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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 22, 2015 at 1:15am

Today I spent time at the church where we got married and had her funeral, and where mine will be held... There was no service, just spent time there. It was nice... familiar...

Comment by Tildyc on March 21, 2015 at 8:22pm
I hear you John T. I do not know what to say. Except that I know how you're feeling. Not much comfort I know. But I do.
Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on March 21, 2015 at 8:17pm

John, I did the same thing today.  I've been crying off and on all day.  The feeling of emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.  I am stuck in this endless loop of pain.   

I went out with my family to celebrate my sister's birthday.  I felt so depressed because my Jeremy will never have another birthday.  I went to the bathroom and cried. 

I too think that this is a nightmare that I someday will wake from and he will be there.

 

Comment by Tildyc on March 21, 2015 at 5:34pm
It's sooo senseless and stupid.
Comment by Tildyc on March 21, 2015 at 5:33pm
And since Thursday I've been going through another type of hell.

I just spent the last 3 days in the ER and then the hospital with the brother of my Mark. His brother is suffering from the same thing that my Mark was suffering from. But this time- the Dr. took the symptoms seriously and didn't just send him home to die like he did his brother- my Mark. I was there and made DAMN SURE the Dr. understood the levity of the situation.

Just walking into that same ER where my Mark died in front of me... I became nauseous, shakey and overwhelmed with anxiety. It was horrifying and surreal. I was so scared.

For Mark's brother- the last 3 days have been hospitalization, tests, labs and now- a 1/2 hr ago- a med-i-vac to Seattle. For the proper medical care. And I'm beyond grateful and relieved that his brother is going to be ok. But just sitting in the ER with Mark's brother and then his hospital room for 3 days and then to watch him carted off to the airport for transport to Seattle... It just makes me ask WHY WHY WHY couldn't the Dr. done the same for my Mark 6 wks ago???? It would of saved his life. He would be here with me now...... What the #%*!?!? I just want to disappear. I want to be swallowed up into a huge dark hole. I feel so bleak and hollow.

Once again- to be very clear- I'm so very pleased that his brother is going to be ok. I take nothing away from that. But what about my baby?! Why didn't the Dr. help my Mark????????
Comment by Tildyc on March 21, 2015 at 4:53pm
Thank you m morgan. And yes- for sure I feel like I'm in hell. It's unbearable. I already know there is no escape from this. John T- I'm so sorry about such a terrible painful anniversary. My god- the future is so empty. 6wks, 6mos, 2 yrs.................
It is unbearable. I guess it's like m morgan stated- we are not alone in our grief.
Comment by morgan on March 21, 2015 at 12:29am

Tildyc (part 2)

I wish I could give you some answers.  I am not sure I have given up all hope even knowing how hard this has been so I don't want to end this by saying there is no hope.  The best we can do is bear it.  How we do it varies.  Yet each day you wake up you know it's going to start all over again. It does mellow a bit with time and you end up having fewer more intense breakdowns but the feeling remains.  Nothing has doused the feeling of wanting him back. Wanting to feel him in my arms again.  Wanting to have all those things that were priceless because I had love.  

Thank you for writing out your feelings.  I think at any stage of this it helps someone else because as alone as we are without our spouses we are not alone in the grief when we think we are going crazy.  Take care…...

Comment by morgan on March 21, 2015 at 12:28am

Tildyc- (part 1) I am so sorry for your pain.  I remember what it i was like when I was at your point after my husband of 35 years died and there is nothing that will ever come close to the feelings we now have struggling with wanting answers and wanting to feel our suppose again.  

The first year and half was pure hell.  The first three months I spent researching suicide, barely showered and ate nothing. Lost 35 lbs.  Felt as though I had been removed to a totally different planet.  Having to function was impossible.  The next three months I spent how I was going to extricate myself from my job and still figure out how to live.  Ended up deciding to sell our home and so between trying to show it and keep it clean and barely being able to talk to anyone I ended up at month eight moving.  Yes, sold the home.  Moved near to one of my siblings in her cottage and spent the next three months laying in bed.  Coming up on the month of his diagnosis and the following month of his death I thought I might be able to reconstruct my life back in Hawaii.  I might as well have tried to move to Alaska.  Found out location makes no difference and my emotions were off the charts.  Passing Xmas and the date of his death I thought I would "get better" after such trauma during the really bad dates I had just been through.  No such luck.  I spent year two trying to obtain a house I could live in and one I could use as a rental income.  Day after day I would cry.  Everything was still so overwhelming.  Everything.  Grocery stores, post office, dealing with returns or purchases at any store, each day there was another horrendous breakdown, most often several a day.  Would I ever see an end to the pain of not having him around me anymore.  Would I get anything that would help me, a sign?  Something that I knew he was listening and could help me through this?  

I am now 40 lbs lighter at 103 lbs and look like a refugee.  I have aged 20 years so look 83.  My eyes are sunken and the lines in my face are deep.  I am now at 26 months.  In the past couple weeks the constant intense crying has begun to lessen.  I am now simply hopeful something will happen to me naturally so I don't have to live too long.  I get through days by keeping myself maddeningly busy doing nothing.  I keep internet podcasts going almost 24/7.  At first I couldn't stand noise and now I do it to block out my thoughts.  

This is a journey I would not wish on my worst enemy.  How is it we are enduring this kind of suffering. I asked myself today "what did I do to deserve this kind of punishment"?  I was brought up Catholic but left that behind at 11.  I have immersed myself in studying physics because they are finding out a lot about how the brain and the energy that drives this reality we experience functions but there are no answers for our questions.  Death is quiet.  It gives away nothing.  

Only those who have had to shake hands with death by losing their spouse get what this is like.  There isn't any version of how someone dies better or worse than another.  We all end up struggling with the whys.  Constant ever present "whys" taking different forms.

Comment by Tildyc on March 20, 2015 at 3:19pm
John T- I am so sorry you have to go through this all by yourself. I myself have chosen to be pretty much alone, except for here on this site. I refuse to burden my loved ones with my over whelming sadness and grief. After all – how could they truly know what I'm going through? And why would I want them to feel this pain? And i'm not saying this to seek pity. It's truly how I feel and I know this is the best way to do this- for me.

And it's good that you have your religious faith. And that your wife was very strong in her faith. It's at least it is something the two of you shared and perhaps can connect in that way. What a blessing that would be wouldn't it?! Myself – even though I was raised religiously, I never took it too seriously I guess. All it seem to do was instill fear and guilt in me in just about everything. I'm fairly certain there's a God. But I don't know how he/she fits into one kind of religion. And after losing my Mark – i'm questioning everything I thought I used to think I believed. I find myself searching and praying and pleading for real answers to this overwhelming heartbreak and sadness. This sudden huge emptiness in my life.

Its said that time is the one thing that makes everything better. But that does not bring back my Mark. And without Mark in my life, there is no getting better. I need to so desperately know in some kind away that- he IS around me and that he IS happy and at peace. And I will continue searching for answers until I find them. Or I guess – until I go crazy. :/
Comment by Tildyc on March 20, 2015 at 2:30pm
Donna- I keep trying every day to feel him. I try to do this meditation thing I found in a book everyday. I've never been a person to meditate – being ADHD all my life- it's been a very hard thing to do.- To still my mind as they want you to do. I feel like it was working at the beginning but now I don't feel it is. The best communication I guess I've ever had with him was a couple of dreams that were very vivid and that was within the first couple weeks of his passing. I'm very anxious that I can't feel him anymore and I'm doing everything I can to connect. If I figure something out I'll let you know. And yes – I know I sound crazy. But I don't care because , I miss my Mark and my soul is aching from absence.
 

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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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