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Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 1:41am

JohnT- Unfortunately we are expected to fit into the dysfunction of what we understood at one time was designated even as our own normal.  Now we realize how dysfunctional even we were.  How much did I now of the suffering of people who had lost their spouse?  Nothing.  The same as those who still have their spouse do.  No one can approach this pain until it happens.  Then and only then do we start to be aware of how much suffering is happening in this world.  I mean get really aware.  It seems like in todays world unless it happens to you you ignore it.  And to be fair, others are still living.  They call what we are doing living but deep inside we have died.  It’s impossible to find a solution to repairing, patching, reversing or fixing what has happened to us.  For many of us with deep deep relationships we will only see resolution when our own final day comes.  In the meantime we are saddled with the most imcomprehensible scathing pain imaginable.  It has us pinned to the wall.  I sit and try to rationalize where I am now during my more clear moments.  I always come to the same conclusion.  I have no reason to be here.  I don’t think I have enough courage to do what I would like to do but it doesn’t change that I have no reason.  Others will give me all kinds of reasons but most of them are sing-song platitudes.  They will never understand and I so get that. All I can do now is miss him.  That's it.  And wait.

 

 

 

 

Comment by Tildyc on April 5, 2015 at 1:40am

M morgan- yes – to have a huge sign for people to just leave the heck alone would be perfect. I wish people would stop telling me to have a happy Easter, have a great weekend or to have a good day. Seriously – do not tell me what kind of day to have. Who do they think they are??? Can't they just for-go saying any of that shallow fluff to me and just let me be? And for gods sake – I absolutely detest it when people come up to me and look me square in the eyes and put their hand on my shoulder, while I'm at work, in the middle of the public and ask me.. "How are you REALLY doing.....? " Are you freakin kidding me?! I'm trying to work here and do my job and you know damn well I just lost my soulmate only a couple of months ago and now you want to bring this up in front of the whole world right here , right now?!? While I'm trying to do my job?!? I can barely maintain any diplomacy at this point. In fact I have responded very rudely recently. Which is absolutely the opposite person of which I used to be. I'm just so sick and tired of their false concern. If they knew how much it hurt me to talk about my loss – they certainly would not approach me in the middle of my work about such a deeply painful subject. It's so damn insensitive.

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 1:40am

George-  I'm glad you have your special items as I have mine.  It helps.  And yes, you are so so very early and raw in your grief.  This numbness will be with you for awhile so give it a name and share your chocolate with it because it is going to stick around.  I wish I could say it differently but I know where you are and your world has vanished.  Sleepless and hopeless.  I get it.  I hated it.  I still don't know how my body was able to get through an hour much less a day.  I get it.  It's not much better in many ways.  I just have resigned myself to hating life as I am experiencing it and wish for my body to expire as soon as it can.  Energy and motivation is non existent. All you and I can do is try.  One teeny tiny step.  That is all any of us can do when this happens.

Comment by George H on April 5, 2015 at 12:55am

I do have some of those things I sleep with her blanket and pillow right next to the hospital that's still in the living room I have her ashes right here in the chair next to me I look at her pictures on my phone and pretty much my whole house is Mary but I still am totally numb and just don't want to do a thing still way too much pain and loneliness

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 12:47am

George-  You need to build for yourself an ongoing link (a shrine of sorts) to your beautiful wife.  For months following my husbands death I had several pictures in frames of him on the bed.  I wrapped myself around the box of his cremated remains and slept with it (for as much as I slept).  I wore a t-shirt that he had on when the EMT's sliced it up the front as a neck scarf for months and months everyday.  I have yet to take off a piece of jewelry on a black ribbon around my neck that he had given me the Xmas when he got sick.  These are "things" that help us be with them.  I have pictures all over the house and one whole wall of pictures of him that will never come down.  Go to a thrift shop and slowly get some frames and look at her. She still loves you and you love her.  It's ok to feel her.  Its better that you do.  

