willing to find another.  Some of us just had the best and have no need.  But now we are trapped.  Prison if you will....just not behind bars.  I have about four people who really get where I am in my head.  They all encourage me to keep toughing it out and I listen but only with half an ear.  And as for my exit I still have yet to finish tying up all the stuff I need to and maybe I will find the "stuff" keeps me hanging on but I do have plans for finishing the houses and the ways to tie a bow on it all and at that point I guess I'll see how I feel.  But thinking about living past 70 even just the physical limitations much less the grief doesnt appeal to me at all.

To all, I can only hope at this point that something will take me out.  Like Linda and many of the rest of you we ask the universe to take us instead of someone else who wants to live.  Obviously its not listening.  I spend alot of time isolating myself from engaging in life.  I find it less stressful than trying to get out there and immerse myself.  I don't have the energy or the desire or any reason to put myself out there.  That has not changed and I highly doubt no matter how long I continue to live without him that will change.  

I cleaned and polished a picture in a frame of us, one of several I have in the kitchen this morning and just the polishing of the glass had me in tears.  Its' just an endless cycle of waiting.......waiting and missing.  

Comment by Nancy on April 28, 2018 at 9:29am

I'm sorry Linda.  I think the realization that all the plans made for retirement are gone and we are alone is the hardest thing to comprehend.  The majority of my life I had been married.  43 years. To try and adjust to a different life is the hardest thing I've ever faced.  I'm lost really.  Even with others around at the end of each day I'm all alone.  I know from reading your posts it's the same for you.  I don't know how a person "moves on".

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 28, 2018 at 8:50am

Hello All,

May 5 will be five years my dear Husband Julian passed away. I hope I don't have to keep living on an earth that I want to leave. Everyday I pray no to wake up.

 

Comment by Nancy on April 28, 2018 at 8:40am

Thank you Trina.  I appreciate your kind words.  I've had a sister and my little 98 yo mom say things like "you can't hide this by working so much, you have to face it."  Or " it's been a year, you need to move on."   Oh my, that doesn't help.  I know everyone grieves in their own way.   We had 7 months after he was diagnosed and all but the last 2 weeks were spent fighting the disease.  It wasn't until 2 weeks on Hospice that the inevitable was starring me in the face and it was a complete change from the aggressive treatments.  You go from one extreme to the other.  I know for months I was in shock.  You can't even begin to grieve until you process what happened.  I just try to let what my family says roll off my back and continue to do what I am able to survive each day right now.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 28, 2018 at 5:05am

Dear Nancy,

The dreaded first anniversary is coming up soon. I am so very sorry! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on May 10th. In some ways the first anniversary of death is the hardest. They don't really get easier, but still the first one is the hardest, because like you say, for the first time realization sets in. It's heartbreaking. There's nothing more to say.

Sending you love, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 28, 2018 at 4:59am

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that you are continuing to have these dark thoughts. Actually, I do too. Everyday, and several times a day, I wish this were my last day, that I were free of this life. But like Nancy and Elynn I either bury myself in my new hobby--painting--or I email or text (don't usually call folks) someone to take my mind off of the unbearable pain. We are in such a quandary, dilemma, predicament--call you what you will--we were given a "life" sentence. Our life sentence is to live out our natural lives without that ONE person who made live meaningful. Now life is so drab, devoid of meaning and purpose. And everyday is painful beyond belief.

I can relate to you only too well: the urge to end it all, to be freed from this sorry existence. But my dear friend, alas, it is not in our hands (short of taking our own lives) how long we live. I, too, have "given" myself 70 years (I am 57 now, so I still have a loooong ways to go). But when I "give" myself the 70 years I can't help but laugh, as I am only too keenly aware that it is not up to me. Very unlikely, but not impossible, that I could die tomorrow in a car accident or of a heart attack, but more likely given my family health history, I will live to be an old lady of 85 or 90. The thought terrifies me and fills me with anger and the sense that this is injustice, but I comfort myself by saying I don't know when my time will come, it can come very soon for all I know. So another day passes, and I have one less day to live.

So dear morgan, immerse yourself in something that keeps your interest, even if for a little while, or reach out to someone you trust when you feel you can't go on anymore. But please know that you have friends on this forum who care and you can always come here and write to us and we will be here. Life is cruel, the universe is cruel, but what can we do about it?

Courage, my friend, and hang in there! Big hugs, Trina

 

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