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Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2015 at 11:25pm

I think each of us have to figure it out what our purpose in life is without the love of our life to give our life meaning. I can only speak for myself, as I try to make sense of this utterly meaningless existence. I think I am trying to find some small comfort in my life after Joseph's death and trying to come to terms with it. So I grasp at whatever straw I can.

Comment by morgan on May 15, 2015 at 11:15pm

Purpose. Meaning. 

I was who I saw myself because of the love reflected in my husbands eyes.  Now I have no mirror.

If anyone figures out the reason, the purpose, the meaning of why we are to survive and thrive after the love of our life is taken from us please tell me.  Doing things for the sake of being useful to others without the reflection is not enough for me.  I need someone to hold me and tell me I matter not some acquaintance, family or friend speaking empty phrases about how I am fulfilling some altruistic ambiguous objective.   Sorry I am so cynical about trying to live this life.  I just don't want to live to keep searching for something unattainable.  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2015 at 10:22pm

John T,

What makes us uniquely human is our capacity for pondering such unponderables. I have been struggling with these questions since Joseph died. I see no point or purpose in my staying alive when my entire identity and personhood were tied up with Joseph's and he is gone. When I was saying this to Joseph's sister, she said perhaps my purpose now in life is to serve others, and Joseph, too, the night before he passed, told me to do the good works. So who knows? Maybe that's why I am kept alive? I don't want anyone to think that I am full of myself or that I am vain and narcissistic. But perhaps the reason that I am alive while Joseph is not is to be useful to others in honor of Joseph? To make a small difference in some way as a tribute to him? I will never know, but these questions really keep tormenting me, just like they torment the others here as well. But there has to be something more for the bereaved that gives us some purpose, some meaning to this otherwise empty existence. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2015 at 9:22pm

Losing that one person who defined life for us and made our existence meaningful makes absolutely no sense. It's so cruel and senseless! Yes, some day when I am reunited with my darling Joseph, I will get my questions answered, even this unanswerable one.

Comment by George H on May 15, 2015 at 8:18pm

I ask Mary that same question every day

Comment by Dianne M. on May 15, 2015 at 7:35pm

John I ask this on a daily basis.

Why?  I seemed to constantly be asking that.  She said that often, that question can't be answered.  I still am asking it, though, because sometimes I can't believe this has all has happened.

why am I alone...why did he die....why has my life been turned upside down...why cant I pull things together....it goes on and on...

Comment by George H on May 15, 2015 at 6:00pm

Jason I sure do understand what you're saying I've been saying away from people for mostly that reason it's good they have a life but I don't want to see if or hear about it

Comment by Jason on May 15, 2015 at 5:45pm

It’s been a little over four months since I lost my Amanda, I went through the normal, well regular, stages of grief. First I went through denial and bargaining, then as time went on I bounced back and forth from depression and acceptance. I doubt it will ever become something I can accept but there isn’t a stage for learning to bare. I always found it interesting that I never hit anger. I didn’t have anyone to be angry with, some people are angry with their partner for leaving them, some are angry with themselves believing they could have done something different, other’s are angry with the circumstances of their partner’s passing. But I didn’t feel any of these. Maybe I was still in some level of denial about what was happening. I couldn’t be angry with Amanda, or blame her work or the American medical system. Though I know others chose these things as a way of dealing with what happened. Recently I think I’ve discovered my ‘anger’ stage of grief and who I am angry at. It didn’t start as anger, but as a low, subconscious sense of resentment, over time it grew, slowly and steadily, so slowly that I never even notice it happening, and it’s at everyone else. I’m angry at everyone, every happy couple, all my friends and family who have happy lives and families of their own. Everyone who has never had to say goodbye to someone they love so much, or have their world shattered, at everyone who has never had to feel this empty or lonely...

Comment by George H on May 13, 2015 at 6:53am

haven't posted much but I've been keeping up with you all my reading your posts I still feel very detached from everything and everyone don't do too much just bang around the house trying to get things done and try two make sense of why I feel this way detachment for some reason comes with a lot of guild but I'm sure a lot of you know that but just thought I'd let you all know I'm still here trying to exist and as of yet 11 weeks I still haven't seen her smelled or dreamed of Mary absolutely driving me nuts

Comment by Tildyc on May 13, 2015 at 12:19am

Perhaps it's not a bunch of BS. Because that dream I experienced about 20 yrs ago when my childhood friend walked in and bid me farewell... proves to me, that at least that aspect of visitation exists. It's probably the one thing that keeps me from driving off that cliff I pass by every time I head to the cabin.

Because these lucid dreams are- I believe- worth something.... Not enough to make the remainder of my life worth a shit but- it presents at least something I might try to believe in? A possibility that someday I may walk through that closed door to be with my Mark on the other side?

Yes- I'm a little out there these days. And this was just ONE example of the many strange and diverse aspects of my struggles to just try and make it from day to day. It's the world in which I have to live in now.

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