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Comment by Nancy on April 13, 2015 at 8:31pm

I agree, Dianne M.  Game of Thrones just started and I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch it again, he was so looking forward to the premier.  We used to watch it in bed together.  And its kind of violent, and I don't know if I can watch violence right now.  I keep hoping this is all some sort of dream I will wake up from.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 13, 2015 at 8:14pm

I just hate sitting here trying to watch TV shows that we enjoyed together and looking up at his picture and knowing I will never kiss him again...I still dont get it....I will never get it....

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 7:51pm

Nancy if mary was here she would tell you that he does here you and she would say to keep talking to him that how she believed

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 7:45pm

I'm trying to hold my head up

But it just keeps falling back down.

I keep trying to reach Mark's cloud

But I keep landing hard on the ground.

I wish I could just be happy

But my grief cuts like a knife.

I hate, hate, hate the word widow

When I still feel like a wife.

I know I'm not alone now;

We all miss spouses we hold so dear.

And if I ever need someone to talk to

I always can find a friend on here.

Thank you all!!!

Comment by Nancy on April 13, 2015 at 6:51pm

George-- I'm having a low night too.  I should stop listening to his Pandora radio station.  I'm not sure listening to the music he listened to and picked out (as he had really customized his station) is really helping.  I hate being low around my 2 year old, I feel he picks up on this stuff and its not fair to burden him.  It was bad enough I chose to have him knowing his father was going to die, but to lean on him for emotional support at 2 years old is a bit much, I feel.  But at the same time its really hard for me to be cheerful and upbeat when all I want to do is sit outside and cry and talk to the trees and pretend my husband can hear me.

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 6:37pm

horrible night haven't felt this low since she's passed tonight I just wish that I could be with her this is really hard I just hate this

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 4:25pm

M morgan- plz don't ever feel as if you have to hold back on here. If you're getting swallowed by this darkness- don't hesitate. Yes- it can be scary and painful to be witness to such overwhelming and consuming pain. But there's nothing you have shared that I myself haven't experienced or least feel I can comprehend. It's heart wrenching for sure but- you have helped me more than you know. I'm convinced that nothing will ever heal my pain... Nothing. But your honesty and ability to express and share your grief has at least showed me that I'm not the only person on this earth that is in such a broken and lonely place. If I did not have you and EVERYONE here- I would only have the advice of the therapists, Drs. and well meaning outsiders...the opinions of the unaffected and normal happy folks. And then- I would be so entirely isolated that- I'd be convinced that I'm completely insane and this indescribable pain.... would be impossibly....even darker and heavier.

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 3:54pm

M morgan-

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 2:58pm

How could we have been so immune to what death of our spouses does to us?  How is society at large so utterly clueless?  In particular I find the specialists who say they are there to help us have no idea what this is about (most oftern through no fault of their own because who wants to have this happen to them).  The best reason I can give myself is, it is a fact we are all clueless how painful this is and the ramifications of it until it happens in our own home.  Through this past two years I have been in personal contact with some people who have lost their spouses.  No matter how optimistic we can be or want to be or help give ourselves support or give others support the bottom line still remains.  We struggle.  

For me, I am not sure I am struggling against anything I just hate the silence.  Nothing.  No communication.  No answers to any of my questions.  How the hell am I supposed to function without any answers to my questions.  I assume there are people who can sweep the unknown aspects of this under the rug.  They can actually find a new person and develop a new relationship and integrate the old with the new.  How they do is beyond explanation for me.  The best I can do is be a "pen pal" to others on here and one or two other sites where I can see written in their posts we are walking the same tortuous path.  I cant relate to anyone who has "moved on" and even keep asking how I am supposed to "move through" it by making grief my frog friend. Seriously.  How could I have missed this before?  I thought I had a pretty reasonable philosophy of death and reincarnation and karma and all the things I had worked out in my mind (brain) beforehand.  My husband dying is like nothing I have ever had to deal with.  

Do I have regrets?  Some.  But mainly I just hate the silence.  Even if we had problems we hashed them out.  We were still there for each other.  Even if we screamed at the problem and got mad we still were there for each other working through it.  Now its all quiet.  No one.  Oh, a friend here and there.  A family member drops in but no one is really there for me now.  Everyone has their own life except us.  We are here for each other on this place not one of us would have even bothered to read until now.  And now it has become a place we check on each other numerous times a day.  Weird how life is.

So today I am trying to get my tax extension filed. I have put it off till the last minute.  It's not like there is much to deal with but I need to do it.  Then I am going to try and do some other paperwork.  I have other things that I could do as well but we'll see how much energy I can rustle up.  After last night's crack in the earth that I fell into I wrestled with sleep and then finally went out, hit bottom and didn't get out of bed until noon.  When I hit those bottom notes I am so exhausted afterward.  

I also want to thank each of you for your kind words of support.  I promise I will try not to burden you with a night like the last one but I am grateful I can be honest and at the same time hopeful I can wait until the natural expiration of my body takes place.  I try really hard every day as I know you do too but there are times when it is all just too much.  I would like to be there for you too.  And I am there for you because I see myself in your struggles and know how hard this is.  It will lessen but you will always feel your love.  And really that is ok.  We don't want to forget them right?

Comment by lost on April 13, 2015 at 12:50pm

My mother needed to come pick up stuff at Sam's. James loved to come here. I feel nauseated. I feel like screaming. I feel so sad. So disoriented. I hate this place now. Hate use to be a word I rarely used.....it seems to be a word I use often now. I hate.....I hate.....I hate!!! I hate my life. I hate that James left me. I hate me for being here without him.

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