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Comment by Richard G on May 21, 2015 at 7:28am

Tildyc - Thank you. I know exactly how you feel. I was blessed to have my first wife Jane for 32 years and then to find Cherie was another blessing. I never thought that I would only have her for six years. I don't know if I'm more broken this time or not because I don't even remember the first five months after Jane died. I do know that I'm broken.

I also don't know if I can ever risk loving again. I don't like the thought of spending the rest of my life alone but I don't think I have the strength to go through this again. I thought when I found Cherie that what are the odds of losing two spouses to cancer. I felt that we would truly get to grow old together. I still can't believe that she is gone. If you can die from a broken heart then I should be dead. 

I took no offense from your comments, in fact that is how I feel now. 

Comment by Tildyc on May 21, 2015 at 1:15am

Richard- Lord have mercy....

I'm soo very very sorry. I admire your courage to love again after such loss. I I truly wish I had that ability to consider love again. And plz be assured you'll always be understood amongst the broken and lost here.

Myself- I continue to pull away from the rest of the world. I do this because every day that passes I feel as if I'm unable connect or explain to the all other un-effected folks why I'm like I am now. I'm so immensely different and removed from the person I used to be.

And this site has been the one place I've been able to come to for some comfort and to be understood. So, plz plz don't let my following comment offend you- it's just me- grieving.

It's that you where able to find love again and then....lost - yet AGAIN. For me- the thought of another love in my life is beyond my comprehension. And if I did find somebody (which I know, unfortunately will never happen) the possibility of losing my loved one (again) would literally be more than I could survive. To have to walk this soul breaking, life destroying path more than once...... I'd have to find a way to completely and fully disconnect from reality. Whatever that might take..........It would be the only way I could continue just breathing each day. I'm just not convinced that my strength would hold out anymore.

So- your heart breaking experience just solidifies for me... I'm without true love until the day finally comes that I can be reunited with my Mark. And plz understand - this is just me... Me and my grief and pain that has consumed me. No reflection on you.

I'm a mess and I'm quite broken. :(

Comment by Richard G on May 20, 2015 at 8:38pm

My wife died on 4/18/15 from lung cancer. I miss her so much, most days I just want to die. It is so hard to go on living but I know that is what she would want. I met her in a grief support group after we both lost our spouses. I also lost my first wife to cancer. So now I have two angels in heaven. I know having gone through this before that it does get better but somedays it is all I can do to breath. It helps to know that there are other people that understand this level of grief. 

Comment by Tildyc on May 19, 2015 at 8:49am

Yes- to have communication like that would truly alleviate so so much of my pain. I'd still be lonely and long to shortern my time here in life. But communication with my Mark could change everything for me. I might be able to find a way to look for some meaning to my life again.

And - earlier I had mentioned looking into getting a reading from a medium. Well- I have an appt. the first week of June. I'm extremely nervous, guarded and hopeful. I've never done anything like this- never had a reason actually. And in truth, although I believed that there are folks who are able to communicate with others who've passed- I was a serious critic of self proclaimed mediums. Now, you can say I've opened my mind a little. I hope they are what they claim to be. I did my research to the best of my ability on this. I hope I'm not making a mistake here..

Comment by morgan on May 19, 2015 at 12:09am

Trina, Boy, do I wish I could have any kind of visitation/sign.  Anything to let me know that the emptiness that surrounds me is not really empty.  I do believe that some people are empowered with an ability to see more than is apparent to the rest of us. I just wish it was me.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 18, 2015 at 3:21am

One more thing, I don't use any mind-altering drugs in case anyone is wondering. Joseph smoked, but I drink wine, and these visions have nothing to do with my one glass of cabernet sauvignon. :-)

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 18, 2015 at 2:57am

Hello bluebird,

I am not sure what exactly to say about these visits by Joseph. Since these experiences are subjective and nothing can be proved, I would first of all say that had I not experienced these visits, visions, or communications, I wouldn't make these claims because most of all it would be dishonoring the memory of the love of my life. And secondly, I know that all the members on this forum are in pain--to varying degrees and in different ways--so I would never make up something that wasn't true. It would be a cruel and horrible thing to do. So again, my disclaimer is that I do not know for sure that Joseph visits me; it can very well be my imagination creating these images.