And as for Easter.  Try to do one thing at a time.  Make a cup of tea. Scramble an egg or make toast.  Take a short walk. Come back, have a piece of chocolate.  Come here and talk to us.  It's hard, so hard but we walk with you.  

Take care.

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 10:47pm

I wish I could figure out a way to just sleep through Easter Mary really like the Easter but tomorrow I'll be alone and I'm sure won't be a great day samuri she passed just keep playing over and over again like a bad movie just can't seem to figure a way to rewind to the good parts

Comment by morgan on April 4, 2015 at 10:32pm

This has been another rough day for me.  At this point I have no idea what is kicking off the meltdowns. Before it would be some memory but now they just surge up and overtake me.  I was really hoping that by this time in the grief I would be having a little easier time with it.  Instead I've moved from crying non stop to moments when the tsunami carries me off and the cries sound like an animal that has been pierced.  Way different than how it started out.  Debilitating all of it.

Something I have been doing that I never would have done before is worry too much about what I say.  If a subject comes up where I used to sugar coat it I don't any longer.  I have realized I have nothing left to lose.  I have lost everything that meant anything and so to try to tiptoe around people or things that frustrate, overwhelm, irritate or in general I disagree with I just come out with it.  I don't go around looking for it but if it lands in front of me I now say what I think.  I am not rude I just am not playing with words anymore.  It hasn't come up too much as most of the time when I have to engage in conversation with someone I don't know I end up having to explain why I am doing what I am and then the facts come out and I end up crying.  Has happened in supermarkets, post offices, big box stores, banks, restaurants….you name it.  I just know I have no cover anymore.  I've got to deal with all this by myself and I hate it. Periodically it really shows.  It's the same with my family too. I wonder to myself how they can say they care.  Some of their own relationships don't reflect much caring between them so its hard to imagine they could show any more or less to me.  I just have pushed most away because they want to fix me and are not really interested in knowing the pain.  I've gotten pretty callous but I also realize that it takes a lot of energy and can bring them down to where they also cant function so its just easier if I keep my distance.  

Last but not least when someone at the grocery store or any store says "Have a happy easter" or any other familiar cordiality I really want to respond but I don't.  I wish I could just wear a big sign that says "leave me alone, i hate life because my husband died."  Sure would eliminate a lot of triggers.  

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 4, 2015 at 9:20pm

Since we had no children and there are no nieces and nephews, Easter wasn't a really big holiday for us.  We got together with family for dinner.  It being a weekend is more of a problem for me.  I feel the loneliness more on Saturday and Sunday.  I go to work during the week, so I am kept busy.  Sitting in our apartment all alone gets to be too much.  I miss both my old life and I really miss my old old life.  For 10 months the cancer fight was front and center.  I saw my husband change.  His tumor was seen by all.  It took over his right eye and cheek.  I made sure he got to his appointments, that he was up and working, that he was eating and taking his meds.  I can barely remember life before cancer. 

I too am not looking far into the future.  I can't wrap my head around living 30 years or so without Jeremy.  So I am only looking at life one day at a time and trying to survive that day. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 4, 2015 at 8:10pm

John T,

So today is the 7th month anniversary…that would explain the way you are feeling today.

The measure of true love is when you find comfort in the thought that your beloved was spared the unspeakable pain and heartbreak that you yourself are undergoing now. I told one of my acquaintances, a widow, that no matter how terrible and unbearable this grief is for me, I am glad that it is me, and not Joseph. Had I gone like this and Joseph were the survivor, it would have been much harder for him to bear the loss and cope, I just know it. So since normally spouses cannot go together, it is better that I am the one experiencing this agony and despondency, and not Joseph. My small comfort too is that he is at peace now; where he is now, there is no pain and no sorrow. 

On this Easter, even though I am not religious, I pray for the peace of all our departed loved ones and for those of us left here on earth to grieve and to mourn our loss. What else can be said?

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 7:32pm

I've learned one thing from watching very and what she's gone through since 2008 I could never do a tenth of the hospital stuff she had to do so I married your I have a good day and are and my grandson understands just put me in hospice not here at the house

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