But I will say one thing: I inherited this quality from my mother; we are five siblings, and four us can "see"or "feel" departed relatives, one of us can't. I have been having this experience for about 22 years since my father passed. And then my mother in passed in 2011, and Joseph in August 2014 (all three visit). When I have these "visits" they usually come after my daily prayer/meditation sessions. My meditation sessions last about 45 minutes to an hour. 

The first time Joseph came to me in full body was 3 or 4 days after he passed. I was in our bedroom and suddenly I saw him in full body walk past me. He looked like a blind man. His eyes were open, but he was looking down and didn't seem to realize where he was. He just entered our bedroom through the door and very quickly went past me through the wall. It left me astounded since he was just like a living person, fully dressed in a shirt and jeans that I recognized.

After that first appearance when he came he didn't make eye contact and looked sad and thoughtful. He had a faraway look. That lasted about 2 months or so. After that when he appears and lets his presence known, he doesn't come in full body, but only his face and torso appear like a vision (it's very similar to a photo of him and me). He always looks me straight in the eye and smiles broadly, and always communicates that he is at peace and is at a good place. It's very reassuring. No words are spoken, only a transfer of thought happens. There is calm and peacefulness when he visits, and that's how I know that he is in a good place. Again, one thing that I have noticed is that these visits follow my meditation sessions. So it has something to do with my state of mind. Maybe the meditative state induces these visions, I don't know. I can't offer any explanations, I only described the visits that I have experienced.

I often wondered why Joseph doesn't seem sad that I am in so much pain and anguish, so much so that I wish my life would end now. Someone I have a lot of respect for, told me it's because the plane inhabited by the departed is completely different from ours, and they experience things in a different way. Where they are, there is no sorrow. This explanation makes sense to me. Otherwise, Joseph would be in agony witnessing my anguish and suffering. That he doesn't, means that his plane and mine are totally different, but then again I knew that. I count the days when I will be reunited with him; then we'll be sharing the same plane and be together again.

I hope this helps you some, bluebird.

Comment by bluebird on May 17, 2015 at 9:34pm

Trina,

You are so lucky that you see your beloved. I have had possible signs from my husband, but I haven't actually seen or heard him, and I find it very difficult to have faith in the signs for more than a few minutes or a day at most.

I believe that you believe you see/hear your husband, and I really hope it is actually him, because then that would indicate the existence of an afterlife, which would mean that my husband also still exists and is ok. Like you, I am glad that my husband does not have to go through this anguish, but at the same time if there is an afterlife then I'm sure he is unhappy to see my suffering. I often contemplate suicide, though I have not made any attempt to follow through with it. I will stay alive for as long as our cat stays alive, as I love him and he needs me to care for him and look after him.  Beyond that, I truly do not know.

I wish I could/would see and hear my husband as you do yours.  If you feel comfortable sharing, I would like to hear more about those visits; if you don't feel comfortable sharing more, I do understand.

Comment by bluebird on May 17, 2015 at 9:29pm

John,

I'm glad that your visit with your sister turned out so much better than you expected. I'm sure it helped her, as well.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 17, 2015 at 5:04pm

Hello John T,

Your niece sounds like a very demanding person who lacks compassion and want things done her way. It's hard to have relatives like that on a good day, but to deal with such an uncaring and unsympathetic person when one is bereaved, is beyond words.

One of the negative feelings that bereaved people sometimes feel is guilt and guilt makes everything even worse. Your wife Diane loved you and knew that you loved her and were being supportive of her, so don't beat yourself up.

As for visiting your 80-year-old sister at a nursing facility, it would be a good thing to do. All of us appreciate kindness and attention when it is shown to us, especially when we are sick or emotionally hurting. So even if it comes with mixed feelings, and your niece's attitude doesn't help, take courage and go visit your sister. At least you'll feel better about that. Good luck!

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